Two and a Half Men

Hey Lyndsey, just calling to say goodnight.

Oh, oh, you're in bed already?

So, uh, what are you wearing?

Really? What kind of sweat pants?

Ooh, big, old gray ones.

Is it just me or are you getting turned on, too?

It's...j-j-just me?

Well, that's fine.

I do some of my best work alone.

Alright, alright, go to sleep.

I love you. Do you love..

I know she does.

Oh, great.

Uh-oh, uh..

Oh! Oh, no, no, no.

No, I can't burn down another house.

'Alan?'

Oh, hi.

Um, just making some toast.

Huh.

Wonder what happened.

Morning.

Hey.

Sorry again about last night.

Sorry about what?

The fact that my date and I came home

last night to find a middle-aged man

spraying water all over my kitchen

in his tighty not-so-whities?

I was putting out a fire.

- I'm a hero. - Really?

'Cause it looked like you were posing

for the World's Most Disturbing Firemen calendar.

Okay, okay, I get it. You're a little upset.

But I have something that will make you feel better.

Ta-da.

I went out to the drugstore and bought you

a new toaster to replace the old one.

The other one was better.

Better?

This is the Toast blaster Deluxe.

This is the best thing to happen to sliced bread since..

...sliced bread.

But mine had glass walls

so you could watch the toast turn tropical brown.

It was like a...little..

...bread tanning booth.

Well, check this out, you know.

Light, dark.

Dark.

Light.

Okay, that's, uh..

That's supposed to happen.

That's-that's actually a safety feature.

You know, common courtesy dictates

that if you're gonna use my stuff

and break my stuff that you replace my stuff

with equally awesome stuff.

This-this-this is what would happen

if my toaster took a crap.

What are you talking about?

This is a perfectly good toaster.

Look, okay, you know what? I'll prove it to you.

Hope you're hungry.

Listen to that baby purr!

I hate you.

By the way in case I forget.

I might be a little late on Monday.

Oh, no problem.

When should I expect you?

Wednesday.

Should I dock you for the time you miss?

'I wouldn't.'

- Here you go. - What's this?

I went to the store and I asked them

"What is the stupidest thing I can buy?"

And they gave me this toaster. Enjoy.

You know, you didn't have to do that.

Ah, you made it pretty clear that I did.

In fact, I forwent replacing my cell phone to buy this.

"Forwent?"

It's a word.

Well, I appreciate it. Thank you.

Uh, and you don't have to worry about me ruining that one

because I will never use it.

Okay, stop being ridiculous.

Ah! You want to know what's ridiculous?

A glass toaster. What's next?

A glass toilet so you can wave goodbye to the toast?

How about a glass front door

so I can wave goodbye to you?

Oh, please! You would be lost without me.

- I would be lost without you? - Yeah.

Okay, the only thing that you've brought into my life

is an oil-leaking Volvo

a musty smell in my guest room

and the word "forwent."

It is the past tense of "forgo."

Edify yourself, sir.

And have you noticed

that all the people in your life come and go

but I am the one constant, I am always here.

Maybe the reason they come and go

is because you are always here.

When a woman dumps you, who picks up the pieces?

- Alan Harper. - And who picks up the check?

Walden Schmidt.

Of course, of course. Pull out the money card.

They're called credit cards. Edify yourself, sir.

Okay, if-if-if this is how you think

then I don't even know why I'm living here.

Oh, I do, because it's free!

- Okay, okay, maybe I should go. - Maybe you should.

- Fine. - Fine.

- Okay. - Okay.

I am not bluffing.

Me neither.

This is me opening the door.

This is me watching.

This is me leaving forever.

This is me waving goodbye.

And this is me homeless.

You know what the problem is?

Walden doesn't appreciate what I bring to the party.

I've never seen you bring anything to a party.

Except a Ziplocziploc bag to steal the shrimp.

- Whose side are you on? - Yours, of course.

Listen, I know you're upset

but I'm sure you two lovebirds will kiss and make up.

No, not happening, he does not want me back

and I'm not going back.

- You're not? - No.

I have my self-respect.

I do.

So where are you gonna live?

Where am I going to live? You're cute.

Thanks. So where are you gonna live?

Seriously?

Alan, I wanna live with you.

But when you move in I want it to be

because I'm your first choice, not your last resort.

- You are my first choice. - I'm your only choice.

My one and only choice.

Until Walden asks you to move back.

Oh, please!

I am offended that you could

even suggest such a thing. You are the woman I love.

The woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Aw.. You're right, sweetie.

- I'm sorry. You can move in. - Oh, thank you.

It'll be nice sharing the place with you.

Yeah, it's gonna be great.

And we can split all the bills right down the middle.

Ah..

Oh, come on, you don't want my money.

You're an independent woman.

Walk proud.

Walk over to this door and let me back in.

'Hey, Alan.'

Oh, God! Herb!

- What-what are you doing? - Neighborhood watch.

Oh, that's nice. I-I didn't even know there was one.

There isn't.

So, uh, you and Lyndsey have a little tiff?

Oh, uh, not really a tiff, as much as, uh..

Hey, are you still rattling around

in that big old house all by yourself?

Yeah, I don't think Judith's ever coming back.

That's terrific...ly sad.

You know what? At a time like this, you should not be alone.

Let's go over to your place and have a few beers.

You're a good friend, Alan.

What can I say? I'm a giver.

Say, do you still have the hide-a-bed in the den?

Alright, I packed up all Zippy's stuff.

It's sad.

His entire life fits into one duffel bag.

What's even sadder is it's my duffel bag.

He's coming back you know that, right?

No, he's not.

He is a human boomerang.

He's going to circle around, break a window

and land right on your couch.

Open a window in the kitchen

maybe he'll just go straight through.

- Alan. - Walden.

Don't worry, I'm just here to pick up my things

and then I'll be on my way.

Where you heading, Zippy, back to Mommy's?

Living with my mother that's pretty pathetic, isn't it?

No, for your information

I am living with my ex-wife's, ex-husband

at my ex-house.

Yeah, that's not pathetic.

I packed your things for you.

Oh. I presume this is everything?

- You presume correct. - Hmm.

Your clothes, your toaster