American Housewife

All right, Viv, I'm ready to wrap this up.

How far have we gone?

0.8 miles.

What?

But we have been walking for an hour!

It's been 11 minutes.

Ugh. Exercise messes with my internal clock.

You're on your own.

Oh, come on!

I'm tired of always being on my own.

But you have Violet.

She's 2.

Her legs are dimply like yours,

but she does not have your wit.

I like the wit part, so I'm overlooking the rest.

You know, I am a strong, independent woman

who's totally capable of raising a kid alone.

I'm just...

I just miss having someone to share my life with.

But I don't want another

self-absorbed Westport banking guy.

I want a good guy.

- You need to find someone like Greg. -

In fact, if he doesn't stop snoring, you can have my Greg.

I would love a Greg.

I just don't know how to spot one.

That is why I need you to come out with me and be my wingwoman.

I don't have that kind of time.

I'm raising kids. I run a business.

I just thought because you were the one

that convinced me to reject my ex

and stand on my own two feet

that you might want to help.

I could see why you'd think that,

- but I do not. -

Called a Lyft.

You can either keep your face or your ass, Viv.

I choose my face.

Hey, Mom. How was your walk?

Stupid.

Walking is stupid, son. Remember that.

You need a hand?

I could skip school and make lasagna with you.

You're being helpful.

I demand an explanation.

I'm just... nervous about going to school today.

Why?

A kid from school came out to me on Teen Help Line.

But I think he was worried I was gonna out him,

so he posted on Instagram that I was gay,

and the whole school saw it.

Are you sure this isn't just an elaborate story you're making up

to tell me something about yourself?

- I'm not gay. - Fine.

So, why don't you just tell everyone at school that it's just a lie?

If I do, I'll just be confirming all of this guy's worst fears,

that being gay is something to be ashamed of.

I have to lead by example

and show him that people thinking I'm gay

is not a big deal.

So, you'll be gay for him, but not your own mother?

That is some takeaway.

Oh, hey, Katie!

Gotta stay in shape if I'm gonna find a guy by myself!

I used to be able to count on you

to be the worst one in the family.

But now you're running around helping people.

Seriously, Oliver, look at what you're making me do.

Viv, I'm in!

We'll find you a Greg!

Whoo! I love it!

I'm here for you, girl!

This is who I am now. Hope you're happy.

Ta!

Katie, good news.

My brother's flying in from England.

He's lecturing at Yale.

Let's set him up with Viv!

- What? - She's lonely, he's lonely.

She said she wanted a Greg. He's a Greg.

Katie, relationships aren't just math.

They move in ways beyond arbitrary connection...

- You're stalling. - I don't want him to be with Viv.

I want him to be with me. He's mine!

Look, if I had a sister

from my father's secret second family,

I would pimp her out to your annoying friend.

There's no way to prove that.

That's why I feel confident throwing it out there.

My brother's going to stay with us for a few days.

I'm really excited to do all the typical brother stuff

we missed out on...

antiquing, reciting soliloquies...

C'mon! Viv wants all my attention.

She's up my butt about this.

And she's really skinny right now.

She might accidentally slip up there.

I'm not setting up my brother with Viv,

and I don't want to hear another word about it.

Great.

Now I'm frustrated,

and I'll probably brush my teeth too aggressively.

If my gumline recedes, it's on you.

It's him.

There he is.

They're walking together.

People are staring.

It's either because they think you're gay,

or I look stunning in paisley.

Having not done it many times before,

doing the right thing is an incredible hassle.

Hello, Oliver. Oliver's boyfriend.

Oh, I'm not his...

None of my business.

I heard your news.

You know that conversation we had the other day?

I want to clarify a few things.

Principal Ablin,

would you throw my name in the hat for Distinguished Pupil?

It'd look good on my college application.

You're Katie Otto's son.

Yes.

Then no.

I do not care for the people you associate with.

When I said "the people you associate with,"

I certainly hope that it was clear that I meant your mother,

not other gay people.

I hadn't given it much thought.

Until now.

Now it's all I can think about.

Oh.

Maybe being named Distinguished Pupil

will take it off your mind, huh?

Does that come with a letter of recommendation perhaps?

It does.

I'll write one up tout de suite.

You see that?

He's falling all over himself to keep me happy.

Huh. Turns out being gay is the same as being rich.

What are you doing with your stuffed animals?

I was just at Penny's house.

She re-did her room.

All of her little kid stuff is gone.

She made The Jump,

and all my friends have, too.

So, if I ever want to have anyone over,

it's time I get rid of all this.

I get that.

I don't know if I can get rid of my ponies.

Especially Glittermane.

She was brought to life by a dark wizard.

It's not gonna be a clean kill.

When I was making The Jump,

the one thing I couldn't get rid of was my Barbies.

Couldn't let 'em go.

- So, what'd you do? - I went cold turkey.

I threw them in the trash and watched as the garbage truck

took them away forever.

Then I guess that's what I'll do, too.

After feeding them and bathing them

and taking in one last glorious sunset.

Don't judge my process.

Otto bros in the house!

- Katie! - Greg!

It's so nice to see you again.

I've got Greg's office all set up for you.

Oh, do you have an adapter?

I need to plug in my rainforest noise machine.

Greg always travels with a rainforest noise machine.

Even though we were brought up on different continents,

- we have so much in common. - We're both academics.

We both like crustless sandwiches.

- War reenactments. - A cappella groups.

- - Wow.

On the way here, Greg wanted to try a real American donut,

so we stopped off at the...

It's too cold in my office for him.

- I'm sure he's fine. - No.

See, we have this cosmic connection

where I can tell what he's feeling.

Okay, I'm just gonna head this off now.

You're not twins. You don't even have the same mother.

You're just two dorks who share the same horny dad.

Pip pip, Ottos! Viv is here!

- - Did you tell her about my brother?

What? No.

People say "Pip pip."

- Hello. - Oh!

I'm Greg's brother Greg.

I'm Viv.

I heard you were coming and I wanted to make you feel at home,

so I made you some crumpets.

- Crumpets? -

You are so thoughtful.

Greg, who is this angel?

Come, sit, tell me everything about yourself.

Uh, were you a C-section? Were you a breach?

I want to know every detail, right from the start.

This Greg is so much better than yours.

I told her not to be her everyday awful self,