Rules of Engagement

Whoa.

Look who's come crawling back to beg for his job.

Neither crawling nor begging.

Just retrieving the last of my things.

Oh, and you just happen to be retrieving it all

the exact moment I always come in to work?

I've never seen you in the office before noon.

Before noon? What time is it?

8:00. O'clock?

Anyway, listen. I've thought about it.

I'm willing to take you back.

I mean, who even remembers

why you left in the first place?

I do.

Under the guise of a flu shot,

you implanted a GPS tracking chip into my arm.

Are we still talking about this?

It was a week ago.

No matter.

I have a new job, which I also happen to love.

Oh, yeah. What's this gig again?

You're a, uh, call center operator?

Street urchin? Hmm.

Snake charmer?

Are you fin... Magic carpet repairman?

I am assistant to Mr. William Charles,

president of one of New York's

premier commercial real estate firms,

and I will have you know, sir,

I have already learned more there

than I did in five years here.

Well, a teacher's only as good as his student.

So you have nothing else to say?

Because when I walk out that door,

I will never set foot in this office again.

Sounds good.

Typical.

I'd be a fool to expect anything more.

Timmy, wait.

There is something.

Yes?

Have you seen my "no fat chicks" sign?

I haven't, no.

Perhaps one of the full-figured gals ate it.

God, you are humongous.

When is this baby due?

Two and a half weeks. When is your mustache due?

Hey, Jeff, will you please pass the salt?

Oh, sure. Here you go.

You've got to meet me halfway.

Jeff, just give it to her. This is as far as I can push it.

Just give it. Oh.

Why do you have to taunt the woman who's carrying our baby?

Because you won't.

Somebody's got to represent.

Will you hurry up and have this kid?

I want the attention back to me.

Trust me, I can't wait.

I can't even bend over anymore.

You know, the other day in the subway, I dropped my bag.

I just left it there.

Anyway, you want to hear the worst part? Mmm-hmm.

If I laugh too hard, I pee.

Uh, wait a second. You've been wetting your pants?

No, it's... It's perfectly normal.

Yeah, if you're 11.

Four?

Yeah, it only happened once,

and so I've just decided to avoid anything funny.

Hence this booth.

Audrey, come on. We should get going.

We don't want to be late for the movie.

The movie doesn't start for an hour. It's only three blocks away.

Yeah, I know. We're going to be cutting it pretty close.

Okay. I see what you mean.

I'll be home around 10:00.

Oh, this is the best thing ever.

Audrey's only going to be gone a couple hours.

You must really not like your wife.

Nah, I love the feisty broad.

I'm talking about Brenda.

When she laughs,

she...she pees.

So if I can make her laugh,

maybe she'll pee herself.

Then what?

Well, like there needs to be more?

That's the whole thing.

You know, I'd help,

but I've got interviews set up for Timmy's replacement.

He's really not coming back, huh?

Oh, he wants to.

Came by a couple weeks ago.

"Hey, can I have my job back?"

I'm like, "No".

And he's like, "Please, sir, I'm begging."

Jen.

We're getting married tonight.

Oh, that's such a romantic way to wake me up.

Romantic?

Honey, you know my voice gets all singsongy

when I get nervous.

Now, now, get up. Get up.

We have a million things to do.

Adam, everything's gonna be fine, okay?

It's all under control. Under control?

Oh, no. We've got to work out the seating chart,

then I've got to pick up my suit from the dry cleaner's,

and if you think I'm done choreographing our first dance,

you're insane. Ugh.

Look, it's all taken care of, okay?

We planned a simple, small get-together

to avoid all the usual wedding craziness.

So just calm down, okay?

If you get nervous, you're gonna make me nervous.

Okay. I hear you, I hear you.

But I have barely scratched the surface of my to-do list.

To-do list?

"Add hydrangeas to centerpieces?" Can we?

It's unseasonably warm. I don't know.

"Invent signature wedding cocktail?"

Already got the name.

The "Jadam".

Train Mambo to be ring bearer."

We are not having your bird be the ring bearer.

He is your bird too.

Come on,

just let me stay in bed a while longer.

Okay.

Well, "Final premarital intercourse" is on the list.

All right, look. We've got to multi-task, okay?

So while we're doing it,

you've gotta think of garnishes for the "Jadam."

Ugh. Ow! Hey.

Jeff, Jen and I are going to get wedding day massages.

Did you do something with my purse?

Yeah, I took it to work yesterday.

Really made my outfit pop.

Ha, ha.

Just go back to reading your book.

Wait, you're reading a book?

Yeah, it's a joke book. Guess why.

Something stupid?

I'm gonna try to make Brenda laugh so hard

that she pees in her underpants.

Why on earth would you do that?

'Cause I don't want to be the guy

who could have made my friend pee in her pants

and didn't.

Aha, there she is.

Big day. You nervous?

Yes, but only because Adam's driving me crazy.

Oh, Mambo?

Oh, no, it's gone way beyond just bird stuff.

Okay, let's get you to the spa for some relaxation.

Here's the thing.

It would relax me a lot more

if you would just take Adam instead.

Are you sure? Why?

Because if he's getting a massage,

he's not ruining our wedding.

I don't want to come home to find

that I'm being walked down the aisle by Mambo.

Honey, my goal is to relax you.

So if this does it, fine. Yeah, I'll take Adam.

Hey, hey.

Which tux for Mambo, okay?

I'm thinking this one if he's a guest,

and this one if he's walking you down the aisle.

Good morning, Timir.

Ah, good morning, sir.

Your daily schedule is on your desk,

as are your phone messages.

Oh, and as I have a wedding to attend this evening,

I was wondering if it'd be all right if I left at 5:00?

Well, yes, that's when the workday ends, anyway.

It ends? How refreshing.

Did you receive the details

on tomorrow evening's cocktail reception?

I did. The reception begins at 7:30,

so I figured we'd leave at 7:00.

I thought perhaps you'd need a wingman.

You know, in case a lady you're interested in has an unpleasant friend.

That won't be necessary.

It's a business function. I'm not there to meet women.

Of course.

Besides, you have enough duties already.

Ha. Duties.

Pardon? Pardon?

Anyway, Timir, you're doing a great job.

I can't imagine your old boss

finding a better replacement. Mmm.

Well, knowing him,

I'm sure he's conducting a thoroughly professional search.

Confucius say, if you're gonna be my new assistant,

I'll be getting my own cokes.

Okay, La bamba,

I don't mind the occasional siesta,

but I don't want your whole family

moving into the office, comprende?