Wilfred

3x02 Comfort

Here's us playing roulette in the casino.

And here's us doing karaoke. (laughs)

And here's us... Oh, gross, Drew.

Oh, I'm sorry.

He must have taken that when he was drunk.

Okay, here's some dolphins off the ship.

Looks like a fun cruise.

Yeah, Mexico was a blast.

Thanks again for watching Wilfred.

Yeah.

By the way, how are you?

I feel like we haven't really talked since the wedding.

I'm good.

We heard about the whole Amanda thing.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I want you to know that I'm always here for you.

I appreciate that.

And here's me

looking out the window at absolutely nothing.

I did that for, like, four or five hours.

And here's me right after

I startled myself awake with my own fart.

And here's me... Oh, gross, Wilfred.

Sorry, I must've taken that when I was drunk.

Wilfred sure is excited to see us.

I think that this is the longest we've ever been away from him.

Hey, you should come over Friday night.

Drew took a cooking class on the ship,

- and he's cooking up some recipes he learned. - Oh, yeah!

And then you can meet Ron and Peggy,

one of the other couples from the cruise.

- They're super nice. - They're super fat.

All right. Yeah.

Sickness, Ry. Well...

what do you say we loosen up these OJs

with a few bubbles?

Drew, it's 10:00 in the morning.

Ah, just a little "hair of the dog."

Ooh! Ah...

Oh, looks like the cork scared Wilfy a little.

Jesus offers you a fresh start,

a clean slate... Hey!

Can you turn that religious bullshit off?

I'm trying to enjoy a blumpkin in here!

And in return, he asks for nothing

but your unquestioning faith and commitment.

If you receive this pardon from God,

you can stand before anyone

- with peace and calm in your heart. - What is wrong with you?

Nothing.

Because if you're ready to die,

you're ready to live.

Thinking about Amanda again?

God, I wish everyone would stop asking about Amanda.

I'm totally fine, okay?

Ryan, every dog has this one itchy spot

on his back, just above the tail.

And try as he may,

he can never scratch it himself.

I mean, sure, he can try to rub it up against a tree

or up against the underside of a couch,

but it's never as comforting

as the fingernails of a good friend.

What, do you want me to cry on your shoulder?

Hell, no!

I'm not talking about coming to me for comfort.

Why would I comfort you?

I mean, you've hardly been there for me lately.

What are you talking about?

Right.

I'm serious. What's wrong?

Ryan...

Jenna and Drew died.

Wait, what?

Yeah, they died for, like, 17 days.

I'm glad they finally came back, though.

Wilfred, they were just on their honeymoon.

Just 'cause you don't see someone for a while

doesn't mean they're dead.

Ah... I'm pretty sure they're dead.

I looked everywhere for them.

You think that death is like a vacation?

That's not how it works.

Do you remember Shep, the Great Dane

you used to see at the park?

Yeah, old Shep with the gray face

and the funny cancers he was always joking about.

Yeah, he's been dead quite a while.

Should be back any day now.

Wilfred, when people die-- really die--

then they're dead.

That's it.

They-they don't get to come back.

Wait.

So, my grandmother, my-my parents...

they're not coming back?

Holy shit.

Marley and Me is a really sad movie.

God, why was I laughing the whole time?

What is it?

My nemesis.

The bane of all dogs.

The mailman? Exactly.

Wait...

It all makes sense now.

He just goes away for a while,

and then comes back.

God, I feel like such an idiot!

He was never actually dead.

Until now.

The United States Postal Service is a lie!

- Wilfred, stop it! - Yeah, they act all kind and benevolent.

Sorry, just one sec! But then they come to your house

and drop off your mail!

Hey, I'm, uh, Bill.

Your mailman. Obviously.

Here's your mail.

- Did you need a signature or...? - Uh...

No, uh... it's kind of embarrassing,

but do you mind if I use your bathroom?

It's sort of an emergency.

Don't invite him in, Ryan!

He can't come in if you don't invite him!

Yeah, sure.

You can totally use my bathroom,

Mailman Bill.

You're letting him shit in the house?!

I don't even get to shit in the house!

Oh, uh... I don't mean to be such a princess,

but there's no way the dog can get through that door, right?

- A buddy of mine had sort of an incident. - Oh.

- Don't worry, you're fine. - Okay.

- Just, uh... I'll kill you! I'll kill you!

- Thank you. - I'll kill you!

(quietly) I'll kill you... I'll kill you...

- I'll kill you... Ooh, thank you.

- I'll kill you... - Really enjoyed your toilet reading, by the way.

Alan Moore? Miracleman? Classic.

Yeah, I've got every issue except number 15.

Oh. It's too bad it's out of print.

Yeah. You like Alan Moore?

Uh, yeah.

Rorschach? Awesome.

Yeah.

Whoa, is that a pentagram?

Oh. Yeah.

My ex-girlfriend and I met at a Slayer concert.

So, me being the romantic that I am,

I decided to get a tattoo to celebrate our anniversary.

- Nice. - Yeah... only, a week later,

she goes nuts and dumps me

for a guy she met at Chipotle.

Ah! No point in dredging up old bullshit like that.

Right.

Well, I'd better get on my way

if I'm gonna finish my route by happy hour.

Tell you what, you should meet me in Hinano's in an hour,

and I'll bring by a copy of Miracleman number 15.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, maybe I'll see you there.

Well, great.

Wilfred! What are you doing here?

Sorry, I just have so many questions

about this death thing.

I'm meeting Bill right now. Please.

Just one question.

You said earlier that when someone dies,

they don't come back.

Where do they go?

Well...

some people believe that nothing happens.

That you just "turn off," like a light switch.

But if you're religious,

like if you're Christian, for instance,

then you believe in a place called Heaven.

Heaven?

Eternal paradise,

where you and God and Jesus all live together...

Look, I-I don't know what happens, Wilfred.

I have to go.

Well, wait.

How can you leave me at a time like this?

I'm having a crisis here!

Are you sure that's okay?

Oh, yeah.

This is an "undeliverable."

You see, the rain washed out the address,

and look, there's not even a zip code.

So this thing's headed straight for the garbage.

Let's see what we got, here.

"Dear Steven,

I've been thinking of you more and more these days."

Whoa.

"I remember the nights we spent together last fall.

We did some things that I both cherish and regret."

- Oh! - Well, this girl's a pretty good writer.

"I still have memories

of your massiveness in my mouth"?