Two and a Half Men

Previously onTwo and a Half Men...I am gonna ask Lyndsey

to marry me.

Will you marry me?

Yes, I will marry you!

I was wondering if you'd do me the honor of being my best man.

What? What?

Larry, where can I put this poop?

This is my sister Gretchen. She just moved here.

Gretchen, this is Jeff Strongman.

I think the computer just read his thoughts.

Yes!

The guy I had dinner with last night offered me

a job in San Francisco.

Where does that leave us?

I have to take this.

I'm sorry, buddy.

I'm here for you.

If you wanted to go with her...

Oh, thank God.

I thought about what you said

I don't want to work for Google.

I want to stay and work with you.

We're gonna do great things together.

All right.

So where do I sleep?

Uh...

hello?

Oh, hey.

Jake?

Barry.

Did you break into this house and kill Walden?

'Cause if you did, just know...

I'm one hell of a roommate.

No, I'm a friend of Walden's.

I'm gonna be crashing here for a few days.

Actually, Walden would probably say I'm his best friend.

Oh, really?

'Cause I have a picture of us at Splash Mountain

that refutes that statement.

What's that you're cooking?

Cinnamon French toast; Walden's favorite.

Walden's allergic to cinnamon.

No, Walden is allergic to nutmeg.

Touché.

What's his birthday, favorite color and worst fear?

July 12, forest green, dying in your arms.

Coffee? Cream, two Splendas?

Wait, y-you know what I like, too?

I know a lot of things.

I know that you're sleeping with Lyndsey,

who is engaged to Larry,

who thinks you're Jeff Strongman,

and you just went on a date with Gretchen, Larry's sister.

And your worst fear is not dying in this house.

Witch.

Get out of my head.

Something smells good.

That is the cinnamon French tatas.

Hey, you-you must be Jake.

Give your cousin Jenny a hug.

That's not Jake.Shut up, Dad.

Morning!

Hey, Berta.

Welcome home, Jake.

That's not Jake.

That's Walden's friend Barry.

Uh, Berta,

making a special batch of French toast for you

topped with a dollop of marijuana butter.

I like "Not Jake."

All right, who wants the first batch?

Aw, hell, no.

Hey.

Extra! Extra!

Alan boards the Titanic!

Read all about it!

You're just jealous.

Jealous of what? Your up-and-coming role

in the Newsiesremake?

I will have you know that the salesgirl at Goodwill said

that I look dashing.

Why are you wearing this outfit?

I'm going out with Gretchen again tonight.

As her date or her caddie?

Oh, that reminds me-- I gotta get a cover for my wood.

Why are you going out with her again?

What do you mean? I like her, she likes me--

honestly, I can see myself spending the rest

of Jeff Strongman's life with her.

Okay, unlike Jeff Strongman,

she is a real person.

With real feelings.

And real...

I know, I know. I... I don't want to hurt her.

If that's the case, then you need to walk away.

I-I will, I will. You're right.

Right after I have sex with her.

No!

Well, I'm not gonna walk away whileI'm having sex with her.

That would be rude.

Hey, Jeff Strongman looks good in that hat.

Top of the day to you, too, sir.

Wait, you can tell when he's not Alan?

Oh, yeah. I mean, Jeff exudes a quiet confidence,

whereas Alan just...

exudes.

Is there a shower I can use? Uh, oh, yeah.

Uh, Alan's room's down the hall on the left.Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa. What about Jenny's?

She's in there with Brooke.

Yeah, I don't think I can go in there again "by accident."

But-but, uh, wh-what about your bathroom?

They're all my bathrooms!

Alan's shower.

Great.

Uh...

so, is this a "pee in the shower"

or "not pee in the shower" household?

"Not pee in the shower."

So it's a "pee in the shower and lie about it" household.

And don't touch my shower porn!

That stuff took a long time to laminate.

Everything... you... say... is... weird.

Look, look, I know you're upset about Barry moving in with us,

but hitting me with a 25-cent hat

is not gonna solve anything.

He's not moving in.

He's just staying here for a couple days

while we brainstorm some new tech ideas.

Oh, Walden, you're such a pushover.

Somebody else said they were only gonna stay in the house

for a few days. Remember that?

Oh, believe me, I remember.

And now, here we are, four months later,

and Jenny's still living with us.

Why... can't... you... hear... yourself?

Maybe we should start again.

Why, was I pitchy?

You are so adorable.

Oh, and you have broccoli in your teeth.

Oh... You want to get it for me?

Ooh, a kiss and a free meal.

Mmm...!

Yum.

I've never had broccoli and tongue before.

I gotta say, I love that hat on you.

Oh!You know, it's funny, I gave one just like that to Goodwill.

Yeah, yeah, this is the same one.

Well, uh,

thanks again for dinner tonight.

Oh, yeah.

Next one's on you, though.

Absolutely. Um, speaking of which,

I'm not sure we should keep seeing each other.

What? We don't have to go somewhere expensive.

Oh, God, you're making this so hard.

That's what he said!

Oh, peas, pod.

No, it's... it's just, you know,

I'm Larry's best man and you're his sister.

I mean, what if things go wrong and we screw up the wedding?

Look, I like you

and I think you like me,

and if it'll make you more comfortable,

we can keep it a secret for now.

I mean, if you're good at keeping secrets.

I don't know.

"Strongman" in German means "honest man."

Is that true?

Jawohl.

But I suppose we could keep it...

: under ze radar.

Great. Hmm...

So you know, uh...

Larry and Lyndsey are in Palm Springs for the weekend.

They are? Yeah.

You want to... come inside?

That's what she said!

This is awesome.

These are the best graphics I've ever seen.

Uh-oh!

The cops shot my tires out.

Now I'm runnin'.

Oh... Wait, this isn't a video game.

: We're watching a car chase on the news.

Oh.

So I probably didn't score that three-pointer

to win the Laker game, either.

Are you sure you're not Jake?

I'm not sure.

Hey, are you guys really lesbians?

Or are you like those "lesbians" from Craigslist

that came over and tied me up and stole my laptop?

If we weren't, would we do this?

Okay, brain, you are high,

but I need you to remember this.

Forget calculus if you have to.

Hey.

Nobody heard the pizza guy at the door?