American Housewife

We leave first thing in the morning,

be at Ed's cabin by noon,

and immediately start chopping wood for the fire.

I'm bringing my axe.

Good. Now I won't have to find a sharp rock to kill myself with.

Don't be negative, Oliver.

Us living off the land, no electricity.

It'll be fun, Dad.

It'll just be like when you broke gender barriers

to be the first male Den Mother.

Remember how I turned my skirt into capris?

It was pretty awesome. I was a real trailblazer.

They called me a modern-day FDR.

You mean you called yourself that, and no one stopped you.

Fair enough.

Don't most people go camping in the summer?

Yeah, but Ed makes you pay for the cabin in the summer.

But this is gonna be great.

Anna-Kat's finally old enough to camp with us,

and you might just like it.

It's not too late to follow in the Otto family tradition.

Some families are soldiers, some cops.

We're scouts.

Eagle Scouts.

Well, I've been dying to wear a red kerchief

around my neck and have no friends.

Son, men have died for the right to wear that kerchief.

No, they haven't.

I don't have time for off-season family bonding.

I have a business to run.

Your mom and I don't like you selling knockoff polo shirts

to kids in Norwalk.

They're not knockoffs.

They're shirts with defective logos

that I improve and re-sell.

Isn't that the exact definition of knockoff?

I'm providing a service.

Those Norwalk kids are just happy they can get

an expensive shirt for 40 bucks

so they can have a fancy night out at Dairy Queen.

I brought you pillows.

We don't need no stinkin' pillows!

We'll make our own.

Pine needles in a sweatshirt.

That sounds so fun.

Ugh! I wish I could go.

But Angela needs me.

It's the one-year anniversary of her breakup with Celeste.

I totally get it.

You need to be there for your friend.

But I hate the thought of you guys being on an adventure without me.

Hey. Can I bring my new fish?

Uh, I don't think camping will be good for it.

Yeah, it will die in two days instead of its normal life span of four days.

- Oliver. - I'm not the one who bought

a death-obsessed 7-year-old a pet with a high mortality rate.

He's got a good point.

You know, I'm going to go to Second Breakfast

and try to get out of it.

I really want to come with you guys.

He actually thinks that I want to go.

Am I that good, or is he that dumb?

Should I feel bad that I don't feel bad

about blowing off the family camping trip?

No. You'd hate it, complain the whole time,

and ruin it for Greg.

Besides, your whole life is camping.

You have suffered enough.

Your stove only has four burners,

there's weird pockets of sand everywhere in your house,

and no one can drop one in your downstairs bathroom.

Get that fixed. It's awkward.

When I go upstairs, everyone knows what I'm doing.

I love you guys.

You always make me feel so right about doing the wrong thing.

You shouldn't be expected

to share all of your husband's interests.

I know. I got pregnant with Anna-Kat

specifically to avoid Greg's camping trips.

It bought me six years.

But this year, Angela's divorce got you out of it,

and I booked us a three-bedroom suite at the Velvet Zen Spa.

Thank you so much for cheating on your wife

and ruining your marriage.

It was a pleasure.

It really was.

I wish I could go up with you guys tonight,

but the least I can do is help them

get out the door tomorrow morning.

Where are we going?

- Ooh. - That chair's for our purses.

You're so funny.

Hey, guess what happened to me yesterday.

I was getting my lashes put on, and Alan bursts in the room

with a bouquet of peonies for no reason

other than that he loves me.

Hashtag "Lucky."

Hashtag "How long are you staying?"

Well, now that I've spent Thanksgiving

and Christmas at Katie's,

I thought maybe I could join your little Second Breakfast Club.

Wow.

Well, you don't eat first breakfast, so...

You see how that wouldn't work?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Hazing.

You guys are all hazing me before you let me in.

- I love it. - She loves it.

Ooh, that's a lot of carbs.

Bye!

Oh, my God, she is unbelievable.

I know. I can't stand how fake she is.

Right.

Now you go home and mislead the ones you love.

You would think that would make me feel guilty,

but I flipped off that switch years ago.

Let's get you guys on the road.

- You owe me money. - Luz, I'm not exactly liquid right now.

I took our profits and re-invested in more shirts.

You didn't ask me.

Luz, as soon as I get back into town, I promise...

You're skipping town on me?

No, I'm going camping.

- You're going camping? - I am.

Mom, tell her I'm going camping.

No, this isn't too much wine.

We're not going camping.

- Knew it. - What?

Luz, do you think we should get a cat?

I'm kind of wanting one again.

Coming, Miss Viv!

I want my money.

Luz!

Why would you say that?

Because we're not going camping.

It snowed all night, and I checked online,

all the roads are closed.

No!

It was supposed to be a dusting.

They said it was a dusting.

I was really looking forward to this.

And this is the only weekend that we could get Ed's cabin.

We were gonna ice fish for hours

and catch nothing...

but memories.

- Damn. - I know.

- The power's out. - You got to be kidding me!

Wait.

This is great.

It is?

You know what? One of us has been using

the word "great" wrong our whole life.

No, don't you see? We can do our camping trip

right here in our living room.

It's just like Ed's cabin, but instead of having

a dead moose head on the wall, we got Mom!

It's all coming together.

Everybody wins.

Kill me.

Okay, let's move the couches so I can create a base camp.

It was supposed to be a dusting.

We've got three feet of snow.

I'm stuck here, and Greg is forcing me

to make memories I don't want to make.

Well, if it helps you feel better, we're snowed in here, too.

You're snowed in getting massages.

Oh, yeah.

Right there.

Is that champagne?

This is the meanest FaceTime ever.

Hey, Katie, come on.

I'm teaching the kids how to make lanterns out of water jugs.

Coming, honey.

So excited.

If I'm dead tomorrow, Greg did it.

But I drove him to it.

You don't know when our house is going to get its power back?

That's not an acceptable answer.

No, I don't want to talk to your supervisor.

I want to talk to the guy below you who's about to get your job.

My fish is cold.

Don't worry, sweetie.

I'm starting a fire utilizing nothing but steel wool,

a nine-volt battery, and a small pile of cheese puffs.

Why don't you just use one of those long matches?

'Cause you married an Eagle Scout, baby.

Come be amazed.

That's fantastic.

Hope the power never comes back on.

Why are Viv's lights on?

She clearly has a generator.

The lesson here is marry money, people.

That is not the lesson, people.

We actually have it better than she does.

She's not learning how to start a fire

or build a shelter or make her urine more drinkable.

Now, who wants to tie some knots?

Did he just say we're drinking our own urine?

My fish is starting to shiver.

I have an idea.