Shane Gillis: Beautiful Dogs

Ladies and gentlemen, Shane Gillis!

Thank you.

Thank you.

That was very nice.

Nice, it's good to be here. It's good to be down here in Virginia.

Down here in Virginia.

Virginia's alright. I like it down here. It's nice.

Yeah, it's alright. We traveled a lot for this.

We went to Australia this year.

It was alright.

Anytime I go to another country, as I get out of the airport,

and start driving around, I'm like…

"Dude."

"This is your fucking country, dude?"

Other countries suck. America's number one. It's not, like…

It's not even close.

It's official.

I've been to, like, three other countries. It's official.

- - And the other countries hate it too.

They hate that we're number one. You ever tell them?

You ever go to another country and tell 'em we're number one?

Swim up to, like, a pool bar and just...

"Did you know we're number one?"

They hate it. They try to bring up bullshit to bring us down.

"What about all the mass shootings you guys have all the time?"

I say, "At least we're not gay."

You know?

There's really not a good comeback to that, 'cause…

It's a pretty serious problem.

And we're the only country doing that.

We're not making any adjustments.

"None. What, we're gonna give up our guns like a bunch of fucking gay guys?"

"Yeah, right, dude."

"No, we're just gonna have shootings all the time."

"Yeah!"

No, Australia's good. I was shittin' on it.

Australia... Australia might be number two.

That's a good country, dude. Just a whole country doing nothing.

That's what I like about 'em. They're just down there, zero exports.

Creating nothing, dude.

The only export I've seen come out of Australia

is just that YouTube video of that guy punching that kangaroo in the face.

You know that video? That kangaroo holding that dog hostage out in the woods.

Owner shows up, squares up with the kangaroo.

No he sit at... Kangaroo knew it was a fight too.

Guy just walks up... Bam!

If you've seen the video, you know how good that impression is.

- -

Yes!

Australia gave us that.

Australia also gave us Love on the Spectrum.

Love on the Spectrum. Thank you, Australia.

Incredible show.

Truly an incredible... Actually, an incredible...

- How did this show get made? -

That's an insane show.

Only Australia could have come up with this.

Only Australians would be like… "Alright."

"Know how autistic people are extremely uncomfortable in social settings."

"Stick a camera in these fuckin' retards' face and watch 'em talk."

No, dude.

Don't do that.

We're all gonna watch it, but don't do that.

"Look at him trying to fuck."

No, Australia ruled. I only...

I only had one negative experience while I was there and it was, uh…

I got... I got bullied.

I got made fun of publicly by a goth.

They still have goths, dude. Full-on.

Black trench coat, black eyeliner.

And they made fun of me.

I'll give him credit, in his defense,

the reason he was making fun of me was 'cause I was wearing a bucket hat.

I had never done that before.

There were no Black people on the island, I was taking fashion chances all the time.

That's the thing about these countries, England, Scotland, Ireland, Australia.

No Black people.

And I know what you're thinking.

- Nah. -

No, you need Black people to keep the whites in check.

The last thing you want is a whole island of whites

that think they're the coolest people on earth.

A disaster. That's how you end up with Conor McGregors walking around.

"Blah blah blah blah."

It's like, "Shut up, dude."

- The foreign whites are out of control. -

American whites, we're humble.

We know we're not the coolest guys around.

It's the foreign whites, dude.

- Yeah! - Yeah.

"Yes!"

"Preach, brother!"

For real, though.

There's a reason every good NBA player that's white is from another country.

The audacity to think you can play in that league, dude.

The fucking arrogance.

Every white dude in America saw a Black kid dunking like, in eight grade,

and it was just, like, "Oh, alright."

"There goes that dream."

"I'll just set picks for the next four years."

Just box out hard as hell.

White people used to be cool in America.

Long time ago, dude.

The height... The height of white people being cool was us going…

"Meh."

That was as cool as we got. Like, "Mah, see? Ha-ha. Wah."

And then the day white people stopped being cool

was Jackie Robinson's first game.

You can look it up, dude.

You can find it, you can find the radio call from that game online.

You can hear the exact moment white people stopped being cool.

You can hear the announcers, they go…

"Mah. Chicago, with the White Sox,

take on the Brooklyn Dodgers."

We all had cool, white nicknames.

"Up at the mound is Ol' Curly."

"He's a 47-year-old alcoholic. He's the greatest athlete alive."

"Runs a six-second, 40-yard dash."

"Fastest man alive, they say."

Then it happened, dude.

Then Jackie came up to the plate,

you can hear the announcers were like, "Meh."

"Coming on to the plate is a young colored boy, from Brooklyn."

"No way he can hit Curly's pitch."

"Here comes the pitch! Fuck, home run."

That was it, dude.

Jackie hit the ball so hard he knocked that voice out of all the whites.

Not one of us has talked like that since.

It was one swing of the bat, and we're like, "Meh!"

"All right, yeah, that was pretty good. That was good."

"That was good, it's time for us to focus on computers."

Anyway.

I was in Australia.

I was in a bucket hat.

I was already self-conscious about the bucket hat.

Tried it on in the hotel.

Just looked like fucking John Candy.

- It was... -

I was with my friend, he's a good friend, "I look like a fucking dumb-ass, right?"

He was like, "No, dude, you look cool."

"Who cares? No one's gonna give a fuck." I was like, "Alright, fine."

As soon as we got outside of the hotel, somebody gave a fuck.

I got made fun of immed... It was the goth.

The goth. I didn't even see him coming. He came out of the shadows, like they do.

This fucking guy. I was standing talking to my friend.

He was walking behind us on the sidewalk.

He walked behind me, took my hat off my head,

put it back down and patted me on the head.

I turned around, smiling at him.

'Cause I thought, "Only a friend could have done this."

This guy kept walking. He didn't even break stride.

He goes, "Nice hat, fatso!"

Destroyed me for no... I had no comeback.

I was just like, "Yeah, right!"

I was like that fucking kangaroo.

"What was that about?"

That was six months ago. I've thought about that guy every day.

Every day. I hate him.

I hate everything... I hate that he's a goth from Australia.

It's like, you can't be that. You can't be a goth from Australia.

You sound funny.

You can't... Know what I mean? That guy can't go around like…

"All day I think about death."

- - "Shut up, dude."

"I'm very dark and twisted."

No, you're not.