The Mindy Project

Leo, what do you want for lunch today?

You can have beef ribs or pork ribs.

I want a sensible salad with dressing on the side.

Ugh, the things your father teaches you.

- - Annette, you're early.

Hey, can you please go make small talk with your grandma?

I'll be out in a bit.

It's not Ma, it's me.

And 45 minutes early, is early.

15 minutes early is on time.

- On time is late. - That's really great, Danny.

Nice to see you. Hey, what're you doing here?

It's not Saturday.

Well, Ma wasn't feeling well,

so I thought I'd take Leo to school

because you got so much going on

with your divorce and everything.

I'm sorry, Danny, I couldn't hear you

through the walls of your glass house.

You were married for, like, two seconds longer than me.

I'm not getting a divorce. I'm getting an annulment.

Totally different. God's little eraser.

But you, there was Casey, me, and now nurse hair gel.

- What's his name? - His name is Bun.

Ben. His name is Ben.

And that was my only divorce.

If I wasn't such a low-key nice person,

I would point out that you've been divorced

from basically every blonde woman in Manhattan.

- It was two. - Okay.

Okay, enough. I gotta get Leo to school.

- Is he wearing red? - No, why would he wear red?

You know that hot colors wash him out.

The kids are doing their unit on gay pride.

Leo's the red in the rainbow. Top billing. Come on.

Do you not read your Bleecker Friends' weekly emails?

It's just that they send 20 a day

and they're all the same. You know, like,

"Blah, blah, blah, give money,

something, something, Yom Kippur, lice."

Yeah, last week we almost had to shave Leo's head.

For Yom Kippur? When will it end?

Okay, look, Min, I know you and I are really busy,

but I gotta tell you,

Ma spends more time at school than you do.

People are starting to think she and I are Leo's parents.

Like I could ever score a beauty like that, mm.

Please don't bite your lip like that

- about your own mother. - I didn't bite my lip.

You did. And I'll tell you

who participates a hell of a lot in that school.

My checkbook. It participates so much

they should be asking it to speak at graduation.

Okay, I can see you're getting real agitated.

Probably because of your current romantic situation.

I am getting agitated

because of my former romantic situation.

- Me? - Yeah, you.

Leo, let's go.

- Let me find him a red shirt. - Please.

Guys, I think my son might be a genius artist.

- Move over, Banksy. - Who told you?

I'm not Banksy.

Look at this incredibly cute drawing he did at school.

- I'm gonna put it on the fridge. - So when Leo makes a drawing,

it gets prime fridge placement, okay,

but when I try to hang my art,

everyone says it's pornographic?

- Come on, guys. - Blond hair, blue eyes,

no calzone in her hands.

That's definitely not a drawing of you, Mindy.

- Hmm? - In the...

Okay, that's Leo's girlfriend, Daisy.

Have you met this Daisy yet?

I mean, does she come from a compatible family?

You know, new money? Shouty?

I don't know her.

Maybe I should be spending more time at Leo's school.

I wouldn't worry about it.

My father was always away having his affairs

and Mother stayed in her room

talking to her mirror with the shades drawn,

and I turned out great.

How much of that mug is bourbon?

A mug never tells.

All right, Morgan,

this has been fun,

but we should get back out there.

I feel like people are gonna start wondering where we are.

Or at least where I am.

Well, maybe we could get some lunch?

My treat. Blood bank called.

They are accepting my donations once again.

I guess I'm not sick anymore.

Ooh, I don't know about all that.

I feel like us going out to lunch together

would be too much of, like, a date.

And why can't we go on a date?

I really appreciate you helping me

with my fertility treatments and helping me grow,

but I think I respect you too much

to continue having sex with you.

Come on! Ugh!

Why does everyone have to respect me so much?

And if you don't mind, please don't tell anyone

about any of this. You know I hate bossip.

Just as much as I love wossip.

All right, real quick. I get it. I hear you.

Can we still hook up once in a while on the side?

No, no, that's what I just said.

I don't wanna hook up no more.

Here. Got your lunch.

I ate the fries.

Ooh, my McCafe caramel macchiato.

- Come to mama. - I mean, do I get one or...?

Well, they were supposed to just be...

- Well, just... okay, thank you. - Oh, by the way,

there's a hysterical Catholic woman on the phone for you.

Oh. It's Annette.

Hey, Min, Dot got into a fight at Cardio Strut.

She thinks she's good enough to be in the front row,

- but she's not. - You're just jealous

'cause the teacher gave me an adjustment.

You're just trying too hard to look sexy.

- It's not an effort. - Look.

I am gonna be late for picking up Leo.

You know what, Annette, I'm gonna pick Leo up today.

I wanna meet this Daisy and make sure

she's not after his money.

Are you sure you know where it is?

Yeah, Annette, I know the name and address

of my only son's school. All right.

Bleecker Friends Quaker School for Toddlers.

433 Astor Place.

Thank you, and I pick him up at, what,

like, 7:00 or 8:00 tonight?

2:00. My God.

And we now have a new line of genetically modified sperm.

We call it Frankensperm. Not to be confused

with Al Franken's sperm, which we have a ton of.

I'm actually more interested in health, college education,

and, if possible, telekinesis ability.

Hmm, I noticed you didn't say, "Has a big heart"

- or "gap in teeth." - Shh.

Now, Miss Webb, would you like for the child

to be able to contact the donor?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I don't wanna confuse him or her.

Also, I want them to be able to make

a documentary about this one day.

You don't want the kid to meet his dad?

Do you want him to end up like me?

Nah, man, the exact opposite. Shut up.

I don't have time for this.

I have a 3:00 appointment with a very famous donor.

Robert Durst.

Louis ain't got no time to deal with this, Morgan.

He's New York's best spermmolier.

I am never doing anything nice for you ever again.

Just go pick up my laundry.

Nothing would give me more pleasure.

Robert Durst, huh?

I've seen Limp Bizkit three times in concert.

She means Fred Durst.

Morgan, I know what's gonna cheer you up.

Folding our briefs. Yeah?

Oh, we are gonna need more bleach on these.

- That's for sure. - I don't wanna be cheered up,

Colette. I wanna be sad and left alone.

Anyway. I was doing a load of laundry

and I found this little gold necklace that says "Diva."

Did some girl you bring over leave it here?

- It looks familiar. - Uh, no.

It's a birthday gift for you from me.

Really? I found it in your bedsheets.

I didn't think you were gonna like it,

and I'm gonna return it and get you something much better.

- Oh, no. - Okay, okay.

I love it.

I've never thought of myself as a diva,

but now it's the only way I see myself.

- - Shh, stop.

Hey, hey, they hate it. They hate it.

Oh, hey, Dr. Ledreau. What're you doing here?

I'm picking up my son, Sergio.

Your son? Say what?

Oh, did you not know?

I Schwarzenegger'd my cleaning woman.

You have a little kid. That's so gro... great.

- That's so great. - Yep.

Best court ordered thing I've ever had to do.

Sergio, va-ma-nos.

Oh, hey, Leo. Hi, sweetheart.

- How was school today? - Good.

Good. I wanna meet Daisy.

I wanna see if the girl lives up to the drawing.

Daisy, Daisy.

Oh, there's my favorite guy!

Coming back for another hug?

How are you?