Brooklyn Nine-Nine

For the last time, the best cop movies,

in order: Training day,

lethal weapon, and Fargo.

- End of discussion. - Wrong.

Die hard is the best cop movie of all time.

One cop heroically saving the day

while everyone else stands around and watches.

It's the story of my life.

I like Turner & Hooch.

Tom Hanks, reluctant friendship with a dog.

That hits me where I live.

No. Robocop.

It's got everything I like... Gratuitous violence.

Oh, I thought you were listing things.

- I was. I'm done. - Okay.

Let's talk bad boys. That's the perfect cop movie.

Mr. Smith, lookin' fine.

A hot cup of tea Leone. Come on.

Francois Truffaut's breathless.

What?

Terry likes foreign films.

Mm-kay. There is a correct answer

to this question, though.

So gather around for the greatest cop film

of all time.

Please refrain from texting during our presentation.

Excuse me, ma'am.

All right, so there's Hitchcock.

And there's an old hooker.

There it is!

Come on, guys, that happened four years ago.

Shh, this is the best part.

Takes the wallet and here she goes!

Hey, love the sweater.

Who you slayin' tonight, lady killer?

Well, we shall see what we shall see.

No, you're dressed exactly like the lady killer.

Damn it!

This is Jeffrey Dahmer's corduroys all over again.

All right, let's get started. Scully.

Where are you on digitizing the old case files?

As of yesterday, I'm officially 1% done.

Why are you smiling?

That's nothin'.

There are thousands of cases,

and for each one, I have to fill out

200 little box thingies on 50 different screens.

At least you get to sit on your butt all day.

That's actually the worst part.

My doctor said I have an anal canyon.

Ugh, God, Scully,

why are you always telling us

about your disgusting body?

I don't see anything.

That's because it's all wart.

How are you married?

Peralta, where are we on the Adams street burglary?

We are very close, Captain.

Aside from a complete absence of evidence,

suspects, or leads.

So, in conclusion, not at all close.

And the Vickers street aggravated assault?

Stalled out, and the Calloway robbery

also remains unsolved...

Due to a lack of solving it by me.

Sounds like someone's in a little bit of a slump.

I'm not in a slump.

You're not? Scoreboard.

I don't slump, people.

I opposite slump.

I p-muls.

That's "slump" backwards,

and it's what I do.

I p-muls all over this bitch.

Dismissed.

- Slump. - P-muls!

Wait... before you say anything,

I want to guess what happened, based on your face.

Someone died.

No! You won a prize!

I'm not getting better at this.

I'm concerned that the open cases

mound of garbage on your desk

has become so much higher than the closed cases

- mound of garbage. - All right, sir.

Let me hit you with a little analogy.

Are you familiar with race cars?

Formula 1 or stock?

That's already way more than I know about it.

The point is, I'm a super-awesome race car

who's hit a couple of unlucky speed bumps.

You got speed bumps on a race track?

Is that not part of car racing?

It should be.

All I'm saying is, it's open road again.

I'm about to close a case.

Missing grandma Helen Sterrino.

Last Sunday, her grandson Judd reported

she went out for bagels and never came back.

This morning, we picked up an old lady

matching her description exactly.

I showed her pictures of Judd, and she said,

and I quote,

"That's my grandson."

What did I say about doing voices?

I'm a storyteller, sir.

It's my craft.

Anyways, grandson's coming in.

They reunite, and I throw another case

on the old "solved it" pile.

Hey, my croissant.

You wanted to see me, Captain?

Yes, the D.A. wanted me to personally thank you

for your work on the Jay street drug bust.

That's why we do this, sir.

For praise?

Uh...

There's a community outreach program

that's very important to me.

I was wondering if you'd like to head it up.

Absolutely, sir.

I won't just head it up,

I will head and shoulders it up.

I will dive in, swim around it,

and just be altogether good with it.

Be more articulate when you speak to the children.

Yes, sir, I will make better mouth.

Hey, sarge, I need someone to fill out a lineup.

Will you be scary Terry?

Oh, I love being scary Terry.

He says what regular Terry's thinking.

This is takin' too long!

I'm gonna miss the farmer's market!

But I'm too busy.

I've got a special case I'm working on.

Uh, Hitchcock,

Boyle needs you to fill out a lineup.

Oh, great. I'll take my shirt off.

No one asked you to take your shirt off.

Stop volunteering to take your shirt off.

I can't hear you! Shirt's over my ears.

Hi, Rosa.

Ooh, I like your shoes. They're a really pretty...

- What do you need? - Color. Okay.

You know how, every year, the precinct does

that Junior police program seminar?

That thing where we try to get a bunch of loser kids

to become student snitches?

No, the thing where we try to get at-risk kids...

- Losers. - To sign up to become Junior police officers.

Snitches. What about it?

Captain specifically asked me to run it this year.

I signed you up to do it with me.

Here's the info.

Now I gotta read something?

Greetings. Fine.

I guess I can help you with those at-risk kids.

I don't need your help.

It's nothing personal, it's just...

You're not a cop, so I'm not really sure

- you could help. - Okay.

No hard feelings.

But I hate you.

Not joking. Bye.

Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Terrino.

I'm glad you're here.

May I present to you...

Oh, my darlings. Thank God I found you.

Oh, look at those beautiful cheeks.

I have no idea who this lady is.

I've never seen her before in my life.

What? No, she recognized you.

This is Helen. Who's Helen?

Oh! That's my husband.

Solomon!

I'm... I'm not really her husband.

You're so much shorter than you used to be.

What did the Japanese do to you?

Different generation.

Okay, this is Ethel Musterberg

from the prospect heights senior center.

There was an I.D. card in her back pocket.

Why was your hand in her back pocket?

Well, she told me she didn't have any I.D.,

and, unlike Boyle, my first instinct

was not to caress her butt.

Frisked! I frisked her butt!

It looks like this case remains unsolved, Peralta.

Oh, my God.

I'm in a slump!

Oh, cool. You're all here in the break room.

You asked us to come in here.

What? Here's a hypothetical question.

Let's say I knew someone

that, for the first time in their career,

was experiencing, like, a minor slump.

What do you think you would suggest

to that person if they were going through that?

Well, I haven't really been in a slump since my divorce.

So I'd tell this person, "maybe get divorced."