Plebs

This is the free weights area, steam room down the corridor.

That's the chill-out and chat zone.

Open 24/7, 365.

Whether you're here to work, not work or network,

Elysium's always there for you.

Wow, this is amazing.

We have daily classes, yoga, Boxercise...

or maybe, do you like Legs, Bums and Tums?

You just named my three favourite things.

We also offer a round-the-clock buffet,

hot-and-cold beverage station and a smoothie bar.

- Keep talking. - I plan to.

All club rules and info are here in our brochure,

or as we call it, our manifesto.

"Elysium... not just a wellness centre, a way of life."

Now, are you interested in joining?

- Fuck, yes! - Just a bit.

Huge! Membership packages begin at just 95 Denari a month.

Ah, in that case, no. Absolutely not.

We'll just do the free trial. We've got vouchers.

Oh, right. Vouchers.

Mm-hm. I bloody love a smoothie!

It's all the pleasure of eating without the hassle of chewing.

I might have a crack at the hot yoga.

Have a crack at the hot yoga instructor, you mean?

Well, both, hopefully.

Ooh, then maybe I'll get a facial.

We don't have time for facials. We've got to go to work.

I was thinking, instead of going to work,

why don't we pretend to be ill?

Yes, great idea.

Pretend to whom? It's our bar.

Please, man, it's not a bar, it's a toilet.

I don't want to spend another day in a toilet.

Neither do I! But if we want it more bar-y and less toilet-y,

we need money to do it up.

We won't make any money unless we're open.

Then you open it. I think I should cotch here today.

I'm getting a peaky all of a sudden.

Right. Grumio?

Actually, I might cotch here till tomorrow.

Tomorrow? How will that work?

Jase, in the bumph, does it say the vouchers

are for a trial day or a trial session?

Ooh, hang on.

"Elysium vouchers entitle the bearer

to a one-use, free trial session."

Boom, and I'm in. Sessions can last more than a day, mate.

Damn right. I've had sessions that have lasted several days.

Why stop there? You could stay for a week or a month.

In fact, why not just move in here permanently?

Why wouldn't we? We've got everything we need...

Food, beds, hot yoga instructors.

As long as we stay put, it's all one session.

OK, now I can't tell if you're being serious or not.

- That does look pretty serious. - I'll run the bar on my own.

Maybe see you in a few years,

when I've made my millions and can finally afford to come back.

Yeah, see you then. Tell my mum I love her.

Lovely!

Another one of your scrummy pink smoothies, please, Nero.

Uh-huh? That'll be your fifth so far, dude.

I know, I'm getting my five a day.

The cherry attire contains five fruits already

so that'll be more like 25 a day.

You guys are all about wellness.

But the idea of the trial is to experience

everything we have to offer here.

In that case, I'll try a green smoothie.

Not really what I meant but, that one's called Kale Caesar.

Oh, nice.

Hurgh! Not nice, not nice. Horrid.

Ugh, tastes like liquid veg.

Well, it is. Kale's a vegetable.

Fuck me, that's proper nasty.

Need a pink one now to take the taste away.

Enjoy.

Well, the villa's pure bliss and I'm loving the new orchard

but to be honest, the problem now is,

I've just got too much money.

- Oh, you poor thing. - The admin's a mare.

I'm seriously thinking about getting out of minerals

to ease the pressure.

Maybe find something smaller and funkier

to invest in here in the city.

Something hip that my kids would think was cool.

Let me know if you hear of anything.

Onto all fours.

Other arm back to here.

Take it back down to the downward dog.

That's right.

Oops!

Namaste.

Hey, Cleo, I'm Jason. That was amazing. And hot.

Oh, my Jove, look at you, you're absolutely dripping.

Yeah, the inside of my loin cloth's like a bloody swamp.

That's great, sweating's, like, crazy healthy.

Just make sure you drink loads.

We could drink loads together, if you like?

Maybe over dinner?

Hm, I'm not sure. Don't usually get with my students.

Please, I'm a really nice guy, I promise.

I'm not some downward dog.

Go on, then.

I live by the Esquiline Gate.

Meet me there at eight.

Yes! Oooh, no.

Actually, er... thinking about it,

I'd kind of prefer to go somewhere round here

if that's all right?

Sure, there's this OK tapas place nearby.

Yeah, tapas is good or, how about that restaurant nearby?

You mean the canteen?

It's really nice. Have you tried it?

Yeah, I've had lunch here every day for the last eight years.

OK, great, then you know you like it!

- Ciao for now. - Excuse me. Hi.

Hi. Yes, what?

Sorry, I couldn't help but overhear

your conversation in the changing room.

- The villa sounds great. - Thank you.

It's bliss. What can I do for you, friend?

You said you were on the lookout for some hip new investments

and I think I may have just the thing.

I am indeed, and I would love to hear about it.

- Genuinely. - Excellent.

But I need to pick up my daughter from an audition.

Ah, OK, we could meet another time?

Absolutely. Collar me when you're next here

and you can give me the full pitch.

Right, yes. Here as in?

Elysium. Oh, it's fine, all the members do business here.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I know we do.

It's just I'm not 100 per cent as to when I'll next be back.

I'm sure we'll run into each other. I'm here all the time.

- Great. Me too. - Until then.

I hope your daughter gets the part.

She bloody well should do, friend. I own the theatre.

Hm.

That was quick. Made your millions already?

I might have done, actually.

Cheers.

Cos people think yoga's just for the body,

but it also really clears the mind.

Sometimes when I'm doing the poses,

it's honestly like my brain's completely empty.

Oh, that must be wicked, cos I'm quite a sort of thinky person.

So I'd love to have an empty head and a bendy bod.

Then yoga's the answer.

You'd have to put the hours in,

spend a lot of time in this place.

Yeah, that won't be a problem.

All right, then, swampy pants. You can be my little project.

We could go back to mine and make a head start,

try some positions that are a bit hotter?

Oh, yes, please.

But, you know what would be even hotter

than going back to your place?

Staying here and doing it in, like, a corner.

- A corner? - Or behind that large fern.

Them ferns creep me out a bit.

OK, so is there a yucca or maybe just a basic hedge?

- I've keys to the storeroom. - Or a storeroom. Exactly!

Agh, my legs!

Actually, I don't think I can support you.

You need to engage your core.

I don't think I've got one.

I would have walked her home but that's out of bounds,

so, uh... I just escorted her to reception.

Ah, how romantic!

And are you planning on seeing her again?

That's the beauty of it.

I'll see her at yoga class tomorrow, it's so convenient.

Apart from lying about where you live

- and having sex in a cupboard. - Wow!

You've really made the most of your free trial.

Hope you've enjoyed yourselves, lads?

We have, very much, thanks, and we'll continue to do so.

So you're gonna become members? Congrats, that's huge.

What? No, don't be daft. We're just gonna keep trying it out.

Sorry, hombre, the trial's over, it's the end of the day.

Well, according to your manifesto,

the trial is measured per session and not per day.

And our session has only just begun.

Read it and weep, dickhead.

But that's...

Head office clearly meant "day".

They should have put "day", then.

Unless, of course, the manifesto is a load of guff.

The Elysium manifesto is not a load of guff.

Sweet. Thought not. See you in the morning.

Oh, blow them candles out on your way out, will you?

There's a love.

How long were you planning to keep this up, out of interest?

Who knows? Maybe a week, maybe a month.

- Maybe forever. - I won't be staying forever.

I'm just waiting for a business meeting.

This won't work, you know. I will flush you out.

Bring it on. But I warn you,

like a giant floaty turd, we are pretty much unflushable.