Superior Donuts

Hey, Fawz, uh, who are your friends?

Some Iraqi investors I put together.

We're looking for properties to buy,

and I wanted to show them your beautiful shop,

the jewel of Uptown.

Now, we could use a bulldozer,

but a wrecking ball will be faster.

Fawz, how many times do I have to tell you?

I'm not selling the shop.

But, Arthur, they have a lot of money.

They're willing to overpay.

That word doesn't even exist in Arabic.

They had to say it in English.

Fawz, uh, would you get out.

Fine. Yours is not the only dying business on the block.

Come on, I'll show you something they used to call a "bookstore."

Ciao, bella. Dov'é la biblioteca?

Ah, the library's down the street,

and thanks for calling me beautiful.

Want to meet me later behind the biblioteca?

I'm getting ready to go to Florence,

so Tavi's making me learn Italian.

You know, a lot of people in Italy speak English.

I know, but, you know, our relationship's

been a little rocky lately,

and I'm trying to do my best to,

you know, go with the flow.

Plus, she really wants us to fit in.

I guess there's some Italians who don't exactly love black people.

So she's making you do homework

and making you feel bad about being black.

You can get that at any school right here in Chicago.

Well, you know, it's a good thing

I held on to this old "Help Wanted" sign.

I thought you threw that out when you hired me.

Yeah, but I pulled it out of the trash when you started ranting

about how mass incarceration of black men was the new slavery.

Well, you have no idea what it's like

to have your people rounded up and locked away for no...

You know what, let's just drop it.

Sorry.

Can't believe I'm gonna hire a new person.

Now, I don't think you know this about me,

but I'm not great with people.

Arthur, why don't you hire Tush? It's only for three months.

No.

I think I'm gonna need someone longer than that.

I mean, let's face it, the...

Franco's not coming back to the shop.

Did he tell you that?

No, but, I mean, come on, he's-he's going to college,

he's gonna spend the summer in Europe.

He's gonna expand his horizons.

You know, this place is gonna be too small for him.

Am I gonna be too small for him?

Arthur, aren't you happy for Franco?

Seriously, somebody answer me.

I'm too old to make new friends.

No, of course I'm happy for him.

He's gonna have a whole new adventure in his life, you know.

Which is what I'll be thinking about when I'm snaking that damn toilet.

You, uh, you like reading graphic novels

and building pillow forts? (Chuckles)

I'm gonna die alone.

Good morning, gentlemen. I have come to inquire about the job.

So I guess you're serious about giving up the gig economy?

Yeah, I'm ready to find a full-time job,

jump back into the rat race.

As opposed to my last gig, which was organizing rat races.

Well, you know, he definitely knows his way around the shop.

Yup, ask me anything.

Your biggest seller: The maple creme.

Your biggest mistake: The baby back rib donut.

It was like the bacon donut, only with more meat.

And bone.

Okay, fine.

Here's an application, and a pen.

Thank you.

Greetings, fellow donutarians.

Greetings, neighborhood vagrant.

You know the rules, Trashcan Lou.

You got to buy something before you use the bathroom.

Correction: Today, I am Job Applicant Lou.

Well, well, I hope you can handle a little competition.

I just wrestled a stray dog for a pizza crust,

so yeah, bring it on.

Okeydokey. So, uh, Lou, do you have any, uh, work experience?

I worked construction, did a short stint at a Burger King,

and I am this close to becoming a certified vampire hunter.

How about you fill out a job application, man?

Are you serious?

Why not? He cleaned himself up, he's-he's-he's making an effort,

and, you know, he's not gonna hurt nobody.

Unless that's part of the job.

- Hey. - What's up, So'?

I brought you something for your trip.

It's my journal from when I backpacked through Europe.

- Oh. (Sniffs) Phew. - (chuckles)

Somebody went to Amsterdam.

Yeah, I got there January. A week later, it was March.

Um, but I also went to Florence,

and this might give you some ideas of stuff to do.

Okay. Uh, who's this guy?

Oh, my God, he's so awesome.

- He dresses up like a clown... - Mm-hmm.

And then he sings opera in this village outside of Florence.

Wait, like the lady we saw on Navy Pier

- who has that accordion? - Uh-huh.

Remember-remember, I paid her five dollars

to play Bone Thugs-n-Harmony?

And I paid her ten to stop.

Anyway, uh,

this guy's weird and hilarious, and I'm sure you'll love it.

Well, you know I'm with it.

Let me text Tavi real quick and see if she wants to go.

Maybe after we see this clown, we can get some,

like, authentic Italian food.

You think Italy got Olive Garden?

Oh, you're so cute.

That was quick. Let me see what she said.

"What are you talking about?

Clowns freak me out. Where'd this come from?"

- You know what, I think she's gonna pass. - Oh.

I'm ready for my interview!

All right, cool, let's get started. Arthur!

All right, Lou. Why don't you take a seat.

Franco is making a huge mistake.

Are we talking the beads in the hair or the lady boots?

No, I'm-I'm talking about his trip to Italy with Tavi.

They think it'll fix their relationship,

like those couples who fight all the time,

and so they have a baby.

Yeah, Tavi's all wrong for him.

Huh. You sure this is about Franco and Tavi

and not your feelings for him?

Maybe a little of both.

No, it's about Franco and Tavi, mostly,

- and a little bit me. - Okay, look.

You ready for some tough love?

Well, I am a little vulnerable right now.

Sofia,

you had plenty of chances to tell him how you feel,

and you didn't.

Three days before he takes his girlfriend to Italy

is not the time.

- You're right. - Mm-hmm.

You're right. I-I should've,

I didn't, I need to move on.

And so, in conclusion, you may call me Trashcan Lou,

but my motto is "Trash Can Do."

Cool. All right, uh, thanks for coming in, Lou,

and, uh, we'll let you know.

Right now. No.

Tush, you got the job.

Yes! I can't work Fridays.

He didn't even finish his application!

I really need this job. I'm trying to turn my life around.

Well, you still got the vampire thing.

That's seasonal!

Come on, I just need somebody to give me a chance.

I don't know what to tell you, man, I'm sorry.

But, hey, you know what? How about a free donut?

Gee, thanks. Do you have a donut

that'll clothe me and feed me and give me shelter?

Bear claw.

All right, so, uh, before you leave every night,

make sure the sugar canisters are full.

Canisters, sugar, leave, full, are.

Got it.

Quick question... may I use the deep fryer for personal items?

Tater tots and fish sticks and such?

No.

I'll put down "maybe."

Uh, look, when we close up,

you, uh, put the money in the safe.

Uh, the combination are the numbers for, uh,

Ron Santo, Billy Williams, Ernie Banks.

- It is not. I changed it. - Why?

'Cause you keep saying it out loud in the shop.

Damn, Randy.

- You look amazing. - Oh, thanks.

But I can't get my dress fastened.

- Oh, I got you. - Okay.

- You got big plans? - Yeah.

I'm going on a date with that guy from Bumble, Shawn.

It's our third date. You know what they say...

- third date, third time having sex. - Yeah.

Oh, Arthur, that-that's Tavi, man.

Can you get this for me?

Yeah, yeah, sure. Put on a lot of dresses in my time.

- I mean Joanie. Just turn around, turn around. - Oh.

She's texting me every 30 seconds to remind me to check her texts.

She's just, she's just thoughtful. Yeah.

You know, this is impossible. Can I just staple it?

No.

- It's a very expensive dress. - All right.

And I need it to come off later.

Hey, did you guys hear about the nail salon next door?

The owner is sick and she had to sell it for pennies on the dollar.

Oh, that's terrible.