Family Guy

Well, here we are.

Time for everyone to get new shoes.

Hi. Can I help you find something?

What's she gonna do?

This place doesn't even have a back room.

All the inventory's just out on the floor

in ceiling-high library stacks.

Yup, we got it, Stewie. You're better than this place.

Yeah, I know that. I'm better than every place.

Yes, my son needs a new pair of shoes.

Okay, let's just see what his size is.

Looks like a ten and a half.

They're perfect. I'll take 'em.

No, those aren't the shoes.

Do not speak in that tone to the Iron Giant.

Must destroy shoebox city.

Sorry. He's a little out of sorts.

He saw a bra in the window of Lane Bryant on the way over.

They're, um... they're pretty big.

They are a remarkable feat of engineering.

That and the Ferris wheel I will never understand.

Yeah, for me, it's paper bags.

I mean, there's a door in it, but no exit?

What's that about?

I was serious about the bag, but, hi.

-I'm Brian. -Holly.

Holly... are you free on Friday night?

Well, I don't know. Are you a shoe store murderer?

N-N-No.

There's more than you'd think.

Like, if you were me, that's not a ridiculous question.

See you Friday.

Good for you, Brian.

Maybe you can take her to the Cheesecake Factory.

People seem to like that place.

Did you folks find something on the menu you'd like?

No. 110 pages, and no.

-What's all this? -Oh, hey, guys.

Uh, sadly, my Uncle Ray passed away last week,

but he left me his vintage sports car.

Joe, that's amazing that your uncle died.

But I'm really sorry to hear about the car.

He means that the other way around.

Uncle Ray also left strict instructions

for me to show his car at the Classic Car Show

in Providence this weekend.

Classic Car Show?

Isn't that one of those gatherings

of a bunch of guys whose penises don't work?

Correct. Anyone with a perfectly-restored classic car

for sure has a bum wiener.

Uh, he also left me everything I'd need

to convert my garage to a 1950s-style diner.

See, here are all the 1950s Coke signs from the 1980s.

Oh, cool, and a jukebox!

Yeah, but since the songs are from the '50s

they're all about men in their 40s

wanting to have sex with teenagers.

Joe, stop pressing buttons.

Boy, I forgot how great that song is.

I know, right? It's definitely my favorite romantic love song

sung by a father to his daughter.

Ooh, we should put in our next song.

Good thinking.

Yes, we'd like to request "Witchcraft,"

as arranged by Mr. Nelson Riddle.

Okay, give me a minute.

You should just know

there's a 21st birthday party here,

and you're ruining it for them.

Wow. 3:00 a.m.

We practically shut the place down.

And quite a night. We got to sing two songs.

Do you mind if I kiss you?

Actually, I should chew some gum first.

I had bologna for dinner.

Get over here.

Oh, yeah, that's good kiss bologna.

Oh, hey, guys, what's the word?

Uh, bird. Bird is the word.

But we were wondering if you'd take us

for a spin in your new car.

Yeah, that's a great idea. Hop in.

Vroom! Vroom! Vroom! Vroom!

Uh, what-what... what's happening right now?

Close your eyes, gang, as we hit the Kancamagus Highway.

Just four miles to Mount Washington.

What the hell are you doing, Joe?

We want to go for a real drive.

This is a real drive. Just imagine it.

Feel that New Hampshire air.

Joe, we're not in New Hampshire. We're in your driveway.

Oh, great, some knucklehead is tailgating us.

What's the hurry, pal?

Oh, I see so many birds.

Well, we're in a tunnel, so I'm not sure how that's possible.

Joe, stop this car right now.

The car is stopped.

Always have trouble finding third.

Okay, what's up?

You got this amazing car. Why can't we take it out?

Well, ever since I was nine,

I've dreamed of driving this car someday.

But I'm not allowed. It's in my uncle's will.

Even when I take it to the car show,

I have to put it up on a trailer.

Malcolm in the Middle, five nights a week

on Manchester's Channel 12.

Cleveland, stop reading fake billboards.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I'm off to taste the delights of downtown Nashua.

I don't care what Joe says.

This is too nice a car not to drive it.

Are you suggesting we take it out without telling Joe?

He's left us no choice.

I can't just sit in a car and pretend to drive,

like-like I had to pretend to be impressed

by Quagmire's new big, green grill.

This is the largest high-performance

ceramic cooker available, Peter.

-NSF Certified. -Ah, yeah, cool.

I'm starving. When do we... when do we fire this thing up?

Fire-fire this thing up?

Get a load of this guy. You don't just fire it up.

You slowly bring it to temperature.

Okay.

When do we put the burgers on?

B-B-Burgers? Are you hearing this?

You don't put burgers on a grill of this quality, Peter.

I've been brining a heritage breed chicken for three days.

Then can we put that on?

Yes. At midnight, when it's reached temperature.

Then why am I here now?

Because I need your help to move the grill a single inch.

Well, let's just listen to music

on my high-end stereo system.

Nice. Let's crank it.

C-C-Crank it?

You hear this clown?

I only use it to listen to podcasts.

Today on The Moth,

how a single pair of shoes reunited two sisters.

So, big date, huh?

You must really like this girl.

Honestly, I think Holly could be... the one.

Brian, you strike me as a very selfless lover.

Is that true? Are you a selfless lover?

Stop saying "selfless lover."

Have you been reading Lois' romance novels again?

A few, but I'm just saying I bet

your coital congress will send Holly into paroxysms of ecstasy.

-Knock it off. -What? I'm being supportive.

After all, confidence will help you

maintain optimal stamina during your lovemaking.

-That's enough. -Have it your way, Brian.

I myself am a student of the pleasures of the flesh.

Listen to your lover, Brian.

Ugh, damn it. Anxiety dump.

Ah, that's better.

Oh, uh, is-is Holly here?

You must be the new jerk my mom is dating.

Uh, and you must be the kid

she never told me about.

I host Family Guy repeats in Germany.

German Family Guy is brought to you

by rail-thin men in Internet pornos going,

"Ooh-aah, ooh-aah, ooh-aah!"

I'm sorry I never told you I had a son.

Some guys get scared off.

No, no, that-that's great.

I'm-I'm terrific with kids.

I actually have a kid.

Aw, that's sweet. How old is he?

Uh, I don't know. How long ago was Ratatouille?

Well, I'm gonna go finish getting ready.

Why don't you guys get to know each other a little?

So, uh, is there a dad that you spend weeks of your time with?

My dad moved to Florida.

Sounds right. What, um... what grade are you in, bud?

-Second. -You don't say.

Boy, I bet things are different than they were in my day.

Lot of school shootings now.

-What?! -Oh, no. No, no, I... No, I just meant...

Like-like, people bring guns to school?

What? No, no, I'm-I'm not saying...

And they just shoot kids?!

Well, you can hide under your desk.

The desks won't be enough!

All set. You guys getting along?

Yup, just great. All right, let's go eat at a waffle house,

and then I'll show you all my bow-hunting carcasses.

That sounds like a perfectly normal date.

Okay, I got a perfect way

to distract Joe while we take his car.

There's literally no phone survey he won't take.

Hello?