Jim Jefferies: High n' Dry

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Please welcome to the stage,

Jim Jefferies!

Hello, Toronto.

Alright.

Alright, look at this.

We're all out.

No more fucking masks!

I hated the masks.

I'll tell you who's gonna miss the masks:

chicks with good bodies but shit faces.

Haven't they been getting away with murder the entire pandemic?

In Australia, we call them prawns

'cause you keep the body and throw the head away.

I just got back from touring Australia, the whole place was flooded.

Right?

Remember three years ago, the whole place was on fucking fire?

Remember that? Just before Covid, all of Australia was on fire

and we're all like, "The world can't get any worse than this."

People died.

People lost their homes.

The only thing reported in North America

about the fires in Australia was...

- Koalas. - The koalas, yes.

You all seemed very concerned about the koalas.

If you saw me, you'd say something.

"I'm so sorry to hear about your koalas."

And I'm like...

Pretty fucking cut up about the whole thing.

How did they get all the press?

Imagine you're a fucking wombat and your family's just burnt to death.

Now I like koalas as much as the next man...

but if any animal deserves to die,

it's the koala.

The koala is the laziest animal on Earth.

It sleeps for 22 hours a day.

The sloth sleeps for 21.

It only eats eucalyptus leaves.

Eucalyptus leaves are its source of food and water.

There is a chemical in eucalyptus that reacts the same way to them

that THC reacts to us.

So they're stoned all fucking day.

Eighty percent of koalas have chlamydia.

So they're stoned with chlamydia.

We all have a friend like this.

And they're up in the tree with their family,

just sitting there.

And the fire's blazing through the Australian bush.

And all the other animals are running and jumping

in the opposite direction of the flames.

Not the koala.

"It's gettin' a bit hot."

"It's probably just your chlamydia, love, go back to sleep."

And then when we have these natural disasters

how do we rectify it as a society?

We get a young Swedish girl with a twitchy eye to tell us off.

Fucking Greta gets up there and she's like,

"I should be in school."

- -

Now, I know, as soon as I mention Greta Thunberg

that's a triggering thing for a lot of women.

A lot of women get upset when a man my age mentions Greta Thunberg.

In your brain, a little loop's going on

going, "How dare you pick on a 16-year-old girl?

Who do you think you are?"

You know what? You're right. That's wrong.

But she's 19 now and I fucking waited.

I waited three long years to talk about this shit.

I can say whatever the fuck I want about a 19-year-old.

Here's one for you:

I can fuck Greta Thunberg and I've done nothing wrong.

And I wouldn't use a condom either.

Out of respect for her and the environment.

Now,

I don't have a problem with Greta fundamentally.

I agree with everything she's saying.

I agree with the science.

I just don't wanna fucking hear it.

She's always picking on my generation.

She's like, "Your generation ruined it for my generation."

Not "my generation", Greta.

You're thinking of the cunts before me.

The generation before me did fucking nothing.

My generation invented the different colored bins.

That's all I can do, Greta.

I'm fucking flat out with the different fucking colored bins.

The generation before me had one bin and they threw everything into it.

They didn't give a fuck.

And it was a small, steel

fucking Oscar the Grouch lookin' fucking bin.

And it had a lid that fully detached.

'Cause that generation was so fucking stupid.

They hadn't thought to put a hinge on the bin.

So the lid and the bin could be one unit.

Maybe they talked about it in the bin factory.

Someone threw out the idea of the hinge,

"I reckon we should put on a hinge."

And then one bloke puts up his hand, "Yes, Neville?"

And then Neville goes,

"But what if the kid wants to use the lid as a shield?"

Oh!

"You fucking got me there, Neville.

Why would I wanna fuck around with childhood magic?

No hinge it is!"

And then on garbage day...

the bin company conveniently put two handles,

two steel handles, on the side of the bin.

So you have a couple of options on garbage day.

You can get the bin by one handle,

and drag it along your driveway with fucking sparks flying out of the cunt

and take it out to the curb.

Or...

you can pick that bin up with the two handles and put the wet garbage

up against your body,

and you could waddle out to the sidewalk

like this.

'Cause that generation was so fucking stupid...

they didn't think to put man's first invention

on the bottom of the fucking bin.

They didn't see...

a heavy object

that had to be moved on the regular

and thought, "Fuck me, the wheel would nail this one."

They missed plenty of these opportunities.

We didn't have wheels on suitcases

in any meaningful way until like the mid-90s.

No one had wheels on suitcases. I remember my father being at the airport

carrying two bags, another one under his armpit,

like, "There's no better way to do this."

We went to the airport in a fucking car.

He saw wheels in motion.

He was holding the wheel the entire time, couldn't fucking piece it together.

1971.

1971 was the first time the patent office got a patent

for a suitcase with wheels on it.

1971 was the first time anyone on this planet

thought...

to put wheels on a suitcase.

To put that in context,

we went to the moon in the 60s.

This means that Neil Armstrong left his house...

and he said to his wife,

"Next time you see me,

I'll be on the moon."

And he got out to the launchpad, looked at the rocket majestically.

"One day,

one day they'll put rockets on bags."

So,

let's tell some stories.

This first story

involves my fried DJ Qualls.

Right. You might know him as the skinny guy from Road Trip

or Hustle & Flow, or more importantly, Billy from Legit.

Right? So...

So DJ... DJ's gay.

Right? I can tell this story. He knows.

He's well-aware. Also...

If there are any gay people in the room this evening, welcome.

I...

Big fan of the gay community.

I've always been pro-gay.

I studied musical theater at university.

I grew up in Sydney, one of the gayest cities on Earth.

Me and the gays, we're down.

In fact, I'd say I'm an advocate.

They have not said that.

I like the gays. I like the LGBTQ community.

I like em' all!

I like the L, the B, the G, the T, the Q.

In equal measures. I don't even have a favorite!

I like em' all equally.

I support them all equally.

As individual groups.

I do not support them as a collective group.

Because they have fucking nothing in common.

You have one bloke who's like, "I like sucking dicks!"

Another guy goes, "I wanna cut my dick off!

We should be a group!"

Which brings us to the trans... people.

Uh, look. Hot topic in comedy. A lot of people are talking about it.

I've worked with trans people for 20 years

in this business. I have no issue with trans people.

I think it must be a very hard life. You know, if there was a surgery

that I could have for me to stop hating myself, I'd fucking take it.

So I get it. It's not an easy choice. Right? And then--

I've got no problems with trans people,

I see all the comedians, there's Chapelle and Gervais

and they told those jokes, and, um...

Everyone got upset and there was all this press.

And I have no problem with trans people.

But I do like press.

So here we go!

As I said, I like trans people. Do you know why I like trans people?

I like anyone who's got a good story.

If we're at a party and you tell me you cut your dick off,

you've caught my attention.

I'll sit and chat to you for a while.

I feel like you might have some tales to tell.

Can I empathize completely with a trans person?

I try to, but I can't, really.