The Ricky Gervais Show

For the past few years ricky gervais,

Stephen merchant, and karl pilkington

Have been meeting regularly

For a series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing. - Is that all right?

Hello and welcome to "the ricky gervais show"

With me, ricky gervais, stephen merchant...

Hello. -...And the little round-headed buffoon

That is karl pilkington.

Hi.

We've got a little email straightaway, karl,

From nikki in beverly hills, california.

She says, "karl, you rock.

I hate it when ricky and steve ridicule you.

I checked out your picture.

Although your head is not normal,

That's no reason to ridicule you.

You look gimp, but I never judge a book by the cover."

Cheers. - That's all you've got to say?

Well, it's only 'cause I've got no hair though, isn't it?

That's why it gives that effect.

No, it's perfectly round, your head.

It's a perfectly spherical head.

Your face is slightly too big for it.

It almost goes over the sides.

Perfectly round head, pug little nose,

Funny gimp eyes with no expression,

Hangdog look,

Like a lite mouth- like a little lamprey,

Not formed, not human formed,

The way your expression is like you've had a lobotomy.

Your head goes weird at the back.

It's got a little knot in it like a--

It's really strange, your face.

And you're stupid. - We've had a lot of emails saying that.

I think he's just paraphrasing, but...

Talking of emails, you know, a couple of--

I can't remember which show it was, but you mentioned, karl,

That you'd only recently seen a chinese homeless person.

Oh, yeah. - And it really surprised you

'cause you'd never seen a chinese homeless person.

And I actually went along with that.

I've never-- I've still never seen a chinese homeless person.

I can just tell you now the--

There's a few responses from los angeles,

People saying there are quite a lot

Of chinese homeless people over there because

There's a huge homeless community in los angeles.

So if you wanna see them, karl, that's the place to go.

But we have one from vancouver, canada, from a girl called amy.

And amy herself is chinese and she says that

She realized herself that she'd never really seen a chinese homeless person.

And although she says that apparently vancouver

Has the first or second largest chinese population in canada, she'd never seen them.

And she actually went for a walk

Around the chinatown in her area,

Looking for them...

And she could not find any on that particular day.

So again, canada--

Obviously not a place to go for chinese homeless.

It was just a point though. I don't want people sort of--

Well, hold on there, wait. I'll stop you there.

"hello, ricky, steve and karl.

I live in new york city and have seen a chinese homeless person.

Not only is he chinese but he's also a midget.

He's been living on the streets for the last 30 years.

He used to dress in rags, but thanks to a coat drive,

He's now wearing a fancy adidas jacket."

Now he encloses a picture.

He says he gave him 10 bucks

To take the picture, and I've seen it

And he's a little chinese midget fella.

I'm just a bit worried that people are going out there

Sort of looking for these

Because-- - well, that's what you requested.

No no no, but all I was saying is I saw one.

I didn't start saying, "excuse me, can you just give us a smile?

I'm taking your picture. " - we've had loads of pictures of people.

I know, and it worries me a little bit.

It's not too bad about the one who took one of the little midget one

'cause it-- if he'd kicked off,

It'd be quite easy to hold him back.

But I'm talking about fully grown--

So is that your warning to people?

"don't be taking pictures

Of fully grown chinese homeless"?

Well, yeah, I'm just saying

Don't be messing about, going up to strangers and that,

And annoying them and stuff, right?

Well, I think that's a good rule of thumb-- don't annoy them.

But that is a hell of a sighting, isn't it?

We ask for a chinese homeless

And they gave us a chinese midget homeless.

Many of the listeners are aware, karl,

That you're sort of fascinated by smaller people.

Well, he's fascinated by difference, I think. - Yes.

I don't think he's having a go at people.

When you-- when you stare at someone

'cause they don't look like you--

And let's face it, most people don't--

You're not having a go, are you?

Well, it's like I said, the first time I saw steve

I was never having a go.

It was just, "oh, that's different."

But you know, steve, it was never having a go.

It's just that thing of, "oh, all right, interesting.

- What do you mean? - No, just, you know, with--

I've said before about I've got used to it and--

Steve? Got used to it? What do you--

Well, you know my feeling with this.

I don't know where he's coming from with it.

But steve knows I'm not having a go. - Yeah.

Karl used to carry around a book that was called

"the top 50 freaks of all te."

It's interesting you should mention that

Because we actually had an email from ritchie

Who says that he's been a fan of ours for many years.

And he's listened to lots of the radio shows you've done in the past.

And he says, "of all the people you've discussed, karl, in the past,

Including some of the people from your odd magazines,

Who would you most like to spend the day with

Of all those people that you've encountered?"

Um, favorite-- favorite of all...

Certainly who you would want to spend time with,

Who you feel would be the most fascinating, the most interesting--

I mean, just recapll--

There's pillow man, the bloke with no arms and no legs

- That can roll a cigarette with his mouth. - Karl: Yeah...

- Not impressed with him? - That's not sufficient.

- What about the three-legged juggler? - Hang on. Let's recap.

- This was a man with three legs? - Three legs.

- And, uh, he said his job- - he became a juggler... - Okay.

...Not using the- the gift that he's been given.

- So what are you suggesting? - Anything--

Running, swimmer.

- Just, you know. - Yeah.

Uh, but what are the others? What are the other ones?

There was a picture of a gentleman.

You were fascinated by him. He used to play the piano.

He's got a tiny head, doesn't he?

Oh, yeah, that's that- that's the one who--

- He sort of ages fast. - Right.

So every other week he's having a birthday and stuff.

And, yeah, that was weird.

He's not having a birthday every other week.

His body's just aged, so it has the appearance--

His biology is sort of like- like he's 70,

But he's only 15.

He doesn't-- they don't have a birthday every week.

You idiot.

Yeah, I don't know about knocking about with one a long time though.

Only for a day. - Supposed it depends on what I'm up to.

Because if we're going out and about,

The pillow man would just be a bit of a drag.

Whereas--

Whereas if you're going for a walk across--

The three-legged guy-- ideal.

- So, yeah. - Oh, brilliant.

Lots and lots of people emailing just with questions for karl.

Just a couple of quick ones for you, karl.

Wendy says, "if karl had to eat

The same dinner every day for the rest of his life,

What would-- what would he eat?"

Um, you see, it depends, doesn't it?

I mainly eat just so I keep going.

M not that bothered about--

'cause I don't really taste it anyway. I shove it down.

You're like a- what? You're like a horse?

I mean, to be honest,

It annoys me the way people worry about food now

And how there's so much to choose from.

I think it's gotten out of hand.

Any form of choice really worries you, doesn't it?

You don't like choice.

No, choice is good, but not too much.

It's like with anything now.

If you go into a toffee shop,

- There's like loads-- - sorry.

Where are you going to find a toffee shop?

So you're in- you're in a fairy tale.

Yeah yeah yeah. You're in- you're in a dickens tale

In the 19th century.

You're in "shrek" and you--

Yeah, and you go into a toffee shop.

What I'm saying-- you go into a shop full of toffee--

You've just come from the candlestick maker. -

You go in there and there's just too much choice.

It's like what- and I can stand there

Up to four minutes sort of going--

- Up to four minutes. - So specific.

Four minutes. - So he's in a toffee shop in a top hat going--

He's only got four minutes because he's gotta get

Into the pea green boat that he's sailing off in.

"good morrow." - karl: Well, forget the toffee shop.

"could I have some of your finest oxfordshire toffees?"

So you'd prefer it was just one selection of toffee?

Well, maybe two.

What I'm saying is there's now too much choice.

Whenever you get a menu in a restaurant,