Last Man Standing

Damn.

Look at Mrs. Larabee, back on the market, living the single life in L.A.

Give me my phone.

Gi... Give... Give me ...Give me the phone.

Carol is not back on the market.

She took a new job and Chuck couldn't go with her.

Look, she's sitting behind a desk.

How does that say she's living the single life?

Top button unbuttoned.

Open for business.

Hmm.

The Larabees living in different states.

This could either bring them together or rip them apart.

Finally, this neighborhood is getting interesting.

Well, I'm glad you're happy.

I lost a good friend.

Oh, so go get a new one. Oh, go on Facebook.

Your crowd has ruined it for everybody else anyway.

You know, it's not that easy for me to meet new people.

I always made friends at mom's groups or... or at my work.

Well, what about the Susan woman you met at the block party?

I believe I saw some sparks between you two crazy kids.

Yeah.

We had coffee a couple times,

but then we went to a mall and she stole a dress.

I mean, it wasn't even her size.

Hey, Vanessa. Hey.

Thanks for letting me borrow the food processor to make nut butter.

I brought you some... from Whole Foods.

Turns out I stink at making nut butter.

Whole Foods. Mom, you should go there.

That place is crawling with ladies your age looking for ranal tuhoflash cures.

I'm going to stay alive a long time just so I can see you get old.

You know, if you're looking to meet new people, I've met some ptty cool ones

through the lending library in my neighborhood.

By definition, there are no cool people at libraries.

Hey, I've spent a lot of time in libraries.

Well, I stand corrected.

No, it's not an actual library.

It's a little wooden hutch on a post

that you put in your front yard to attract readers. Mm. Yeah.

It's like a bird feeder for nerds.

A nerd feeder.

I was worried about making new friends in my neighborhood

until one day, this guy walked by, and he picked up a copy

of Stephen Jay Gould's "Punctuated Equilibrium."

And I was like, "Hell, yeah, dude."

You took all the coffee.

Why don't you just drink it right out of the pot?

That would look silly.

Mmm.

This is how the French drink coffee.

Yeah. The French.

They're the ones we should be banning.

Hey, there are the guys I want to see.

Hey. Hi.

Hi, honey. Brought you lunch. There you go.

Oh, my goodness. Hi, sweetie.

How are you? Good.

Bringing us lunch? Yeah.

We're not kids. What do you got?!

Oh, hey.

Salad. Want to trade?

Damn it! I got a salad, too.

There's pudding, too... Ooh.

...but not until you have three bites of your salad first.

Okay.

Well, thank you very much for the lunch, Vanessa.

Well, with Carol away, I just want to make sure you're eating well.

He's doing great.

I just saw him have, what, six doughnuts and, what, a bowl of coffee?

No.

How are you holding up, Chuck?

Are you okay? You feeling all right?

Is everything okay?

How are you... I'm... I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Okay. Carol's not dead.

I know. We're not getting a divorce.

She just moved to L.A. for this job opportunity.

That's all.

He's doing more than fine.

He's got the house to himself.

He could eat lasagna on the couch in his underwear.

Carol and I are used to being apart.

I-I'm a Marine.

I've had to go out of town over the years on business trips

or, as you civilians call them, wars.

You know, Chuck, it's okay to miss your wife.

Leave him alone. Chuck doesn't have any feelings.

That's why we get along.

We would be even better friends if you would trade puddings with me.

I didn't make America safe for butterscotch.

Love you. Enjoy your lunch.

See you.

Why do they even make butterscotch?

Let it go.

Oh, great. Is it "wabbit" season again?

No, i-it's supposed to be a trumpet.

And... And the reason there's a trumpet

is that this week marks your 500th vlog.

And this is the party... two guys and a duck call?

Well, I... Don't you want to know who the finalists are?

Finalists for what?

The "Meet Outdoor Man" essay contest...

...where the winner gets to sit in on your 500th vlog.

I thought I killed this idea.

No, no, no, no, no.

Y-You said, "I'd... I'd rather not do it,"

I said, "I'd rather you did," and here we are!

Kyle, go ahead.

No, no, no, no, no.

My vlogs are not some cheap promotional gimmick.

They're well-written and enjoyed by millions of people.

I don't know the exact number, but I know it's more than Obama had.

As long as it sells the tents and jerkies.

Kyle, you're on. Go ahead.

Uh, "If more people listened to Mike Baxter,

the whole world would be a lot better off."

Hmm? I could meet him.

Or... Go ahead.

..."Mike Baxter doesn't just sell fishing poles.

He sells a way of life."

Or him.

All right.

"Is Mike Baxter Outdoor Man or Superman?"

Well, they... they all make great points.

All right, you know?

You win.

You pick one, and I'll meet him.

All right, you heard the man.

Pick him. He'll meet him.

Right, right, right.

All right, Kyle, play me out. Oh.

Hey. All fixed.

You know, it does feel good working on a house.

Now I know why Jimmy Carter does it.

It's a habitat for the humanities.

So, how's the book swap going?

Well, I have been getting some traffic,

but no one has taken any of my favorite books.

I was hoping there would be at least one person in the neighborhood

with the same interests as me.

Wow.

"Jane Eyre"?

I did a book report on this in high school that was so good,

Mandy got an "A" on it, too.

That's the first one I put in there.

It's my favorite book.

I guess I shouldn't say that in front of "Wuthering Heights."

Yeah, you also shouldn't say that in front of other people.

Oh, hey, Mom, it looks like somebody already borrowed this one.

There's... There's a note inside.

"I, too, love the sisters Bronte.

It's nice to find a kindred spirit in the neighborhood."

Hmm.

"What tale do you best like to hear?"

That's a quote from "Jane Eyre."

This is so cute.

Y-You have to leave a note for her.

No, I can't. I can't. I... Why not?

Mom, Mom, somewhere out there, you have a friend.

No, I can't. I can't.

I-I-I need new stationery

and... and a fountain pen and, uh, lavender spray.

Uh, no. Uh, no. Tangerine.

No, first thought... lavender.

Oh, God. Trust yourself, Vanessa!

Wow.

Whoever left these notes really loves the Bronte sisters.

It's so sad to think they're all dead now.

Wasn't Zsa Zsa the last to go?

Yeah, I'm just so excited that there's someone out there

that I can talk 19th-century British literature with.

Ugh.

It's like finding a needle in a really boring haystack.

Why haven't you gotten together with her?

I'm working on it. I-I don't want to rush it.

You know, in the 19th century, people would correspond

for years before they would ever meet.

And then when the time came, they were dead.

Every few days, I'll send a new note revealing a little bit more about myself,

slowly inching us down the road toward friendship.

Or I could smoke her out by Wednesday.

You know, Eve's plan doesn't sound so bad, Mom.

You've got to be wondering who she is.

Oh, I know who she is.

No, she's a professional woman, elegant but friendly,

fashionable but not trying too hard, in her 50s, looks 40s,

but... a guy at the post office once said 38.

Yeah.

When she was 38.

Mom, Mom, just... just let me handle this, okay?

I've got nets, night-vision goggles... and if she's a runner... a dart gun.

My plan will work.

A good friendship just takes time.

It also usually involves knowing the person's name.

You think people just run around telling each other their names?

Well, I have seen it done.

I know what I'm doing.

I know how to make friends.