Mom

What's that?

Jazz hands.

Those aren't jazz hands.

These are jazz hands.

Excuse me, I went to dance camp.

These are jazz hands.

- Can I blow out my candles now? - Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Speech.

Yeah, speech. Say something.

Okay.

Thank you guys

Ugh. I really can't believe I've been sober for four years.

I mean, think about it.

That's a long time to go without puking.

You did have a stomach flu.

Any puke that's not flammable is a happy puke.

Anyway, I'm really grateful to be sober,

and I'm really grateful to have friends who I love so much.

Yeah, I see you there.

Christy, I'm so proud of you.

You've grown so much.

Thank you. You've been a big part of it.

Hey, everybody, I just want you to know,

dinner and dessert, it's all on me.

- Mom, you didn't have to do that. - Aw, thanks, Bonnie.

About friggin' time.

Hey, I have grown, too.

I've got a good job, I'm in a stable relationship,

when the doorbell rings, I no longer hide in an air vent.

She's like a rat.

If her nose can get in, she can get in.

I'm sorry, your card got declined.

Quelle surprise.

Hold on, you've obviously screwed this up.

How about you skedaddle back and run it through again.

Actually, they told me to destroy it,

but I was being nice, you ungrateful giraffe.

Well, clearly, I am the victim of identity theft.

Oh, please. Whose life is so sad they'd rather be you?

Uh-huh. All right.

Well, that clears it up.

Thanks. You have a nice day, too.

Okay, I know why my card was declined.

Are we supposed to guess?

It's not a big deal.

Did you put cheese in these?

- Is she kidding? - She's deflecting.

She does that when she's scared.

I'm not scared, you're scared.

Mmm. Tastes like Monterey Jack?

Tell us!

Fine. Apparently, the IRS put a lien on my account.

- Oh, Mom. - How much money do you owe?

Ten grand, give or take.

- What does that mean? - 18.

- What? - How does that happen?

We live here rent free 'cause I'm the building manager.

Apparently, that counts as income.

- Oh God! - Oh, relax. I've got no money.

They can't get blood out of a rock.

Yeah, but they can put the rock in jail.

No, they wouldn't do that to me.

I am a nice sober lady now.

I'm a card-carrying member of AARP.

Great. So you'll enjoy the senior discount

at the prison commissary.

Okay, you guys are kind of freaking me out.

You should be freaked out.

I don't want to go to jail again.

When I'm gay, I want it to be on my terms.

How can you just sit there and stuff your face with ice cream?

I wanted a snack before I walk the Green Mile.

Look, Adam offered to lend you the money.

Why don't you just take it?

No, 'cause we both know what happens then.

Every time I sleep with him, I'm trying to pay it off.

Who needs the lockjaw?

Really?

Now you decide to have standards?

You need a lawyer.

Yeah, but then they're gonna send a bill,

and I'm down on my knees again.

I bet Steve would do it pro bono.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

It means "for free."

Oh. That's a thought.

I slept with him pro bono, so he actually owes me.

Hola.

Hey, Steve, it's Bonnie.

Hey, stranger, long time.

Yeah, haven't seen you in a while.

Where you been hiding out?

What's that supposed to mean?

I'm just making small talk.

Oh. Be careful with that.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, everything's fine.

I, uh, lost a case and the kid went to jail.

That's too bad.

No, he should be in jail.

He's a monster.

The bad part is that his uncle is a Mexican drug lord,

kind of a vindictive guy,

so I thought it prudent to leave the country.

Smart move. Where'd you go?

Mexico.

I can't believe I slept with this guy.

So why'd you call?

Well, it's a little embarrassing,

but the truth is I butt-dialed you.

Oh, so a happy accident.

Hello to your butt.

Want to hear some irony?

Turns out, I'm allergic to pinto beans.

So, bottom line, I need a good tax attorney.

Maybe somebody I can work a trade with.

You know, house-sit, paint the garage.

All I have is an adoption attorney and a divorce attorney.

Oh, and a malpractice guy

for when I had to have my boobs re-jiggered.

That's not gonna do it.

I have a patent attorney.

Yes, I invented something,

and no, I will not tell you what it is.

What about what's-his-name, your half-brother?

Ray? I can't go to him. I just met the guy.

I'm not gonna hit him up for a favor.

You were also kind of a dick to him.

Takes two to dick.

Not with my new invention.

Hey, why not have Christy represent you?

Oh, that's a good idea. She's almost a lawyer.

What are you talking about?

I'm not even in law school yet.

I still have to take a gym class.

Your mom's not up for murder, she just owes some money.

The IRS just wants to make a deal.

They don't try to put anybody in jail.

They put Wesley Snipes in jail.

Not helping, Wendy.

It's just that they robbed us

of so many action-packed movies.

You could do it.

What do you think?

Do you know anything about taxes?

I know you're supposed to pay them.

That's more than me. You're hired.

What do you think?

Can I plead insanity?

You can plead you're a magical elf,

you're still gonna owe them 18 grand.

I don't think I can help you, Mom.

Hey, I did not raise you to be a quitter.

The first half of that sentence is correct.

- Christy, I brought you some coffee. - Thanks.

Did you bring me one?

Give me a break, I only got one crotch.

Just to be clear, no matter how late I stay up tonight,

I'm not gonna become a tax lawyer by tomorrow morning.

Don't say that. I believe in you.

Yeah, well, who cares?

All right, I see what's happening here.

Someone needs a little positivity.

Maybe this will help.

Adam, make her stop.

You know what?

This is actually kind of helping!

This is the unhappiest place I've ever been,

and I've waited in line for eyeglasses at Costco.

Stop talking. You're making me nervous.

What are you nervous about? Your neck isn't on the line.

Hey, I have to pretend to be a lawyer, pretend we have a case

and pretend these stockings aren't halfway up my ass.

Sorry to keep you, but I'm on a liquid diet

and everything's coming out basically how it went in.

If you're not feeling well, we could reschedule.

That's okay, I've got ten minutes till the bell rings again.

So which one of you is Ms. Plunkett?

Technically we both are, but she's the defendant.

I'm Christy Plunkett, her daughter and legal adviser.

Okay.

All right, I looked over your file and it appears

you didn't declare income for the last three years.

Can you explain that?

- Yes, we can. - You don't have to stand.

Okay, but while I'm up...

We contend that this has been a misunderstanding.

My mom, a.k.a. Bonnie Plunkett,

didn't know she was supposed to report free rent as income.

Yeah, you see, this is my first time managing a building.

I wasn't aware of how it worked. You get that, right?

No.

So what did you do before you managed a building?

Gosh, it's been so long.

I hardly remember what I had for breakfast.

I had spinach juice.

All right, let's set aside the last three years.