First Kid

Come on, boy. Let's go to work, boy.

We're late, man. We're late.

Oh, just great. There's Wilkes.

- Give me the keys! - Why?

Just give me the keys, man.

Just hit the possum next time.

We're federal agents.

Hey, you guys can't park right here.

It's OK. We're with the government.

Oh, yeah? Is that right?

Well, I'm with mall security.

Now, you federal boys might call the shots out there,

but when you're in this mall,

you're under my jurisdiction,

and that car's parked in a fire zone!

That's right, sir. You're absolutely right.

- What's your name? - Hill.

Officer Hill, how you doing, sir?

I'm fine.

I'm agent Simms with the secret service agency.

We have a major operation going on here,

and we'll need your help.

I see you're a sharp man. Can we count on you?

Yes, sir, you can count on me.

Now, I need you to watch this car.

Guard it with your life. Can you do that?

Yes, sir, I can.

What's so important about this car?

If I told you that, I'd have to... you know.

Oh, yeah, I get it. I understand.

Take good care of. No problem.

I gotta make you an honorary secret service agent.

Yes, sir.

Grab my shoulders.

Grab your shoulders.

Frisk me. Frisk you.

Turn around. Give me a bump.

There you go. Thank you very much.

- Yes, sir. - Guard the car.

Just guard the car.

Why don't you just shoot him next time?

Let's go. We're late.

Hey, I still have milk left.

Leave it.

We're late... as usual.

I'm not taking the fall,

for you this time. Let's go.

Move it.

Good morning. Luke, honey,

you're 10 minutes late.

We were supposed to leave at 9:30.

Woods, why didn't you say something?

Agent Woods, you're supposed to remind him of the time.

He's... he's a child.

He can't keep his own schedule.

I... I did. I...

Let's go. OK?

- Let's go. - OK.

Don't worry about it. Just follow my lead.

I think I found it!

- What? - Bark.

- How you doing, sir? - Fine.

Major Simms, secret service.

Agent Dash, secret service.

Got a little bomb threat here with the doughnuts.

Could we check out those bear claws?

Yes, sir.

No! Do you want to blow us all up?

No.

Be careful. Get that big bear claw.

Don't use your hands, man!

Use that tong! Where you from?

Now, hurry up. Might be on a timer.

And get those little peanut clusters.

Could be a peanut bomb.

And get the little candy sprinkles.

They love to use that.

The enemy is real hip to the candy thing.

Sir, can we check a frosty long john, please?

I don't think so, agent Dash!

Could you put those in a box for the bomb squad?

Yes, sir.

Freeze! I'll be back in a minute.

Don't you move, don't you breathe.

Any kind of pressure could set this off.

I don't want any incidents today.

You are in high school now and I expect you to act like it.

Then don't dress me in these dorky clothes.

You're not dressed in dorky clothes.

You're in nice clothes. You look very handsome.

You should consider yourself lucky.

I should consider myself dorky.

My man? My man? Hand me the box.

Thank you for watching it for us.

Your country thanks you, OK?

- Yes, sir. - Cool.

Dash, how many times do I have to tell you

we can't have doughnuts on duty!

Sir, this is agent Dash.

I think you remember him from this morning.

- Roger? - Yes, sir?

Tell Cliff I can't hold his dog

when he goes to the bathroom.

I just can't. I have my own job to do.

OK.

You keep this up

and you're going to be on field duty forever.

If Morton had seen that, you'd be laying your badge

on the counter right now. I mean it.

Come on, sir, I'm just joking.

You're always just joking,

and jokers don't protect the president.

They stay in the field.

That's not fair, sir.

You know when it comes to my job I'm serious.

I'm out there, taking care of business.

I've proven myself.

I know you have, Sammy, but it's not about that.

It's about the little things.

The doughnuts,

the fake dog poop at the inaugural.

- Not funny, sir. - That was not funny.

The right attitude!

From now on, if I could get crown,

I have the right attitude, OK?

I'll buy more little brown ugly clip-on ties.

I will do whatever it takes.

I'm going by the book from now on.

They'll call me Sammy "by the book" Simms.

Sir, here's that explosive coffee,

2 sugars.

Package is approaching the mall, sir,

and it has arrived.

OK, caravan's here. Get out there.

Yes, sir.

Leave the doughnuts!

OK, sir.

Put the bear claw back. Thank you very much.

Mom, look at all these cameras!

I'm not going in there.

Of course you are. We do this every year.

I'm not going in there.

Do you want me to call your father?

Why not? At least I'd get to talk to him.

Look, I know this is hard,

but you are going to get out of the car

and when you do,

you are going to be the happiest kid

that ever went back-to-school shopping.

OK, sweetheart?

OK. All right. That's great. Come on.

Open the door.

Mom, can I try one of these?

No. We have a schedule to keep.

We were late leaving, remember?

Mom, it'll just take a minute.

Be a good boy. Don't embarrass your mommy.

OK...

Dead people wear this stuff.

Did you hear that?

Kids don't like dress clothes.

What can I say?

Mom, I said I didn't want to shop here.

Luke...

Big smile now.

Get rid of the cameras.

Let's go.

What are you doing?

Why do we have to shop here?

Because America shops here.

Your father runs America so we shop here.

You don't shop here.

Never mind where I shop.

Would you help me with this, please?

Mrs. Davenport, how do you find time

to shop with your busy schedule?

You heard your mother. Put these on.

It's a balancing act for all working mothers.

And when you get right down to it,

that's what I am.

Get your butt in the dressing room.

What are you doing?

You're hurting me!

What do you think you're doing?

Don't ever touch him that way again.

He wouldn't move.

You told me to put him in the dressing...

That is not what I meant and you know it.

Get in the dressing room, please.

What?

I don't want him guarding my son anymore.

You get me an agent who can deal with a child.

You picking that up, Brian?

Unbelievable.

Thank you.

Simms! Simms!

You've been in the service 5 years.

2 meritorious service awards.

Why is your earpiece not in your ear?

Oh, sir, the high frequencies bother me,