In Living Color

They're malnourished, homeless... their young lives...

slowly wasting away.

Hello. I'm Sally Struthers...

and each year we lose another handful of America's most valuable commodity:

Child TV stars.

Imagine yourself a child on a hit TV series.

You reach puberty, your show is canceled...

and your parents have spent all your money.

God, the stench of failure is sickening.

You turn into a gun nut, make bad career choices:

Drug addiction, attempted murder...

even transvestite-bashing.

All hope is lost.

But now, thanks to you, there's hope.

For just 75 cents a day...

the price of a cup of coffee...

the Adopt a TV Child Foundation helps...

get these kids back on track.

What happens to your 75 cents?

It helps to put your TV child back in the environment he's familiar with...

so he can cope with his failure.

It pays for acting lessons to help prepare for 20-year reunion specials...

plus lawyers' fees, talk show transportation...

and, of course, bail if necessary.

Most important, it keeps your child comfortable and happy.

- Hi. I'm Danny Bonaduce. -

I used to be into transvestite prostitutes.

Now, with the help of Adopt a TV Child Foundation...

I'm into straight prostitutes.

- Thanks. - Thank you, Danny.

With a small donation, you'll be able...

to watch your TV child grow strong and healthy.

Who knows? They may even land another TV series.

So what are you waiting for?

Send in your 75 cents, and adopt a TV child today.

Just call:

Do it now.

- How you livin'? - What?

- How you livin'? - What?

Hey, guy. Have you ever gone to bed with a woman...

who you thought looked like Robin Givens...

but when you wake up, looks more like Robin Leach?

- - That's what you call "coyote ugly"...

- because you'd gnaw your own arm off to get out of there. -

Well, chew no longer, because the new Coyote Ugly Escape Kit is here.

Coyote Ugly Escape Kit is the disposable prosthetic arm you attach...

before you go to bed with that special someone.

Simply fasten the realistic, stylish Coyote arm...

and you're all set for those rude awakenings.

What's keepin'you, baby? I need your lovin'arms around me.!

No problem, thanks to the Coyote Ugly Escape Kit.

At the moment of revulsion, simply unfasten the hinges...

and you're free and clear, with no messy torn ligaments or unpleasant arterial bleeding.

Yes, Coyote Ugly promises a happy hump with no bloody stump.

So remember, guys: With Coyote brand, you can say farewell to arms...

and farewell to last night's nightmare.

K. Y.Y.T. Presents a minority-affairs program, Black Like You.

Here are your hosts, Tom and Tom, the Brothers Brothers.

- - Whoo!

- Hola. - Thank you. Thank you.

Welcome to Black Like You. Not us.

- - Oh, boy.

Well, I'm so excited tonight, Tom. We have a very special guest:

African filmmaker Spike Lee.

Oh, wow! That's great! I loved all those karate movies he made.

- Enter the Dragon ... - Tom!

- What? - I think you popped a boner.

We're talking about Spike Lee, not Bruce Lee.

You know... Spike, the little guy with the skinny legs and big feet?

Oh, the troublemaker.

- Shall we bring him out? - Sure. Bring him out.

Ladies and gentlemen, Spike Lee! Come on out, Spikey.

- How are ya, Spikey? - He's a lot taller than I thought.

- No. - Your knees are not as big as I thought either.

- No, man. I'm not Spike Lee. - All right, Mr. Singleton.

- Let's get right to it. - I'm notJohn Singleton either.

Well, you're certainly not Robert Townsend. Your nose is too small.

What other African filmmaker is there out there?

- I don't know. - Hey, wait a minute. You're that Long Dong Silver guy.

You'd better get off our show right now.

I'm perplexed, Tom. It says here he's an Afrin... Afro... Af...

It just scares me, this black stuff.

He's an Afro-American filmmaker.

Well, I don't even see an afro. Where is it?

In the shop, gettin' the kinks out?

Hey, look, man. My name is Morgan Casey, and I'm an African-American filmmaker...

and I'm here to talk about the problems relevant to blacks and movies.

Well, let's do that. Let's talk about blacks and films.

Why do those people talk so loud in the movie?

I mean, you know, they're always throwing popcorn...

and I'm sitting behind some guy with a jheri curl, and it's dripping in my popcorn.

I want butter, not jheri curl juice.

They're both so greasy, you can't really tell the difference, can you?

Look, man. That's not it. See, there is a lack of roles for African-Americans...

in film and in television, and that's what I'm here to talk about.

Come on. What about America's Most Wanted?

- Good point. - That's all you ever see are black guys on that.

And what about the show Cops? Heck...

if they took the black guys off that, we wouldn't even have a show.

And what about the movie that was just out... LoJack City ...

- with that guy... what's-his-name... Ice Cold? - Ice Cream.

You guys are all wrong. It's NewJack City. NewJack City and Ice-T.

Oh, we don't have any iced tea. We have some Kool-Aid.

- We got the red kind. - You like that, don't ya?

Look, what I been tryin' to say is that black Americans are portrayed...

only as criminals, slaves, porch monkeys...

- Hold it right there. Hot-diggity-darn, you hold it right there! - Tom, Tom, Tom...

- you're losing your... your, um... - Tom...

- Pressure. - It's nothing... What he's talking about...

- is nothing but some toe jam and peenie cheese! -

Can we get away with that?

I mean, I'm really mad, Tom. I don't ever wanna hear anyone put down slavery.

- That's right. - I mean, when you think about slavery...

and you think about unemployment today, you ask yourself...

"Mr. Lincoln, what were you thinkin'?"

That's right. And if it wasn't for slavery, pal...

you wouldn't be in this country makin' films.

You'd be back in Africa making some National Geographic film...

with some native woman with her boobies swingin' all over the place.

- Oh, gosh. The horror, Tom! - Ack!

Could I speak? Can I talk? Can I talk?

That might be bad, but at least I wouldn't have some white studio executive...

tellin' me what I can do with the final cut of my film.

Let me show you a clip of the work I did before the studio got their hands on it.

I hate when these angry black people bring clips.

- They're never funny. - Never funny.

Your eyes are the thunder, and out of here I'll go...

for I too am mad, and I bid you tallyho.

- - Tom?

- We're gonna show the other... - You should've did the Spike Lee ending: "Wake up!"

Well, anyway, let me show you what the studio did to that scene.

Yo, I's in the Thunderbird.

Get yo' butt out here so we can go...

'for I get mad and hit you...

tacky ho.

- Bravo! Bravo! - Oh, I love it!

Man, that was wack. That's unbelievable, ain't it? Wack.

- I haven't seen work like that since... - SinceJimmy Walker...

was in that movie with, um, what's-his-name... Sidney "Portier."

- Do it again or something. - Do you remember the riveting scene with Antonio Fargas...

kicking that prostitute up and down the street and across 110th Street?

- That was it. - Man, you guys are wack. You guys are nothin' but...

a bunch of Bobo-butt-kissin' bonzo brothers, man.