The Art Of Killing

Hi friend.

Somebody help me!

Hello, Mr. Moss.

Are you almost ready?

Yes sirree, let me just finish

this little ciggy wiggy and I'll be right with you.

Just wondering if you could do me a favor.

Would you run out to the old whimsical wagon

and grab my canvases for me?

You got it, Mr. Moss.

- Mr. Moss, here's those canvases you were looking for.

Well hi there, Shane.

You just put those down anywhere.

Oopsy poopsy.

Looks like you got a little pain on you.

No no, let me finish this here. Okay. How's it look?

You look great, Mr. Moss.

All right, let's go.

Let's go take care of that.

Come on. Come on with me.

Here you go, young man.

- Thanks, Mr. Moss. - No problem.

Oh, super zoom?

Okay, I need everybody to listen up.

We're gonna be opening on camera number one.

That's camera one.

Everything is right.

The fuck,

is Shane fucking around with Leland again?

Shane?

Yes sir.

Man, how can we run a show

when you just keep fucking around with Leland?

So, what? Are you one of the stand-ins?

- That's a good look. Where's your daddy?

Ha ha. Very funny.

I spilled paint on my shirt.

- You go ahead and keep telling yourself that.

Asshole.

I mean really,

ain't nothing like the smell of a fresh new canvas.

Absolutely not.

You ready?

Let's shoot this puppy.

- We are ready whenever you are, my merry little buddy.

Roll tape.

- Hello, and welcome to episode 235

of "Painting with Friends."

I'm Leland Moss and I sure am happy

you're joining me once again.

So grab your paint, grab your brushes,

and come along on this adventure with me, won't you?

And for all you beautiful folks following along at home,

I have this super neato little title

that's gonna show you all the colors

that I'm painting with today.

All right, let's get started.

First, we're gonna get rid of all this dead space.

A little loosey goosey there,

I might have to tighten that down just a little bit.

Now, you want to be very gentle on the canvas, okay?

No hard strokes.

Gonna bring this, bring this right to life, okay?

So here we go.

Hey skank.

You scared the hell out of me.

- Yeah, well I need a ride. Mom needs some more smokes.

- I literally just bought her two packs this morning.

- You know she gets to chain smoking

when she watches that gay ass painting show.

I can't believe that doofus has her convinced

she's got some talent or something.

- Well, at least it keeps her occupied.

I mean, what else is she going to do? Come on.

And I'm not a damn taxi driver.

And you need to get your own damn car.

Hi friends.

- While y'all are out pick me up another bucket of chicken.

- I will drive and Travis will go in.

- I think this is my best one yet.

- It's really good, Mama.

- What do you think Travis?

- Its horrible that we don't have enough room

in the house to hang it.

Now go on now.

Get mama her smokes.

Y'all know it helps with Mama's creativity.

- Well, now we have our signature on there.

It sure was a fun one.

All right friends, remember, life is a canvas

and you're the masterpiece.

So until next time, I'm Leland Moss. You have a great day.

Bye-bye now.

Leland.

You were great, dude.

I mean, I think that was the best episode like ever.

- Yeah, that's 'cause we have such a great crew

to make me look so good.

Oh, you think so?

- Yeah. - Yeah, pain in my ass.

What'd you think, Kelly?

Do you want my honest opinion?

Please, by all means.

I think it felt a little flat.

I think we're gonna have to call for a re-shoot,

a little bit less rushed and scripted.

Leland?

Leland, Earth to Leland.

Hey, you in there buddy?

I mean, I just want what's best for the studio, you know?

I mean, one day I'm gonna be the director here and

this might reflect badly on me.

I didn't go to college for 16 months for mediocrity.

Hey, where are you going?

Leland? Why are you, don't walk away from me.

You asked for my opinion and I gave it to you.

You didn't want it, you shouldn't ask.

- And I appreciate your feedback.

- I think we need to call for a re-shoot.

That's not necessary.

- We have certain expectations, this show,

and I feel this episode did not meet those expectations.

My name is on this thing.

I don't want it floating around out there.

I'm gonna have to demand a re-shoot.

- Now there's not going to be any re-shoots and that's fine.

- This is horseshit. I didn't sign up for amateur hour.

- Now there's no need for potty words.

You are hired to do a job and you've done a wonderful job,

and you should take pride in that, friend.

- I am not your friend. Do not call me your friend.

Enhance your calm.

- Don't patronize me. This is horseshit.

What you did you old sumbitch.

- Getting my morning reps in, one, two, three.

Shamrock bits.

My favorite.

Really?

Don't you have toilets to clean or something?

- I'm just coming in for a little motivation, you know?

- Whoa, take it easy there, chief.

Woo wee!

Fuckin' good, man.

That just, that takes me back, man.

I should still be out there touring, man.

Still be out there.

You know, the, the drugs wasn't even good

when I was playing back then.

I just, I was out on the ground.

We just, all there was like a little weed

and maybe a toot.

Just a toot hangin' in there.

They got all kinds of shit now.

It'd all been different if I'd had just-

- '82, right? The showcase in '82.

- Yes. - Oh yeah.

- Wait, and Cheetah Whiskers were there,

Long-legged Donnie and the Cleft Palates,

Little Theresa and the Fat Bottom Larry's.

Can you believe it?

That would've been amazing, man.

- Yeah, you would've been a big star, right?

No, I know it.

- I might have to tighten that down just a little bit.

Now you want to be very gentle on the canvas.

Man, I just don't get it, man.

Why is this dude with the hair helmet so popular?

I mean, chicks love him. Look at him.

- You know, and we're all, we're very nice to our friends

so just treat it real gentle.

- I heard it's 'cause he's got a massive helmet

in his pants.

- And for all you beautiful folks...

- Shit. - ...following along at home.

- Well you can ask Polly about that 'cause she fucked him.

- That's gonna show you all the colors that-

- She's fucked everybody in this place but me.

I've been trying too, man.

We're on in one, Willy.

- Oranges, lemons, and grapes.

I see the fruit.

She took a peek at my balls.

Silly rabbit.

- What the hell are you doing back here, Bobby?

We got to move this set and get ready for the next show.

Art.

Are you back sassing me, boy?

Hey everyone,

welcome to Willy Wanker's Big-Time Fun Show.

I'm Polly Shanker.

Hi Polly.

- Are y'all excited about the show?

Yeah!

- Me too. What are we waiting for?

All right kids,

here's Willy Wanker!

I said, here's Willy Wanker.

Oh no, kids. Where could he be?

Can you help me yell for him?

Willy.