Family Guy

We now return to Sunday Golf on CBS.

And Mickelson here, trying to save par.

There's Mickelson's wife. God, is she hot.

Look at that rack. There's a downhill lie for you.

They're just out there begging to be touched, pleading.

How many golf balls can she fit in her mouth?

I'd hit that one in the rough.

Who are you kidding? You'd pork her for a week, then tire of her.

Yeah, you're right. That's what I do. That's my thing.

- But a hell of a week, though. - Hell of a week.

- Oh, my God. The power's out. - What are we gonna do now?

Well, we could light some candles and read.

- Yeah, right. - That'd be great.

Read the inside of my butt.

We could tell stories. Dad, tell the story about when I was born.

We got halfway home with the afterbirth, then had to go back and swap it for Meg. The end.

I got a better one. This is a story of love and loss, fathers and sons,

and the foresight to retain international merchandising rights.

This is the story of Star Wars.

Let's begin with part IV.

Hear that? Sounds like we're being boarded from the rear.

And not the "Let's experiment" kind of boarded from the rear.

Beep, oop. Could you hold onto this bag?

What if they come in a different door?

I guess we'd all just get up and go to that door.

- Is it gonna be like this all day? - I'm just trying to contribute.

Well, contribute to pointing your gun at that door.

Why are you always way nicer to me when the other rebels aren't around?

Damn. I was two days from retirement.

R2?

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

- All right, now, what do I click? - Click "Preferences".

- OK, I clicked "Preferences". - Now go to "Default media browser".

OK. There's a little hourglass and it's not letting me do anything.

- It says "buffering". What is that? - Just give it a minute.

- All I'm trying to do it make an MPEG. - All I'm trying to do is tell you to wait.

- OK. Relax. - Now click "lmport video file".

All right. It's telling me I have to download RealPlayer 7.

You know what? I'll just bring it to him myself.

There she is.

You still got that bag I gave you? It's gonna be a long ride.

Hold your fire. There's no life forms aboard.

"Hold your fire"? Are we paying by the laser now?

You don't do the budget, Terry. I do.

I'm gonna do crosswords but that doesn't mean I don't wanna talk.

Yeah, yeah.

My God, look at this mess.

"Darth Vader's gonna be here. Shall we clean up?"

"No, it's OK, he won't mind."

Well, well. Princess Leia.

Prepared to tell me what you've done with the stolen Death Star plans?

All right, Lord Vader, you win.

I've hidden the plans in one of these 26 briefcases.

OK, OK. I'm feeling number 14. Let's go with number 14.

It's OK, I'm just happy to be on TV.

All right, take her away.

OK, who would you rather do:

Jabba the Hutt right after a shower, or a service droid?

- My father was a service droid. - Where are you going?

You can kiss the lower part of the back of the canister that is my body.

Man, this looks like the wrong neighbourhood.

Oh, boy. It's OK, R2 - calm down, be cool.

I ain't done nothing to antagonise nobody.

What, a droid can't walk down the desert no more?

I got rights, too. Who's there?

Any attack by the rebels against this station would be a useless gesture,

no matter what technical data they obtained.

This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.

That is fantastic. Terrific work. So no weaknesses at all?

No.

You hesitated there. Is there something I should know?

No. It's virtually indestructible - like, 99.99%.

OK. Wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't ask: What's the.01?

Well, I mean, there's this little hole -

it was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect -

and if you shoot a laser into this hole, the station blows up.

Whoa. That sounds like a pretty big design flaw.

- No. The hole's only two metres across. - That's no bigger than a womp rat.

Exactly. And to get within range of it, you have to skim along a trench. It's no big deal.

Can't we board it up or put some plywood over it or something?

That would look terrible - we gotta think about resale.

What? This property is right above Sunset - the value's only gonna go up.

Lord Vader, your inside references to the Los Angeles real estate market

haven't given you the clairvoyance to turn a profit on that condo in Glendale. Nor...

I find your lack of faith disturbing.

That property is in a prime location - 20 minutes to the beach, same to downtown.

There's nothing to do downtown.

Enough of this. Vader, release him.

As you wish.

- All right, so we're gonna plug up that hole? - Yeah. Tomorrow, if price is no object.

- We'll get estimates. - Get estimates, yeah. Yeah.

Someone was in the pod. The tracks go off in this direction.

- Look, sir, droids. - Look, a penny.

Thanks for the sex, early '90s printer.

All right, bring him on out.

Oh, God, it's 100 degrees out here.

If I pass out, note I'm wearing a LifeCall bracelet with all my insurance information.

Luke? Luke?

- Luke? - What?

Tell Uncle Owen not to tell you that your father is Darth Vader.

Aunt Beru, when are you guys gonna let me join the rebellion like all my friends?

Stop whining, Luke, and come have some blue milk.

One day, I'm just gonna take off and join the rebellion, whether you like it or not.

Over my burnt carcass.

- Shut up-a with the noise-a. - Shut up-a with the "shut up-a".

- You shut up-a with the "shut up-a". - Shut up-a your face.

- Why you no shut up-a? - Shut up-a.

- Shut up-a. - I poke out-a my head.

Some day, I'll get off this rock and fight the Empire.

John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra, everybody.

Now do the theme to The People's Court.

This oil bath is gonna feel so good.

You guys think that '90s printer looked clean, right?

There's something stuck in this R2 unit.

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

Whoever she is, she sounds like she's in trouble.

Is there any more to this message?

Intergalactic, proton-powered, electrical-tentacled advertising droids.

Intergalactic, proton-powered, electrical-tentacled advertising droids.

Hi, I'm Darth Harrington of Intergalactic, Proton-powered,

Electrical-tentacled Advertising Droids Emporium.

Due to a garbled subspace transmission,

I am overstocked on intergalactic, proton-powered, advertising droids,

and I am passing the savings on to you.

She said "Obi-Wan Kenobi".

I wonder if she means old Obi-Wan Kenobi?

Well, I guess I'll go bull's-eye some womp rats in my T-16.

My God, you shoot small animals for fun?

That's the first indicator of a serial killer.

There's two suns and no women - what the hell am I supposed to do?

Master Luke, he's gone. He's gone.

- What? - R2. He took off in the middle of the night.

What the Phantom Menace is that guy's problem?

Mind if I turn on the radio?

WTAT, Tatooine's all-talk radio.

My good friends, the liberal galactic media is at it again. They never stop.

Now they're trying to convince us Hoth is melting. It's just trying to scare us.

And if that weren't enough to get you mad,

we now have news that Lando Calrissian

has been made the chief administrator of the Bespin Mining Facility.

Gee, I wonder how he got thatjob. Let me tell you how:

Affirmative action strikes again. The time is 8:50.

- R2, what are you doing out here? - Beep, oop, beep.

He says there are creatures approaching from the southeast.

That's not what I said. I said, "There ain't a pack of menthols on this planet."

Well, I see some bantha tracks, but I don't see any...

Wait a minute, they're Sand People, all right. I can see one of 'em now.

Who the hell are you?

One lucky son of a bitch.

So, Luke, what brings your muscly arms out this way?

I'll show you, Mr Obi-Wan. R2, play him the message.

General Kenobi, many years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars.

We need your help again.

Not to get too personal, but you owe us after that mess you got into back on Alderaan.

And we paid to keep the families of those children quiet, so...

This is just, like, logistical stuff. I'll check that later.

...Joey Lawrence haircut. So I'll assume we can count on your help

to get the Death Star plans to my father on Alderaan.

The plans are stored inside this R2 unit.

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

All right, now, what do I click?

Luke, you must learn the ways of the Force and come with me to Alderaan.

- What's the Force? - It's what gives a Jedi Knight his power.

It surrounds us. It penetrates us.

Here, check this out.

Wow. This is cool.

Yeah, everyone in the neighbourhood has one.

Why would you hang that up? It looks so tantalising.

You know, the Empire's gonna come looking for these droids.

But if they find out who the Jawas sold them to, that could lead them back... home.

Luke, wait. It's too dangerous.

Get your fat space ass back here.

Uncle Owen?

Aunt Beru?

Oh, my God.

John Williams.

Great. Now we gotta do the rest of this thing with Danny Elfman.

Mos Eisley Spaceport.

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

My sister, Regina-D2, lives here.

- Is she single? - She's a lesbot.

How are we gonna get in here? We don't have any chicks with us.

It's way easier to get into these clubs if you have chicks in your group. Noticed that?

No, I never have.

Sorry, private party tonight.

- I'm a friend of Dave Navarro's. - You're a friend of Dave Navarro's.

You saw me here last week. I seemed like a cool dude.

I saw you here last week. You seemed like a cool dude.

- Move along. - Move along, move along.

- He doesn't like you. - Sorry.

- I don't like you either. - You don't even know me.

That's fair.

I'm Pignose, and this is my brother-in-law, Scott. He's visiting from Hoth.

I don't know why they call it Hoth. They should call it Coldth.

- OK, settle down. - I'm up after the band.

Thank you. We're the Cantina Band. If you have any requests, shout 'em out.

Play that same song.

Same song. Here we go.

Oh, no, stormtroopers. Quick, R2, in here.