M*A*S*H

MAN (on P. A.): Attention, all personnel.

This is your wake‐up call.

It is now 0130,

and we have an ambulance in the compound.

Prepare some plasma.

Who says there's no nightlife in Korea?

Pretty light tonight. Just got three.

Oh, business is bad. Isn't that good?

Let's see what you got there.

Ooh‐ee. We got the starter kit for a fragment collection.

‐Get some plasma going. ‐All right.

Yes, doctor.

You're soaked. What'd you get hit by, a water bomb?

I fell in a ditch.

Is it anything serious? Am I gonna be okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just have a fractured wrist and some lacerations

and a little water on the knee

and on the other knee and on the elbow.

Take him inside.

Bad leg wound. Hold that pressure bandage very tight.

Tight, tight, tight! Get him prepped.

‐Okay. ‐How does it look?

Oh, you're in luck, Colonel.

‐Your patient didn't show up. ‐What?

We got everything under control.

Why don't you go back and go to sleep?

Okay, just following doctor's orders.

Ah‐choo!

Pierce, will you kindly shut up?

Charles, Charles, don't be hasty.

I know it's difficult for you, but show a little compassion.

‐Hawk, you coming down with something? ‐No, no, I'm fine.

‐You're sure? A cold? The flu? ‐No.

Hay fever.

Beej, I don't have a cold.

It's just a little sneezing.

Oh, well, in that case, shut up!

‐Ah‐choo! ‐ALL: God bless you.

‐You need a hankie there, Pierce? ‐No, I'm fine.

It has been brought to my attention

that the keys to the lab

are pulling a Judge Crater on us.

You've got to remember to return them.

‐Ah‐choo! ‐Uh, Padre, pass this along to Pierce.

Certainly, Colonel. I think Pierce could use that.

Pass it to Pierce.

No, I don't need it. I'm fine.

He doesn't need it.

Ah‐choo!

Padre, about‐face that linen.

Pierce, when it comes to you, both you and your nose blow.

No need to make those sniffles community property.

I don't need it. I don't have a cold.

Ah‐choo!

Pierce, if the sneeze fits‐‐

I'm all right. Will you take the word of a doctor?

He doesn't have a fever.

So maybe I'm allergic to Charles.

Stuffiness makes me sneeze.

Pierce, it could be an allergy.

Go take a shower.

You might wash off whatever's eating you,

and the steam can't hurt your hooter.

You need an asafetida bag.

Asa what?

Asafetida bag.

You take a clove of garlic, hang it around your neck,

and let the fumes do the rest. (inhales)

It also keeps away vampires.

I'm a human being, not a salami.

Ignore him. What you need is some eucalyptus.

Eucalyptus?

You must mean camphorated oil.

Arsenic will solve your problems, Pierce.

I know it would solve mine.

Will you people keep your business out of my nose?

Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

Pierce, I know it ain't your fault,

but your nose is getting in everybody's way.

I'm taking you out of the game.

I'm sending you to the showers.

‐Now wait a minute. ‐You're outta here!

You'll be needing some fresh towels. I'll get them, sir.

Mighty thoughtful of you, lad.

I just want you to know

the only reason I'm taking this shower

is that today happens to be the second Tuesday of the month.

Didn't your mother ever teach you to knock

before entering a strange man's shower?

You would berate the man

who holds your cure in the palm of his hand?

I bring camphorated oil.

Oh, just what the doctor didn't order.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm not sneezing.

‐Well‐‐ ‐Hello, all.

Hawkeye, Major Houlihan asked me

to give you this essence of eucalyptus

‐for your sneezing. ‐What's the matter?

Isn't she man enough to bring it in herself?

Will you people leave me alone?

Make sure he uses all of it!

‐He's using camphorated oil! ‐That stuff stinks!

Essence of eucalyptus doesn't exactly smell like roses.

In case you haven't noticed,

and you haven't,

I'm not sneezing.

Ah, Pierce. Just stopped by to see how goes the nose.

Oh, good, we have a quorum.

In that case, I'd like to make a motion

this shower be adjourned.

Pierce, you're not sneezing.

The devil, you say.

I told you all your nose needed

was a good steam‐cleaning.

Colonel, you're absolutely right.

Now if you people would get outta here,

it's time for my rinse cycle.

What'd I tell ya? Hot showers for a cold,

cold showers for the hots.

That's a new one on me.

Anything would be better than this stuff.

Ahh...

Ah‐choo! Ah‐choo!

This is Corporal Brooks.

Leg wound and shattered patella.

He had lice, so we had to use sulfur powder.

You're lucky, son. In my day,

we used to get rubbed down with lanolin.

Took care of the lice,

but your skivvies kept sliding off.

Hello. Sorry I'm late for the tour.

I left my camera back at the hotel.

Uh, the major's filling me in on our new arrivals.

I hope you're here as a doctor, not a patient.

No, I'm fine. This is the calm after the storm.

All right, Major, who's next?

This is Private Caputo.

Fractured wrist and prolonged exposure.

‐Came in soaking wet. ‐We're watching him for signs of pneumonia.

An ounce of prevention, I always say.

That's why I tell Mildred

to keep snow tires on the Hudson year‐round.

Private Magnuson. Shrapnel.

Oh, I see we're using neomycin ointment on him.

He's allergic to tetracycline.

Dr. Hunnicutt thought it would be a good idea to try it.

Pierce, let's keep an eye on this fella.

If neomycin is as good as its press releases,

it could be a full‐time weapon in our arsenal.

Right.

Margaret, thanks for filling me in.

Next time I sleep through an O. R. session,

I'll do it a mite easier.

Thank you, sir.

Sulfur powder, neomycin.

‐We've sure come a long way. ‐Yeah.

I remember when penicillin was just last week's bread.

‐Adios, Pierce. ‐So long, Colonel.

‐Ah‐choo! ‐All right, Pierce.

Unless that was one of the seven dwarfs,

I'm declaring you off‐limits.

Oh, come on. That wasn't a sneeze. It was an aftershock.

Whatever it was, I don't want you spreading it around here.

I'm sure it's not contagious. It's just an allergy.

Oh, you're sure, are you?

Would you care to tell me what method you used

to arrive at that diagnosis?

I just know. I can tell.

Ah, the old surefire "I can tell" method.

Spoken like a true patient.

We doctors like to do things a little more scientifically:

chest X‐ray, a simple sed rate.

No, come on. Believe me.

No, wait, look, Colonel. It's not necessary.

Humor an old man, Pierce.

Spent seven years in med school.

Doctoring's been my life. I'd hate to think I wasted it.

Well, all those tests could take till tomorrow.

Don't worry, Pierce. Your job will still be waiting for you when you get back.

But until we know that you're not contagious, you're physician non grata.

Oh, great.

‐(humming) ‐I don't believe this.

I've been plucked and probed,

nooked and crannied, and for what?

So Potter could tell me what I knew.

I'm not contagious. I'm allergic to something.

So what are you upset about? Now you can go back to post‐op.

No, now he thinks I may be allergic to some of the patients in there.

Ah‐choo!

I bet it's something in here. Something small.

Then it's certainly not Charles' ego.

Aha! Or Hunnicutt's feet.

Something new.

Something that's never been in here before.

Ah‐choo!

My laundry. I touch it, and I get sick.

‐Of course, it's clean. ‐No, I just got this back yesterday.

They're probably using some new kind of soap. That's probably it.

Bye‐bye, shorts.

Ah‐choo!