Tim Travers and the Time Traveler's Paradox

Ow, ow, ow! Fuck!

Oh, fuck! God damn it!

Why is that so hot?

It's okay. Just, uh...

Thanks, I'm just looking for, uh, looking for an affidavit.

You may have noticed in the news,

I am part of a pretty rough divorce, and it is, uh...

It's a real motherfucker, so uh, I am not-

- Going live in 10. - Fuck.

We gotta get going, so...

By the way, she's, uh, she's a witch.

I don't know if you believe in witches,

but I think she's got a cauldron and everything.

Welcome, questioners, truth seekers,

and good ol' fashioned angry Americans.

Welcome to "The Rant"!

I'm James Bunratty, and this is "Bunratty's Rants".

Now, I don't need to tell you folks

what's wrong with the broken scientific establishment.

Of course, the people that bought it,

I'm sure they think it's working great,

but it is not for us.

It is not for real Americans.

That's why I think you're gonna love today's guest.

He is an alternative science guy.

He knows how to think outside the paradigm.

He has witnessed the corruption firsthand,

and I think that you are going to be shocked today,

truth seekers, that's right.

Well, anyway, what I'm saying is

what you're going to probably say is pretty shocking

to a lot of people that don't listen to the show.

And to those newbies, I just wanna say,

welcome to "The Rant".

Let's get right into it.

Dr. Tim Travers, I am fascinated by your work.

Tell us exactly what the Time Travelers Paradox is.

Dr. Travers?

- Oh, right. - Welcome to the show.

- A few corrections there. Uh, one, I'm not a doctor.

And two, while I'm not mainstream,

I am definitely not an "alternative" scientist.

The difference being?

- One is for bored housewives with crystals

and closet racists.

- Oh, we got a show today! Do we not, out there?

That's right. Yeah, we can have some fun here.

That was a good one.

But my audience knows who the man of truth is.

And who is that?

Bunratty, Bunratty!

James Bunratty.

Now, besides, fast talker,

how would you know the difference?

You just said yourself that you weren't a real doctor.

- I was kicked out of school for behavioral reasons,

but my grades were excellent.

- Yeah. Establishment elites, am I right?

I mean, who decided that they were the purveyors of truth?

Education?

Peer review? Uh...

Hygiene?

Okay.

You're arguing that time travel is possible,

which is, even for this show, quite out there.

So, why don't you just, uh, hold your roll, pal?

- Well, I am sitting in a radio station in the year 2026,

so I think that it might be possible.

Is that, is that a reel-to-reel?

Yes!

That's a reel-to-reel given to me by Carl Sagan's assistant!

I married her too, all right?

Yeah, so I didn't invite you on this show

to insult my audience, or me, or my team.

- No, you invited me because Mothman was busy

and I was bored.

The Time Travelers Paradox.

Tell us about it.

Hm.

It's a thought experiment.

How much do you need me to dumb this down?

Just a little bit.

Agree to disagree.

First, a scientist makes a time machine.

That loops back exactly one minute into the past.

Oh, is that all?

- Then the scientist kills his younger self.

As he does.

Oh!

Yeah!

Now you have a man who should not and cannot exist.

Yet, somehow does.

That is the paradox.

Paradoxes are impossible.

Man, you are very smart,

but I would hate to go to dinner with you.

If you're just joining us, we have not-doctor Tim Travers.

And while you're at it,

pick up some of Bunratty's Blast Vitamins.

And while we're there, we have our own version of HGH.

It's not the dangerous kind that Sylvester Stallone uses.

No, it is Bunratty's HGA.

That's right, HGA. We'll be right back.

Great job, man.

Well, shit.

Um...

Observation one. Uh...

Light, or at least the perception of light,

can only move one way through the machine.

I can see into the past, but can't see into the future.

That makes sense, intuitively. Um...

Observation two.

The fuck!

I have, um, murdered my younger self,

and, and causality appears to be unaffected,

like, like completely unaffected, which makes no sense.

I refer you to my aforementioned, "The fuck!"

Theory one. Um...

Time travel has, has not taken place at all.

Instead, I have been

transported to a identical universe.

Problematic theory. Um...

Since that the machine might work as a fancy teleporter,

sending me to a, by wild coincidence,

place that just so happens to be indistinguishable

from my own past, seems unlikely.

Hmm.

Theory two.

I have time traveled in the conventional sense.

Please excuse my abuse of the word "conventional".

Um...

Time is a dimension in its own right.

Therefore, causality must be limited by the speed of light,

which prevents the paradox from ever catching up.

How the hell am I even supposed to test that?

Theory three. Um...

Uh, my presence has spawned a

new universe via my

interaction with it.

Now, that's...

That's an interesting one.

If my interaction is the seed, then, then from my frame,

no other traveler could impact my timeline.

But, but, but the traveler could continually

impact other timelines.

Now, that, that's testable!

I just, I just need to have a...

I just, I just need to repeat the experiment!

Now we're getting somewhere!

As theorized, my own timeline remains unaffected!

Oh.

Oh, crap. Forgot about that.

Now there's a thought. - Now we're getting somewhere!

As theorized, my own timeline remains unaffected!

Sorry.

What the hell, man?

It was an impulse.

I was trying to catch myself by surprise.

That's moronic!

Don't be a dick.

Right. - Right.

Twice!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Right.

Eww.

No, no. Date, date!

- Hey! Excuse you, fucko!

Yeah, 20 minutes late.

Bet ya five bucks he doesn't even show up.

Nah, ah, ah, ah.

That's mine. That's yours.

- Wow. Are you, uh...

Are you like this all the time?

Yep.

Kinda like it.

- That's real. - Dr. Travers?

- Still not a doctor. - Yeah, whatever.

Listen. You are belittling James a lot.

He doesn't like it. Hell, he hates it.

So, please, on behalf of the entire production staff-

- Well, he's been dead for like 44 years.

Keep doing it.

- You ever been in a room with Paul McCartney?

It is delicious.

Exactly!

"Defamation"? What about free speech?

Well, of course I made it up!

What does that have to do with anything?

- You go, James! We believe in you.

Hm. I eat this shit up.

So, you're not into the whole-

- Mm, bored housewives with crystals and closet racists?

Nah, no.

I thought this would be a great post-college gig

while I figured out what to do with my life, but, um,

that was 15 years ago, because time is a cruel bitch.

- Yeah, it's on the Moon!

By the moon, I mean my ass.

I'm Delilah.

I stopped talking.