The Hard Times of RJ Berger

My name is RJ Berger.

Nature made me scrawny and weird-looking,

Awkward and pale.

Nature did a lot of things,

But I'm not about to roll over and be nature's bitch.

I'm gonna beat it.

Beat the fact that I have more pairs of glasses than friends.

Beat the fact that I was born to lose.

Oh, ride the dragon.

Oh, ride the dragon. Ride the dragon.

Ride the dragon.

Oh, yeah. God.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, it's almost 7:00.

Move that sweet little tuchus.

* hello *

RJ, are you okay?

Fine.

Are you crying?

No.

RJ, look at me. Is something wrong?

No. Can you just give me another minute, please?

I gave you a minute 15 minutes ago.

Oh!

Forgive me.

* hey *

- O-p-p. "objective, plan, perform."

Our objective is clear.

Get people to like us.

Especially hot chicks with low self-esteem.

Our plan?

Infiltrate the beauty mob and charm them

With our easy-going awesomeness.

Now all we got to do is--

Dude.

Dude, I'm trying to document our rise to greatness.

Are you paying attention?

Jenny...Swanson.

* *

Be still, my beating balls.

It's weird, you know? I know.

Every year, you think she...

Both: Can't get any hotter.

Friday night's supposed to be, like, insane.

Swanson's pool party?

Dude, it's the soiree of the semester.

I'm talking Robin Pretnar in a bikini, okay?

Bong rips and nip slips!

It's the key to kicking off our big year.

That's one guest list I don't think we're on.

Robin Pretnar.

Dude, I'd murder everyone I love

For one glimpse of those pepperonis.

'sup, whores?

Guess what's happening today.

You're taking a weed whacker to that mustache?

Lipski's posting sophomore study buddies.

So?

So perhaps I arranged to be buddies

With a certain someone.

You know, for all those late-night cramming sessions?

Lily, why are you so eager to ruin this friendship?

Why are you so afraid to ruin my sheets?

Lily, if he wanted to a dog,

He'd just go to amsterdam.

Shut up, miles.

I thought about you this morning, RJ.

About our kiss on the playground.

That was in kindergarten, Lily.

Back when you weren't

The only flat-chested girl in our grade.

- Just because you have bigger tits--

There! That's what I'm talking about!

What?

Dude, Natsumi Taniko just looked at you

Like you burned down her dojo.

That's, like, the 15th time she's done that.

Did I tell you I have a date with raven on Friday?

Wait. Wait, I'm sorry.

You're going out with the dark knight?

That kid is like five feet of pure columbine.

Jealous?

What, is he taking you to the cemetery?

You guys gonna drink some absinthe?

Maybe read from the twilight books?

Actually, he's taking me to Jenny Swanson's party, assholes.

And I wouldn't have to slum it with freshman goths

If you would just man up and take my offer, RJ.

Any time, any place...

Any orifice.

Oh, dude.

Max Owens just gunned down your boner in cold blood.

What a choad.

Hey, it's lipski's buddy list.

I hope I got someone good.

- Excuse me. Can I--

Can I-- excuse me.

Can I--

- Coming through! Look out!

Move!

Hey!

Jake Dunbar and Alexina Kors.

Brendan jacoby and Miranda meyer.

RJ Berger and...

Jenny Swanson?

What the ?

* *

* a-la-la a-la-la *

* give me three wishes *

* I want to be the dirty finger *

* and his six bitches *

* a-la-la a-la-la *

* give me more too *

* I want to be in that crazy band *

You're dragon awaits, my lady.

Email me so I have yours.

That's what she's doing!

You gonna eat that last piece, son?

No, thanks. I'm pretty full.

Oh, what about you, bill? Last piece?

Oh, better save some room, Rick.

Something tells me I'm gonna be doing

A lot of eating tonight.

Ain't that right, Suze?

As long as you don't spoil your appetite, honey,

'cause I brought your favorite dessert.

Oh, I'll make room. I'll make room.

Oh, you bring enough for two?

Or three?

Oh!

Three!

Four!

All: Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!

The buffet is open!

You know, it's so funny,

Because you're talking about Linda's vagina.

Ahem.

I'm gonna go do drugs.

I walked in on him masturbating this morning.

God bless him.

He had his lotion and his tissue all laid out.

Just yesterday, he was a baby in my arms.

Now he's playing with his baby arm!

- Oh, that's a-- oh, that's good.

* day and night *

* I toss and turn I keep stressing my mind *

[muffled excited moaning and yelling]

God, it's so warm!

- Yay! - Whoo!

I love you, RJ!

* *

- -

What the , man?

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- What the hell's your problem? - 's your problem?

Oh!

Damn it, Patterson.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Ejections are as follows:

Canton, number 22, number 30.

Pinkerton, number 21, number 18, number 24, and number 6.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I don't have enough subs to cover that.

That leaves me with four players!

Then I guess you'll have to forfeit.

God damn it!

Berger!

Get over here.

Please don't make me mop up any more blood.

Go put on a uniform.

I don't even know how to play.

God damn it, Berger!

You go put on a uniform or our deal is off.

No more skipping gym.

Now hustle.

God have mercy on us.

* *

Now you listen to me.

We are one basket away from upsetting

These undefeated pricks.

All you got to do is stay out of the way for 21 seconds.

So just keep your little toothpick arms down

And lock your feet in place.

You got it?

- Yeah, okay. - Good.