The Master and Margarita

That's where you are wrong, Ivan.

With respect to what was written in the New Testament,

it has never really happened.

We have ordered from you a large anti-religious poem.

You have written the poem, Ivan, and have done it very fast.

But regretfully, we were not satisfied at all.

You have created Jesus as if he were real and alive.

Although unattractive character.

My goal is to prove to you that this Jesus character

has never existed in the first place

- Give me a sparkling water. - Haven't got it.

- What about a beer? - We'll get some in the evening.

- What do you have? - Apricot water, but it's warm.

All right, all right, give me the water

What the devil?

You know, Ivan, I nearly had a heat stroke just now.

I even hallucinated, I think.

It's time to run the hell off to the resort, Kislovodsk.

Anyway... Where were we...?

I'd like to point you to the ancient authors. For instance,

the renown Philo of Alexandria, or the brilliant Josephus Plavius

have never dropped a single word about the existence of Jesus.

Or let's look at the 15th Book, the 44th chapter of The Annals by Tacitus

...where he speaks about the execution of Jesus. It is nothing but a forgery that was added to the book much later.

Not a single eastern cult

is without a maiden that has given birth to a god

So have the Christians, not creating anything new, created their own Jesus that has never lived in the real world.

Let's sit down.

This is what your main emphasis should be.

I would like to mention ancient Egyptian god Osiris

...the benevolent god, son of the Sky and the Earth, as well as the Phoenician god Tammuz

as well as Marduk and even the less known awesome god Huitzilpochtli,

who was revered by the Aztecs in Mexico.

A German. - An Englishman.

Isn't he hot with the gloves on?

Ivan, you have written well and with satire about the birth of Jesus,

...the son of God. The trick is that long before Jesus there were many sons of gods,

such as Frakian Attis. To be short, none of them were really born, including Jesus,

and you shouldn't be describing the birth itself, or the visitation by magies

Instead, you should be talking about the ridiculous rumors concerning that birth. Otherwise, it sounds in your story as if he...

...really did exist!

You should agree, it does sound quite funny. Don't be hurt, it does really sound like that.

L beg your pardon, but not being acquainted...

I do find the subject of your scientific conversation to be of such interest, that I took the courage...

May I have a sit?

Certainly.

If I haven't misheard, you were mentioning that Jesus hasn't really existed?

Precisely that.

And you were agreeing with that statement? - One hundred percent.

Hmm. Wonderful.

Forgive my insistence, but to my understanding,

...you don't believe in God? I swear not to tell anyone.

Yes, we do not believe in God. And it could be said with complete openness.

Let me thank you from the bottom of my heart.

What are you thanking him for?

For a very important information that interests me strongly as a traveler.

But let me ask you...

...what is to be done with the proofs of God's existence,

...which are precisely five in number?

All of these proofs are worthless.

You must agree that in the field of reason...

...the existence of God can have no proofs. God doesn't and cannot exist.

Bravo, bravo!

You have just repeated the thought of the restless old Immanuel concerning the issue.

But here is the funny thing...

...he has totally dismantled all five proofs.

And then, as if mocking himself, he has built his own...

...proof, the sixth proof.

Kant's proof is as inconclusive...

They should grab this Kant guy, for saying things like that, and send him off to the labor camps for a couple of years!

Ivan!.

That's right!

That's where he belongs.

I told him then, at breakfast:

"Professor, it is your business, but your though is an awkward one...

...perhaps, intelligent, but not so easy to understand.

...they will be laughing at you...

At breakfast? With Kant?!

The problem is, he can't be sent to the camps.

For the simple fact that for over one hundred years now...

...he is in places significantly further that the furthest camps.

From those places, he would be impossible to remove.

,A pity! - Yes, a Pity-

Here's the question that bothers me:

...if God does not exist, who rules the human life?

Man rules himself!

Excuse me.

In order to rule, one must have a precise plan...

...for a time period of some length, at least a thousand years or so.

Let me ask you, how can man rule

...if he doesn't control his own tomorrow?

Imagine that you, for instance,

...started ruling, giving orders...

...to yourself and others, and started feeling the taste of doing so

...and the all of a sudden, khe-khe, you develop a sarcoma of the lung...

Yes, a sarcoma.

There is the end of your rule!

No other fate but yours is on your mind.

Relatives start lying to you,

...and you start seeing famous doctors

...then charlatans or even fortune tellers. The first, the second,

...and the third are helpless, as you understand yourself.

And so the tragic end: he

...who thought himself ruling over something,

...finds himself lying in a wooden box,

...and the people see that the person lying in a box

...is no longer of any use, burn him in a furnace.

And yet it could be even worse:

...just as one is planning to go to Kislovodsk...

...not much of a trip,

...but even that he can't accomplish, because for no apparent reason...

...his foot slips and he is run over by a tram!

Would you say that this individual has been in control of being run over?

Would it not be closer to the truth that someone else has done it to him?

- Well... - You want to smoke, as I can see.

What kind of cigarettes do you prefer?

- Why, do you have several types? - What kind?

How about "Nasha Marka".

"Nasha Marka".

What the hell.

Yeah...

Yes, the man is mortal, that is hard to dispute. But the thing is...

Yes, the man is mortal, that is only half of the misfortune.

What is worse is that he one can go unexpectedly, that is the trick!

Man cannot as much as know what he'll be doing tonight.

That is an exaggeration. This evening my life is more or less planned...

...if no reason a brick won't fall on my head on Bronnaya Street...

Bricks never fall on one's head with no reason.

In your case that is certainly not going to happen, I assure you.

Your death will be very different.

- Perhaps you could describe how? - Gladly.

One, two...The planet Mercury is in the second house, the Moon is gone...

...evening six... seven... a calamity...

You will be decapitated!

- Who? Enemies? Foreign invaders? - No.

A Russian woman, a young Communist.

- Well, that is... not very probable. - Forgive me, but that is how it will be.

Oh, yes, I was going to ask you about your plans for this evening,

...if that is not a secret? - It isn't a secret.

Now I will go home to Sadovaya Street,

...and later, at ten, MASSOLIT, the Writers Union of Moscow

...of which I have the honor of being a chairman...

...will hold a meeting at 10PM...

...and I will be presiding. - No...

...that cannot happen. - Why not?

Because Annushka has already bought the sunflower oil,

...not only has she bought it, but she has already spilled it.

And so the meeting isn't going to happen.

What is the connection with the sunflower oil? Who is this Annushka?

L will tell you about the relevance of sunflower oil!

Have you, mister, ever been at the mental hospital?

Oh, I have been there, many times. I have been to all kinds of places.

Too bad I haven't asked the professor what is schizophrenia.

So please do ask him about it yourself, Ivan Nikolayevich.

How do you know my name?

Please, Ivan Nikolayevich! Who doesn't know the poet Bezdomny!

Excuse me. Stay here for a minute,

...I have to have a word with the comrade.

With pleasure. It is so nice under the lindens, besides, I am not in a rush.

Listen Misha,

...he is no tourist, he is a spy. Must be a Russian?migr? that has moved back here.

Ask him for his papers, or he will run off.

- You think so? - Believe me,

...he is playing dumb to find something out.

Have you heard him speak Russian? Let's apprehend him, or he'll split.

Forgive me, but in the heat of our dispute I forgot to introduce myself to you.

Here is my card,

...my passport and the invitation to visit Moscow for a consultation.

So, you have been invited as a consultant, Professor?

Yes, a consultant.

- Are you German? - I? Well, I guess, I am German.

What is your profession?

L am an expert in Black Magic.

Really!

And this is the capacity in which you've been invited?

Yes, I have. They have discovered at the State Library...

...genuine manuscripts by Herbert of Avril, an occult writer from the tenth century,

...and so it is needed that I decipher those. I am the only expert in the world.

- Are a historian? - I am a historian.

Today on Patriarch's Ponds some story is in the making.

Keep in mind that Christ did exist.

You see, Professor, we have a different point of view...

...on that topic. - Points of view are not needed.

He did exist and that all there is to it.

- But one needs some sort of proofs... - Proofs are not needed either.

All was very simple: he wearing a white cloak with an edging the color of blood,

...walking with a shuffling walk of a cavalry man.

In the early hours of the fourteenth day of the Spring month of Nisanu...

...into the covered colonnade between the wings of the Great Herod's Palace

...has stepped Pontius Pilate, the procurator of Judea.

- The prisoner from Galilee? - Yes.

- Have you sent the case to the tetrarch? - Yes, procurator.

- What was his reaction? - He refused to pronounce give a verdict...

...and has sent the death sentence by the Sinedrion for your affirmation.

Bring out the accused.

So it was you urging the crowd to destroy the temple of Yerushalayirn?

- Believe, oh kind man... - Is it me you are calling a kind man?

Call for Centurion The Rat Killer..

The criminal has called me a 'kind man'.

Take him out for a minute and teach him how I should be addressed.