Accidentally on Purpose

Oh, God!

See, this is why I do not play basketball.

You fell running back from the souvlaki truck.

Davis, hurry up! Yeah.

I'm coming! I'm coming!

Whoa.

Come on, I think there's some Band-Aids in the bathroom.

I don't know what that was,

but it wasn't hummus.

Well, what do we have here?

Hey, guys.

Zack, this is Nicole.

She's the best baby nurse in the whole city.

The couple she was supposed to work for

just got indicted for fraud, so, they don't need a baby nurse,

'cause their baby nurse is now the State of California.

Isn't that great?

Yeah. Nice to meet you.

What's a baby nurse?

Oh.

She'll be spending the night with us

for the first couple weeks to help us out.

And if she's not here, my mother will be here,

so I don't think I need to finish that thought.

Oh, what happened to your knee?

Oh, just, you know, sports injury.

Damn, my extreme manly athleticism.

Oh, my God, it's really bleeding!

Oh, okay, why don't I help you with that?

Oh.

I also have a spider bite on my tushy.

She's so fantastic, I didn't even interview anyone else.

She just knocked it out of the park.

I've got a nursing degree from Cal,

a long list of references,

and for what it's worth,

I think you're going to be a great mother.

And I'd never believe you were 37.

You're hired.

What made you decide to do this?

My mom called and she's like,

"You're never going to be able to handle a baby."

I'm like, "Are you calling me

just to make me feel bad about myself?"

She's like, "No, I'm calling to pay for a baby nurse."

So I'm like, "All right. I love you. Bye."

How's that?

Perfect.

I'm telling you, Zack,

she is our savior.

You and I've been doing things all wrong.

All wrong.

Like that changing table...

What's wrong with the changing table?

I built that changing table.

Nicole said it's a death trap.

It's fine.

My mom used to change me on a hibachi grill.

She also said you'd make a sarcastic remark.

Did she say I'd make an obscene gesture?

Some nurse lady I don't even know

is in there baby proofing.

You know how hard it is

to take a pee in the middle of the night

with a lock on your toilet?

Dude, I can see how you might feel

like she's encroaching on your turf,

but you got to look at it like this, man...

she is hot.

I mean, what does a baby nurse even do?

In the middle of the night,

she squeezes Billie's breasts to get the milk out.

Are you ready, Billie?

Are you kidding?

This is my favorite time of night.

See? I feel like I should be consulted

on who's squeezing Billie's breasts at night.

Well, I'm glad you're open to suggestion,

because I would like to throw my hat into the ring.

I mean, come on, Zack, like you wouldn't have chosen Nicole?

No, I wouldn't have, man.

She's got the crazy eyes.

Remember that girl I dated a couple times last year--

Candy?

Oh, Candy.

I miss Candy.

Well, this chick Nicole gives me

the same crazy vibe that Candy did.

Oh, hey!

Nicole, is it?

Remember me fr the bathroom?

Knee's never been better.

I can kick, I can jump.

Ah! Hammy.

Dude, settle.

Come on, let's go to Furniken

so we can return the changing table.

Oh, yeah, just give me an hour or two

and then I'll take it apart.

Oh, I did it already.

It took me, like, three minutes.

: Three minutes?

I love you.

I mean, thank you. Oh, screw it,

I frickin' love you.

So, Abby and Olivia

are going to meet us at Furniken,

'cause Olivia has to pick out a present for her mom.

Ah, the whole day with just us girls?

Maybe our periods will sync up.

Okay...

usually when we leave, you guys leave, so...

Who wants to race me to the door?

Uh-uh, I don't think so, Mama.

It's March Madness, and you've got the sports package.

I do not have the sports package.

What is he talking about?

I bought it without asking you.

Imagine that.

All right, listen.

Stay away from Nicole.

Do not talk to her,

do not accidentally grind on her as she walks by.

And don't do that thing where you fake choke

so that she has to give you mouth-to-mouth.

I was really choking.

You had an erection.

Everybody has that.

It's called a near-death erection.

Well, you're going to have another near-death erection

if you bother Nicole.

Do not even think about it.

Ease up, brain sheriff.

I won't even think about it.

It's kind of hot in here.

Yeah, I'm thinking about it.

Accidentally on Purpose1x16 Face Off Original Air Date on April 7, 2010

Oh, my God!

Nicole packed me almonds.

"Don't forget your Kegels!"

Those are these exercises you do

to strengthen your pelvic floor muscles.

Yeah, you told me.

Makes your vagina bionic.

I'm going to go grab us a number.

Zack, get those chairs before the family gets in there.

That old lady looks tired. Go, go!

I need to buy my mum a birthday present.

What do you get an angry 65-year-old Scottish alcoholic

who has everything because she's also a kleptomaniac?

Oh, I'm sure you'll find something,

because you are in the right place.

Swedes are known for their festive kitchen items.

How do you know that?

Oh, I love this place.

Ever since I bought my first Furniken cookie sheet,

I have been fascinated with Nordic culture.

Did you know

that Vikings invented nonconsensual sex?

141.

And they are on ten.

If we estimate five minutes for every person in here,

I'll be giving birth in this chair.

If my water breaks, I'm cutting in line.

Oh, this is great. I'd much rather be here

than watching basketball with my friends.

Okay, that's like the fourth snarky thing

you've said in the last ten minutes.

And you're ruining the word snarky for me,

'cause here a snarky is fried dough dipped in powdered sugar.

Look, I'm just kind of pissed about this whole Nicole thing.

At least you could've discussed it with me before you hired her.

I had to move fast.

There were other couples after her.

Okay, let me ask you this:

What if you came home and found out that I had hired somebody

to take care of something without asking you?

Like, I don't know, a sex person.

"A sex person?"

Yeah, you walk in and me and some girl

5Pare going to town on each othr and I look over at you and say,

"It's okay, Billie. My mom's paying for this!"

I would be happy

that your mom is finally willing to pony up some money.

It's just, if you would've included,

I could've told you that I had a gut feeling

that something was wrong with Nicole.

Nicole is sweet and nurturing,

and an excellent choice.

And my gut is three times the size of yours.

So, my gut is smarter.

Apple sauce, milady?

No, thank you.

I'm going to stick with water.

Mmm.

Oh.

I'm such a klutz.

You really work up a sweat baby proofing.

Yes.

The ventilation is subpar.