Chris Rock: Selective Outrage

Let's go!

- -

She said, "$300, I'll do anything you want."

I said, "Bitch, paint my house."

We don't need the death penalty!

We got the tossed salad man!

'Cause if a bullet costs $5,000, there'll be no more innocent bystanders.

I ain't scared of Al-Qaeda.

I'm scared of Al-Cracker.

You cannot lend money to people you're fucking.

'Cause they think that sex is a payback.

We just got a few bad apples that like to crash into mountains.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Chris Rock!

What's up, Baltimore?

Yes!

Yes, yes.

Thank you!

Thank you so much!

Thank you so much to coming to my Netflix special.

- Thank you. -

That's right. That's right!

Okay.

- I'mma try to do a show. -

I'mma try... Nigga, sit down!

I'mma try to do a show tonight without offending nobody, okay?

I'mma try my best.

You know why? 'Cause you never know who might get triggered.

That's right. You say the wrong thing...

motherfuckers get scared.

You gotta watch out.

You know what people say. They always say, uh, "words hurt."

That's what they say. You gotta watch what you say.

'Cause words hurt.

You know anybody that says words hurt

has never been punched in the face.

Okay?

Yeah, words hurt when you write them on a brick, okay?

You gotta watch out.

Everybody's scared.

Everybody scared.

If you a certain age and you go to work, you are fucking scared.

In the old days, if somebody wanted your job,

they just worked harder than you.

Now, somebody wants your job,

they just wait for you to say some dumb shit.

Yeah.

Try to get you with one of them woke traps.

Say, "Hey, we going to a gay wedding tomorrow."

"How do you feel about that?" Oh, ho, ho, ho!

"It's good. It's good."

Don't fall into the woke trap at all now.

I have no problem with the wokeness.

I have no problem with it at all.

I'm all for social justice.

I'm all for, for marginalized people getting their rights.

The thing I have a problem with is the selective outrage.

- - That's right, selective outrage.

Everybody, you know what I'm talking about?

One person does something,

they get cancelled.

Somebody else does the exact same thing...

No.

You know what I'm talking about.

You know, like the kind of people that play Michael Jackson songs,

but won't play R. Kelly.

Same crime.

One of them just got better songs.

That's right.

Well, I'll play "Startin' Somethin'," it's a party.

I play "Bump n' Grind," now you are activists.

So, everybody's scared.

Everybody full of shit, you know?

I'm in my old neighborhood the other day. I bumped into my, my good friend, Fred.

Hadn't seen him in years.

Hadn't seen him in years.

Fred got a new job at AT&T, okay?

So, I'm like, "Hey, Fred, how's the job?"

And Fred's like, "Oh, I love the job."

"It's a safe space."

"I feel seen, I feel heard."

"There's a lot of diversity."

And I'm looking at him. I'm like...

"Nigga, it's me."

What, you think I'm wearing a wire or some shit?

What the fuck you talking about, safe space?

Nigga, you did eight years for manslaughter.

Nobody's safe around you.

Everybody's full of shit.

Motherfuckers typing out woke ass tweets on a, on a phone made by child slaves.

You need to cut it out, man.

Not only is everybody full of shit,

not only is everybody full of shit, every business is full of shit.

- - Everybody you do business,

they don't even tell you about the product no more.

They just tell you how much charity they do.

They say, "We give back."

"We like to give back."

"We don't even like the money."

"We just give back."

I'm in the mall the other day.

I went by that store.

What's this thing? A Lululemon.

Lululemon, I walk by and in the window

of every Lululemon, there's a sign that says,

"We don't support racism, sexism, discrimination, or hate."

And I'm like, "Who gives a fuck?"

You're just selling yoga pants.

I don't need your yoga pants politics.

Tell me how you work on ball sweat.

The fuck you talking about, man?

And then, I'm watching the game the other night.

There was a-- There was a commercial for Subaru.

Commercial for Subaru, and it said, uh, "For every Subaru we sell,

we'll donate $250 to your favorite charity."

And I'm like, "Who gives a fuck?"

I'm like, "Subaru, you want to help me out?"

"Why don't you just sell me the car for $250 less?"

Shit, I'm my favorite charity.

Shit. You know what Elon Musk does?

Every time he sells a Tesla, he gets his dick sucked.

That's why he looks so weird.

'Cause his body has negative cum.

He's the richest man on Earth.

No one has lower cum levels than Elon Musk, okay?

Women are sucking out the cum before it's even formed.

There's a six-month waiting list for Elon Musk's cum.

He's flying bitches to the moon.

Who could compete with that shit?

No one has less sperm than Elon Musk.

Only Jason Momoa comes close.

To having less spunk than Elon Musk.

Fucking Lululemon.

"We don't support racism, sexism, discrimination, or hate."

They sell $100 yoga pants.

$100 yoga pants.

They hate somebody.

They hate the poor.

$100 yoga pants?

No, no, no. Correction.

They don't sell $100 yoga pants.

They sell $100 non-racist yoga pants.

I think I speak for the entire audience tonight

when I say most people in this crowd

would prefer a pair of $20 racist yoga pants.

That's right. Like, yoga pants that whistled "nigga" as you walk.

"Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga."

"Are my pants whistling, 'Nigga'?"

"Can't wear these to Cherry Hill."

Yeah, we live in Baltimore tonight, baby.

- We are motherfucking live. -

Okay?

Homework, that's right.

Whenever I do a show, I do my homework.

First thing I do when I get to town, I'll go, "Where should I not go?"

And then I say, "Where can I buy coke?"

And they're usually the same place.

Now, America's... America's got problems right now.

They say we're addicted to opioids.

They say we're addicted to opioids and we are.

I like a good opioid when I could get my hand on it.

There's, like, no pharmacist has ever paid to come to my show.

"I think we can get him in there, yeah."

That's right, man.

They say we're addicted to opioids,

but opioids are not the biggest addiction in America.

No. Not even close, man.

The biggest addiction in America is attention.

That's right.

We are addicted to attention.

Can't get enough attention.

Feening for likes.

Just feening. We used to want love.

Now, we just want likes.

Posting up pathetic pictures.

"This is me eating sushi. Like me."

"This is me, 25 years ago, when I was hot. Like me."

Oh, it's fucking sad, man.

Just feening for attention.

Addicted to attention.

And how do you get attention?

Four easy ways to get attention.

Number one easiest way to get attention,

show your ass.

Show your ass!

You will get attention, even if you don't got ass!

That's the world we live in.

It's why Blac Chyna has more followers than Gayle King.

'Cause Chyna is showing that ass.

That's right. So number one, show your ass.

Number two easiest way to get attention

is to be infamous.

Yeah. Do some fucked up shit. Shoot up a school.

Try to stab Dave Chappelle at a show.

That's right, infamy. You will get attention.

Number three easiest way to get attention,

that's right, to be excellent.