Two and a Half Men

You're welcome.

Good night.

Wait, wait, wait.

Are you sure you don't want me to tuck you in?

I don't need to be tucked, Charlie.

Oh, come on,

everybody needs a good tucking once in a while.

Well, then go tuck yourself.

I guess I'll have to.

I'm not saying no,

I'm just saying not now.

I understand.

Good night.

Good night.

How about now?

Funny.

I wasn't going for a laugh.

Come on, Luther.

Rose?

Nah, couldn't be.

I'm so backed up I'm literally cockeyed.

Hot girl at 12:00.

Where?

Over there.

That would be 9:00.

No, it's 12:00.

Actually, 12:05.

12-ish.

You want to straighten him out, or should I?

Go ahead, take a swing.

Okay.

The reason guys say hot girl

at like 12:00 or 3:00

is to specify a location using the clock face as kind of a map.

What if you have a digital watch?

First of all,

you're not gonna meet any women if you wear a digital watch.

And second of all, it doesn't matter.

The clock face is imaginary.

Then how do you know what time you saw the girl?

You know what, I'm wrong.

There's a hot girl, and it's 12:06.

Check.

Hey, he likes girls and he can tell time.

I'm a happy dad.

Hello, Your Honor. What's up?

Your Honor?

Oh, your uncle's dating a judge.

This weekend?

Sure, that sounds great.

You mean like an American Idol judge?

No, a real judge.

American Idol judges are real, Dad.

So what, we'd be staying in adjoining rooms?

No, no, no, no, one room is fine.

Why is he dating a judge?

Is he trying to get out of something?

No, more like he's trying to get into something.

Good one.

You understood that?

Not really.

That's how I knew it was good.

Oh, yeah, that's a very romantic hotel.

I've stayed there... never in my life.

Right.

Okay, talk to you later.

Santa Barbara. This weekend.

One room.

Oh, now I get it.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Son of a gun, Alan. Look.

What?

The blonde. Where?

12:08.

She, she looks like Rose.

It couldn't be.

She's still in England, right?

Last I heard.

I got a postcard from her the other day.

Really? What did it say?

Oh, well, let's see...

"Dear Jake, how are you?

"I am fine.

"Hope you're doing well in school.

Ha-ha."

I think that's a joke 'cause she knows I struggle with my grades.

Let's see, what else? Oh, yeah.

"Say hello from England to everybody."

Hello from England.

Well, there you go.

She's in England.

I guess.

So why do I keep thinking I see her?

Maybe you miss her.

I don't think so.

I mean, I was a little down when she left,

which is to be expected,

but I've got Linda now and I've moved on

and why the hell am I talking to you about my personal life?

Because I'm a good listener?

Because you have no other friends?

Ha-ha?

After this we're dropping him off

at his mother's, right?

Yep.

Ha-ha.

* Men...

Dear Charlie... Greetings from faggy old London.

Greetings from foggy old London.

Hope you're doing well and not working too hard. Ha-ha.

Things are going great for me.

I love my job and my flat and my new friends.

Sometimes my life in Malibu feels like a crazy dream.

I hope you can forgive me for all my bizarre behavior

and know that I will always remember you fondly.

Your friend, Rose.

Give my best to Alan.

I'm sure by now he's found a place of his own. Ha-ha.

What you got there?

It's a letter from Rose.

Really? That come today?

Nah, a few months ago.

I just never got around to reading it.

I noticed you didn't toss it out.

What's that supposed to mean?

Charlie, of all the broads

who staggered bare-ass through these hallowed halls,

she's the one who really got to you.

Yeah, she got to me.

She put a sleeping pill in my scotch

and superglued my testicles to my leg.

You just can't get past that, can you?

Well, it doesn't matter.

I'm in a real relationship now with an incredible woman--

a judge, a Constitutional scholar,

a woman who may one day may be a state senator.

But does she care enough to line her mittens

with hair she collects from your shower drain?

I don't know yet. We're going slow.

Really?

Yes. We're getting to know each other as people

before we jump into bed and get to know each other

as, you know, animals.

Just do me a favor and make the first time at her place,

'cause you're gonna spring forth like a water wiggle.

* Some say love, it is a river

* That drowns the tender reed

* Some say love, it is a razor *

* That leaves your soul to bleed *

* Some say love, it is a hunger *

* An endless, aching need

* I say love, it is a flower

* In the spring, becomes the Rose. *

Charlie?

Charlie? What?

I need your help.

If you're doing laundry,

all I can say is you're doing it wrong.

No, no, the lady I've been seeing,

you know, Linda's friend Donna?

Uh, she wants to-- how shall we say-- take it up a notch.

Yeah, so?

I'm out of notches.

What do you need?

A younger man's penis.

Ah. My nightstand,

top drawer, next to the ping-pong paddle...

take one with water and stall her for 20 minutes.

Thanks.

Alan? Yeah?

Don't those hurt?

Hell, yeah.

Why don't you take 'em off?

There's a penalty involved.

Long story.

I can tell ya how it ends.

* Men.

Lovely dinner.

Yeah, the food was great.

It's a beautiful room.

Yeah, room's great.

Nice view.

Yep, view's great.

Oh, for God's sake.

Who is it?

(Latina accent): Room service, señor.

We didn't order anything.

Uh, champagne, compliments of the hotel.

Can you slip it under the door?

Charlie.

Don't move. Don't change your mind.

You want I open?

No, thank you.

Okay, good night.

Gracias.

Charlie...

Yeah?

I'm waiting.

For what?