Two and a Half Men

Thank you for transporting me home.

You're a terrific cab driver

and I hope someday to visit your country.

Damn, where is that key?

Here, key-key-key-key- key-key-key-key.

key-key-key-key.

Aha!

Hello, key.

Oh, no...

wrong house.

I'm lost!

Hello?

Hi, Alan. Come on in.

Um, why don't you come in here?

I can't. I lost my key.

Dah!

Had a few cocktails, did we?

Me, too.

Listen, I need to ask you a favor.

Your needs, your needs.

What about my needs?

Are you capable of having a conversation?

Capable?

I just spent 20 minutes discussing open-toed shoes

with a fat man from Rangoon.

He's a Rangooni.

We'll talk in the morning.

I wouldn't count on it.

Go ahead. You talk, I'll cook.

It's 11:30. What are you cooking?

Good question.

And I can give you the answer in two words:

my famous homemade chili.

Since when do you make chili?

There's a lot you don't know about me, Alan.

I am man of many layers.

Strata, if you will.

I see.

A thin crust, magma

and a chewy nougat center.

Okay, uh, anyway, tomorrow I have to go to the DMV

to get my license renewed.

Ah, cars.

Where would we be without cars?

And how do we get there?

Run, run, you're free!

Well, listen, the thing is I can't take Jake

because he's got a book report to do.

I love Jake.

Well, that's good, but will you help him with his report?

I would like nothing better.

You want chili?

Uh, no, no, I'm good.

But just so we're clear, you'll help Jake?

I love Jake.

Charlie, it's very important that...

Relax, I'll take Jake to the DMV to get his license.

Book report.

Beans.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

Oh, no!

Charlie's Blackout Chili.

It's delicious.

No argument there.

Why is it called "Blackout Chili"?

Well, sweetheart,

sometimes when people drink,

the do things they wouldn't normally do.

Me, I like to walk into a biker bar and take a swing

at the biggest chick there.

Your Uncle Charlie, on the other hand, makes chili.

But what's the blackout part?

Ah, geez, Jake, how many times

have I told you not to crap up my kitchen?

I'm not the one who...

Oh.

Still, it beats waking up

to find pool chalk between your fanny cheeks.

Where's your father?

He went to the DMV.

He said you promised to help me with my book report.

Really? That doesn't sound like me.

I didn't think so either, but that's what he said.

When's it due? Monday.

Okay. Today's Saturday?

Yeah.

We got plenty of time.

Yeah, but my dad always says if I do my work early,

then I have the rest of the weekend to have fun.

That makes no sense whatsoever.

That's what I said.

Let me ask you something.

Do you want to do it now?

No. Then trust your instincts.

Here's what you do.

You go out and have a good time,

let the report percolate in your subconscious.

Then,

as the deadline approaches and that flop-sweat panic hits,

those pages will come shooting out of you

like a lunch from a supermodel.

Well, I do like to percolate.

That a boy.

What are you doing today?

Well, I've got to write a new jingle

for a big credit card company

and they're expecting it on Monday, so...

I'm going to the track.

* Men.

WOMAN (over P.A.): Now serving number 38 at window "D."

I got 42.

I made an appointment.

Good for you.

What's your number?

I'm 97.

Ooh. Ouch.

You're gonna be here forever.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, you know what?

I'm probably not even going to need this Power Bar.

You want it?

Thanks.

You're very kind.

Next time, plan ahead.

Will do.

Got to know how to work the system.

Again...

thanks.

Okay, I'm leaving.

Bye.

If you need anything, ask Berta.

Okay.

She won't give it to you, but she enjoys being asked.

Turn that off.

You're coming with me.

Really? To the track?

It's got to be better for you than TV.

Are we gonna gamble?

No, suckers gamble.

We're gonna analyze statistics

with proven scientific principles

and make wagers based on the result of data.

I think I'd rather watch TV.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

WOMAN (over P.A.): Now serving number 39 at window "A."

It appears my time on your planet is almost over.

Excuse me. Are you done with your paper?

Oh, sure. Here.

Thank you.

I didn't even have a chance to finish the jumble.

Well, I'll have time. Ooh.

Hey, 97, that ought to lift your spirits.

I'm ebullient.

I feel like such an idiot.

I didn't even know you could make an appointment.

Well, most people don't.

Am I right?

Lena.

Oh, uh, I'm-I'm Alan.

Ooh, you have a firm handshake, Alan.

I like that in a man.

Well, I'm a, I'm a chiropractor and my hands are my instruments.

And I also carry a little squishy ball in my pocket

to head off carpal tunnel.

Ooh.

How much can I bet?

How much did you bring?

I have to use my own money?

Boy, you really are your father's son, aren't you?

Okay.

I have $14.

That's not gonna get you very far.

Um, oh, and I have a $50 gift certificate to Pizza Hut.

Want to buy it?

Sure. I'll give you 25 bucks.

But it's worth $50.

To who?

To Pizza Hut.

Well, so let the good folks at Pizza Hut

place a bet for you.

You're just trying to rip me off.

Yeah. I've been staying up nights

trying to figure out how

Now, listen and learn.

In any financial transaction

there is one question

both parties have to ask themselves.

We're going to a party?

Will you shut up and listen?

I thought we were going to the track?

I swear to God,

I'm going to throw you out of this car.

Now, as I was saying,

the question is what leverage do I have in this transaction?

The answer for you is "none."

What's leverage?

Oh, boy.

All right, a lever is how you move things.

Leverage is how you move people.