M*A*S*H

‐Clamp. ‐Clamp.

Hawkeye, shut up, will you?

Yeah, shut up.

Thank you, music lovers.

‐Rib‐cutter. ‐Rib‐cutter.

How's it going?

We're ahead on points.

Spinal suture.

Suture.

The Lord helps in one way or another.

That's catgut.

The wound was infected.

I assumed you didn't want silk.

Lieutenant, you're not here to assume.

Settle down, Frank.

Forget it. Carry on.

Yes, sir. I'm... I'm working.

Working?

You could be arrested

for loitering in front of an operating table.

Did you hear that, Colonel?

Pipe down, Pierce.

Hello, you beautiful day.

Whoo! Hoo hoo!

Sometimes you gotta throw back some of the young ones.

Man, I‐‐ Uh, how about a rub there?

Right there.

You boys look a little tired.

Here's our gallant leader.

Henry was terrific in there.

Wasn't he good in there today?

‐Great, great. ‐Well, I must tell you guys

that was fancy cutting in there.

Both: Thank you, Henry.

Colonel!

‐Yes, Frank? ‐Colonel, I intend to file

insubordination charges against Lieutenant Ginger Bayliss.

Insubordination on account of a suture?

You're kidding, Doctor.

And I use the term because it always gets a laugh.

‐Sir? ‐Not now, Radar.

You just keep pushing around the medical staff, Frank,

you see what happens.

Are you threatening a superior, officer?

Now hold it! Frank, I'll be in my office in an hour.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

‐Radar: Uh, sir? ‐I'll talk Frank out of it,

but you lay off him, all of you.

He's a good surgeon, and we need him.

‐Colonel, sir‐‐ ‐You know, Pierce,

one day he's gonna throw the book at you,

and I won't be there to help.

Sir, I have a message from General Hammond.

Radar, don't interrupt,

unless it's a message from General Hammond.

Yes, sir.

Are we surrendering?

Hey, listen to this.

"The 4077th has now achieved a 90% efficiency rating,

"the best record of any medical unit operating in Korea.

Congratulations on a fine performance. General Hammond."

How do you like them apples?

You have another hit on your hands.

There'll be dancing in the street.

Man: A record unmatched

by any other medical unit in Korea.

And, in recognition of this splendid achievement,

it is now my personal pride

to award to Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake

the Special Citation of Merit, 4th Class.

May I have the envelope, please?

Hey, look at Henry. He looks like he's gonna have a baby.

Thank you, General. Thank you.

Uh, well, this comes as a complete surprise to me.

I don't know what to say.

I haven't prepared an acceptance speech.

No man wins an award like this on his own.

You people, you great doctors, and...

you swell gals who made this possible

are just too numerous to mention,

but I'm mighty grateful to all of you,

right down to my right hand, Corporal Radar O'Reilly,

who incidentally is in command of this unit

and just uses me as a front.

Standing here today, proud as punch,

I... I think back to the time

when I first considered a career in medicine,

back in Bloomington, Illinois.

Our family doctor, a nice old codger

who drove a touring car that had isinglass curtains,

uh, he said to me‐‐

Excuse me, Colonel.

"Excuse me, Colonel."

‐I have one more announcement. ‐I'm sorry.

There's a service charge on the award.

Colonel Blake's experience is needed elsewhere

for administrative and training duties.

Now, he is being assigned to Tokyo medical headquarters,

effective immediately.

Well, fine. And I'll, uh, keep in touch with you on that.

And I know you have to go right over to OR.

‐Yeah. Goodbye. ‐Guys.

‐Henry, bon voyage. ‐Thank you.

Normally, I'd soak this in a pail of water.

but, this being my last day...

Actually, it's a prescription for your health.

Have it filled in Tokyo.

Yeah, I'll do that.

We're going to miss you, chief.

Your fighting spirit, your little moods.

‐Your cheerful smile. ‐Your loyalty.

‐Oh, fiddle‐faddle. ‐Your gift for language.

Yeah, well, uh...

ahem, the, uh...

truth of the matter is that, uh,

I'll miss you delinquents too.

Uh, you're the two finest cutters

I've ever been associated with.

Well, uh, Henry, I guess this is it.

Yeah.

I don't know what to say.

Try "Thanks for the memory."

Yeah.

Colonel, I‐‐

Oh, allow me, Major.

Don't want to hurt those magic fingers.

What's this? Army Manual,

Thoughts Before the Battle,

1001 Jokes for the Officers' Mess.

He's got everything here but Clausewitz on Hernias.

‐Give me back my books. ‐Sorry.

Your books? Hey, where's he goin'?

He's taking his things into your house.

Well, uh, that's Frank's quarters now.

‐Frank's quarter‐‐ Him? ‐He's our new boss?

Well, he's next in command, you see.

Almost forgot your equipment, sir.

Oh, thank you, Radar.

‐Is that it? ‐Yes, sir.

Thank you. Well, I'll be movin' along, then.

Look, now, I know you guys are gonna be very happy.

Now, look, you're all surgeons,

and this is gonna work out fine.

Why don't you just go over and make Frank feel at home?

Sir, it's been a privilege serving under you.

I hope we see each other real soon.

Yes, Radar. Well, I... I was, uh...

Uh... (muttering)

Crazy monkey.

Move out, son.

‐Let's get outta here. ‐Ahem!

Oh, sir, here's the three copies

of the mess requisition forms that you wanted for next week

and also six copies

of the supply room application forms.

‐Put them on the desk, Corporal. ‐Yes, sir.

‐Good night, sir. ‐O'Reilly.

Where are you going? We have work to do.

Sir, it's 2:00 in the morning.

You're not going to bed

until this office is 100% shipshape.

Aye aye, sir.

O'Reilly, I assure you, all the goldbricking

that went on around here under Colonel Blake

is going to stop under my command.

Life is going to be a different kettle of fish.

Are you in the right branch of the service, sir?

Don't be snotty. Bring me the, uh‐‐

‐Fitness reports. ‐Not the fitness reports.

You can't anticipate what I'm thinking.

I'm not Henry Blake.

‐Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir. ‐I want‐‐

‐The efficiency reports. ‐...the efficiency reports.

Here's tomorrow's routine. See that it's posted.

They're not gonna like this.

I didn't come here to be liked.

You certainly came to the right place.

Ahem.

I could swear I heard a bugle.

It is a bugle.

Hey. I think we're in the army.

Ahem. Reveille has blown, sirs!

All right. Let's look ali‐‐

...ho. Everybody!

Hey ho, ha ho, ha ho, all together.

Hawkeye. Hawkeye, it's an emergency.

Major Burns is making a surprise inspection.

‐An inspection? ‐Yeah.

‐What's "inspection"? ‐That, gentlemen,

is somethin' they do in the army.

‐What's that got to do with us? ‐Yeah.

He's coming, with an aide and an MP.

We're ready.

If he wants to inspect a garbage dump,

‐that's up to him. ‐Yeah.

Ten hut!

Morning, gentlemen. At ease.

The condition of this tent is a disgrace.

Yeah, well, it does have that lived‐in look.

‐Mm‐hmm. ‐Actually, it's modeled