Ladies Who Do

You shouldn't smoke so much, you really shouldn't

after all those dreadful warnings.

Mrs. Carpenter's husband gave it up and he got run down by a bus a week later.

That's got nothing to do with him giving up smoking.

No, but it didn't do him any good, did it?

Mrs Cragg...

I am Ms Pinsent, your area supervisor.

Were you smoking, Mrs Cragg?

You know it's against company rules. I shall report you.

You do that.

Area supervisor... she's all mouth and trousers.

Spy is in. Fags out.

Good morning, Mrs Merryweather.

Morning, Miss.

Spy is in. Fags out.

Jim?

Jim?

Where the hell is he?

- Morning, Sid. - Sid here.

You got my wire.

What's good about it? And yes, I got your wire.

Would I have got up in the middle of the night to be here otherwise?

You're lucky I've been up all night in the blasted train,

I couldn't get a sleeper, no breakfast either.

What's all the excitement about?

Poor McFarlane, he can't raise the money.

He's dropping out.

The Waldron's take over bid will fall through.

Not on your Nelly, it won't mate.

Sidney, Sidney my boy.

You and I are going to make a bid to take over Waldron's properties.

- On our own? - Sidney, you're so quick!

The shares were down to 15 bob last night.

We are going to offer Waldron a pound, cash.

A pound, cash?

Jim Ryder, have you gone raiding bad?

Where's that dumb blonde put that Waldron file?

I found her, ha -look as soon as I got that wire I knew it meant trouble.

Anyway, where the hell are we going to find the money?

Borrow it.

Borrow it, at 40 percent? Now I know you've gone mad.

Of course I have.

You buy me breakfast and I'll explain why.

Come on, we'll go to that cheap dump around the corner,

it won't cost you so much.

A pound, cash.

I'd give them a quid out of my own pocket

if only they'd stop walking over my clean floor.

I thought I heard voices.

Can't you finish this floor yet?

I did, but a herd of rhinoceroses just went through.

Rhinoceroses?

Oh dear.

Well if he doesn't want it, I know somebody what does.

Good morning Mrs C.

Morning Colonel.

Bills, bills, bills.

They say rain is on the way.

Well I hope so.

I need heavy going for Epson this week.

You and your horses.

What happened to that one yesterday, you know, the one what couldn't lose?

Last in a field of 15.

Well then, better luck next time.

How long can this sort of luck last Mrs C?

It doesn't matter what it is, horses, dogs, the boat race.

I get a tip to buy Bellings Machines tools straight from the horses mouth,

I buy the shares,

- They double their profits. - Well that's nice, isn't it?

Lovely, what do they do?

They dropped half a crown.

Oh, you never can tell with horses.

Horses? You don't listen to a word I say, do you?

Oh yes I do. I don't understand a word of it, but I do listen.

- I've got something for you. - What is it?

Oh, a cigar.

Good condition too. Where did you pinch this?

I didn't pinch it, I don't pinch things as well you should know.

Mrs C, you didn't buy it. There's no band and it's been pierced.

That's why I took it.

I found it in the waste paper basket.

Thanks very much, very kind thought.

Now you sit there and have a little smoke, it will do you good.

I'll go and make you a nice cup of nice tea.

- Mrs. C. - Oh dear, you did give me a turn.

I'm sorry, where did you get the cigar?

Why, what's the matter with it? Isn't it any good?

- Just shows you can never tell, can you? - Posh offices and all.

There's nothing the matter with the cigar dear,

it's probably one of the best cigars that's made, where did you get it?

The place where I work early mornings.

I saw it lying there and I says to myself, I said,

oh that colonel would love that, I says.

So I took it and he didn't want it.

Mrs C, who is he?

- The man I work for, Mr Ryder. - Not James Ryder?

That's him, Jim Ryder.

You know him well enough to call him Jim?

Oh me, yeah I've never spoken to him in my life.

Why, what's so special about him anyway?

Nothing really.

He's just one of those wide boys who's making a fortune

just now to property development.

Oh he can't be the same bloke.

If you'd have heard him carrying on about a quid one way or the other

and he'd have to borrow that anyway.

What wouldn't I give to know what's going on in his mind.

Not much, I shouldn't think.

If you could have seen the way they was marching up and down on my clean floor.

I could have killed them stone dead, the pair of them.

I though the other bloke was going to drop dead

when he said he was going to offer Waldron a quid.

Mrs Cragg, are you sure he said that?

Sure as I'm here.

He said: I am going to offer Waldron £1 cash.

Gave me quite a turn it did.

Because Waldron was Mr Cragg's second name.

Oh dear, another for the nuthouse if you ask me.

Yes, all right, hold on.

Here's your cup of tea, it's getting cold.

Damn the tea, I'm sorry Mrs C but this is important.

This is probably the hottest tip I've ever had.

Dear of dear, you and your horses.

Mrs C, this has nothing whatever to do with horses.

Yes, I'm holding on.

You see, a chap is going to buy a firm called Waldron's.

According to this, he changed his mind, the shares will go down.

I shall buy some and I shall wait for Ryder to make his offer.

The shares will rise and I shall sell them at a profit.

It's as simple as that.

It's just about as simple as that horse that couldn't lose yesterday.

- I'll make you a fresh cup. - Are you holding on sir?

Yes, I am holding on.

- Your cousin, the gallant colonel. - Oh blimey, more dud tips.

Hello Cyril, what can I do you for?

Roderick, can you give me a quotation for Waldron's this morning?

I might have guessed, he wants a quotation on Waldron's.

Listen, one hour ago, the news broke that McFarlane's bid had been withdrawn.

We haven't been off the phone since, you can't even give them away.

You can't? Splendid.

I want you to buy me £5000 worth of Waldron's ordinaries.

5000?

Are you completely out of your tiny mind?

Where the hell could you find 5000 quid?

I don't have to find it, I'm buying it for the account.

For the account?

My dear idiot, do you realize they're going to be paid for eventually?

And on the present share, they wouldn't be worth the paper they're printed on.

I'll give you a security.

Security, such as what?

A pair of cufflinks, a watch?

Sorry old man, I'm a stock broker not a pawn broker.

I wasn't thinking of cufflinks or a watch.

I was thinking of this house.

Do I get this right?

You'll put that house up against my buying £5000 worth of Waldron's shares?

Yes.

Get your solicitor to send the deeds around right away.

Bye sir.

Well Mrs Cragg, I've done it, I've plumbed for Waldron's up to the hilt.

Well I hope it wins, here's your tea.

If it does, we'll split the profits 50-50.

Well that's very kind of you Colonel, but if you...

No, no, no, I insist. One doesn't get a tip like that everyday.

Fair is fair, 50-50.

I was about to say Colonel,

as how I haven't had no wages for the past fortnight,

so that's going to be £2.10 if you don't mind.

Well I am a little bit short of the ready this week.

I wonder if you could possibly wait till next Monday?

Looks as though I shall have to, doesn't it?

Thank you.

If we get control of Waldron's, we can take over this site, just like that.

Think of it.

All of the one conveyors, one owner due for demolition in the next 30 years.

Nice and tidy ay.

And we get a wiggle on, we can have the whole thing completed in 8-10 months,

say a year at the outside.

I still don't like it Jim I mean, we've got enough on our plate as it is.

Do you realize if I'd have listened to your gloomy warnings

we'd still be in Stepney with 18 quid in the bank

and you made sure I could only get that out at three quid a day, didn't you?

18 quid is a lot more than we got in the bank at the moment Jim Ryder.

Hello?

Yes sir, would you hold on a moment sir, I'll just see if he's in.

Out.

I got the tip this morning.

Excuse me sir, you're wanted on the telephone.

'Ello, Ryder.

What?

What?

No, I certainly did not.

Okay, thanks.

Only two people knew that we'd made a takeover bid for Waldron's,

you and I.

Have you been talking?

No. Why?

Because this morning somebody bought 5000 quids worth.

What?

They sent the price up to one and six pence already.