Two and a Half Men

I had a great dream last night.

Really? Yeah.

I dreamed I got locked in a house made of donuts

and I had to eat my way out.

Interesting.

I had a similar dream, only no house and no donuts.

Morning.

Morning. Morning.

So, uh...

how'd everybody sleep?

Uncle Charlie and I both had dreams about eating.

Mine was with donuts. His was something dirty.

He's just guessing.

Good guess.

And yes, Alan, we see your earring.

It's pretty cool, right?

Yeah, if you're going to a Wham! concert with Molly Ringwald.

I think it's cool. Thank you, Jake.

Can I get my ear pierced? No.

Why not?

You can't keep the holes you have clean.

And you're too young.

Wait till you're old, desperate,

and living in your brother's house.

You can mock me all you want,

but there's a certain lady who thinks it's darn sexy.

First of all, I don't need permission to mock you...

but more importantly,

you let some broad talk you into piercing your ear?

Actually, my ear wasn't her first choice to pierce.

What else can you pierce?

Nothing. Nothing.

Fine. Don't tell me.

I'll Google it.

Don't worry.

He can't spell "pierce."

He can't spell "Google."

So, who's Princess Poke-a-Hole?

Just a nice young woman with a sewing needle and a potato.

A potato?

Yeah, she, uh, she put it behind my lobe,

sort of like a pincushion.

Oh. So you're a moron.

It's perfectly safe.

She sterilized the needle.

How?

With alcohol.

Okay, Kahlua.

Well, I guess I owe morons an apology.

You do know that's the gay ear.

What?

Left ear says "I'm a hipster from the disco era."

Right ear says...

: "Let's disco!"

No, no, th-th-that can't be right.

Okay, don't believe me.

Hey, look who's finally out of the closet.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

Berta.

Yeah. What are you doing?

Making your bed.

Well, I'd like to take a nap.

Hop in. You can spoon me, but it ends there.

Are you sick?

Yeah, I'm sick.

I'm sick of staying up all night with a screaming baby

while my daughter's out trolling the waterfront

for the father of her next one.

Whoa, that's rough.

Oh, don't feign interest in my life, Charlie.

Sorry, I, I, I see a woman in my bed,

I instinctively start lying.

Close the door on your way out.

Okay.

No.

No, this is ridiculous.

Berta. Get out.

Sleep tight.

Hello? Ow!

Uh, hello?

Oh, oh, hi.

Uh, no, no, it's, uh, it's just a little tender.

I'm glad you called. I, I missed you, too.

Yeah, yeah, last night was fun.

You won't believe who's in my bed.

Hang on.

I never do...

but I'm on the phone right now.

Ow!

Ah... damn it.

Uh, listen, how about tonight?

Oh, great, great.

The usual place?

All right, well, see you then.

Okay. B-Bye.

Berta's in my bed.

Really?

Couldn't you just pay her in cash this week?

Ow!

There are some things we don't joke about.

Okay, so...

why is Berta in your bed?

Apparently, her daughter's been out partying every night

and Berta's been stuck with the baby.

Oh, that's got to be rough.

Don't feign interest in her life, Alan.

Sorry.

Oh, hey, hey, listen, can you watch Jake tonight?

Why? You want to see if your new lady friend can infect

other parts of your body?

It's not infected.

A certain amount of swelling is perfectly normal.

Where'd it say that, Alan?

On the potato?

Are you at least going to tell me who this woman is?

It's nobody you know.

Oh... so I know her.

I didn't say that.

You didn't have to.

Now let's see.

Who do I know that you'd like to keep a secret?

You're wasting your time.

One of your ex-wives?

Rose? Berta's daughter?

: Berta's daughter?

D-Don't be ridiculous.

Ha... ha-ha.

That's rich.

Ha, ha, ha!

* Men...

I'm tired. Shouldn't I be in bed?

Shut up and deal.

Look, I'll give you back the money I won.

You didn't win it till we stop playing.

Now deal.

What's he doing up?

Not now, Alan.

I'm all in.

Jake, bed.

Hold on, Dad. Call ya.

Pocket aces.

What do you got?

You heard your father. Go to bed.

He's been betting on garbage all night.

You let a 12-year-old beat you at poker?

He's 12 and a half.

What's going on with your ear, Dumbo?

It's just a little swelling.

It's normal.

Better pierce the other one.

You don't want to be flying around in circles.

It's fine.

Listen, th-there's something I need to get off my chest.

If you don't see a doctor soon,

it'll be your earlobe.

Are you going to listen or what? Sorry.

I'm all ears. No, wait, that's you.

You know what? Forget about it.

No, no, no, no, come on. Talk to me.

It's about the girl I'm dating.

Berta's daughter.

How didyou know?

Your idiot son doesn't have a single tell,

but you I can read like a stop sign.

Okay.

I was going to build up to the big reveal, but I...

Just cut to the chase.

You remember how I had a little crush on Naomi

when she was pregnant?

A little crush?

You were like a monkey trying to hump a watermelon.

Are you going to let me tell the story?

I'm just fact-checking.

Go ahead.

Anyway, after she had the baby, we stayed in touch,

and I got to know her and the baby and...

I'm starting to care about both of them.

Aw, buddy, you got a heart as big as your ear.

But you're falling into the same trap you always do.

What's that?

You're a pathological rescuer.

Ever since you're a little kid,

bringing home that stray three-legged cat.

Oh, yeah, Tippy.

And finding the sick baby bird...

Mm. ...feeding it with an eyedropper,

nursing it back to health.

Until Tippy ate it.

And it's the same thing with women.

You constantly seek out these damaged, needy broads.

You know, you're right.

Maybe subconsciously I'm hoping

that if I save them, they'll love me.

Perhaps.

Or subconsciously you realize the only way

an emotionally healthy, self-supporting woman

would pick you up is on a scavenger hunt.

But... we digress.

Please continue with your star-crossed love story.