The Marriage Ref - First Season

Tonight on the Marriage Ref...

Oscar winning actress... Hi.

Gwyneth Paltrow.

Who was Brad Pitt's girlfriend in 1999?

It wasn't me.

Our very own man-about-town, Jerry Seinfeld.

I would love to see my wife wearing this.

The only thing that makes him seem gay is

"I'd like to see you in this."

And from last comic standing,

Wild card Greg Giraldo.

What's it gonna take to get you back in bed?

A miracle.

Maybe he should start banging other broads.

Now we're talkin'. Oh, yeah.

Up high, man. Right?

It's snow white with doc and grumpy.

But this fairytale has knives, drugs, and money.

Everybody's so happy.

All we do is just look into each other's eyes

As we burn piles of money.

We gotta get more people on this show

In the middle of ugly divorces.

It's getting a little personal, but yes.

Ah!

I'll sleep in bed with you.

Now here's the marriage ref

Tom Papa!

Hi, welcome to the marriage ref.

I'm Tom Papa.

Here's what we have tonight.

Snoring, cell phones, bad dressing,

And a husband who wants to throw knives at his wife.

Ah, romance.

All right, panel, thank you for being here.

Welcome to the show. So let's get started.

Let's skateboard through the San Fernando valley

And kickflip it to laid-back Agoura hills, California,

Where we meet the Monroys.

Jonny wants to complain to his wife Emily,

But just can't seem to get her on the phone.

My mom actually used to babysit him.

- My babysitter. - That's kinda weird.

- I was like, 18--18 or 19 when we ran into each other again.

I was like this is a girl I can marry.

And the rest is history.

oh, my gosh.

Pick your phone up. Just pick it up.

Why don't you pick up your phone?

Give me one good reason why.

Because I was doing laundry.

No. Or how about this?

I'll even take this,

If you answered it one time out of ten times I call.

For me, when I see "ten missed calls Jonny husband,"

That just equals one missed call

Because that's, like, automatic for you.

You don't just call once, you call ten times.

Point is that you should pick up your phone call,

I'm obviously calling for a reason.

But I don't think that you are.

'cause when you leave

And then, like, ten minutes later you call me,

I don't understand why you need to talk to me.

As it may be a shock to you,

Sometimes a husband needs to ask his wife things.

And I call you on the phone, and I--that's--

That's part of life, I'm gonna call you.

What happened, like, 20 years ago?

Did wives have frickin' cell phones

Every 30 seconds going off? No.

Did everyone survive? Yes.

So my wife sends me to the market

To get some type of mild cheddar cheese,

And then I go to the market

And there's 20 different types of mild cheddar cheese.

Are there really 20 different types of mild cheddar cheese?

- Maybe seven. - Like, really?

- Well, seven. - Really?

So I'm guessing one of the seven I'm gonna bring home

The wrong cheese. Really, if you bring home

Any mild cheddar cheese that I tell you to--

- Then I'm gonna get yelled at for bringing home

The wrong cheese.

I don't wanna be talking to people all day long.

I'm doing kids and house stuff all day long.

The last thing I wanna do is take my cell phone,

And keep it in my pocket, and go, "oh, someone might call."

What am I supposed to do?

What if I got in a car wreck?

What if I was...? If you got in a car wreck,

Someone would be at my front door.

- Oh, that's where you're-- you're--that--

You just hope someone's gonna show up at your front door

And say, "hey-- - Well, no, of course

I don't hope that, but that's what would happen.

So you're telling me if I was on

Who wants to be a millionaire,

I had one call and you knew the answer,

Like, "who was Brad Pitt's girlfriend in 1999?"

You would know, and I'd call you,

And you wouldn't pick the phone up,

And I'd lose a million dollars all on account of you.

So the issue here is do you have

To be on-call 24-7 for your spouse?

Gwyneth, if you called, I'd pick up.

- Thanks, Tom. - You're welcome.

Did he just ask as a question, as a "hypothetical"

Who was Brad Pitt's girlfriend in 1999?

Wasn't that you? It wasn't me, it wasn't me.

1994, baby.

Ah, the good years.

- This guy--it's interesting that he's taking

The very unusual step of stalking his wife

While they're still happily married.

- Well, what do you-- when you're working,

And your husband's on the road,

And you're apart, how many calls a day?

I mean, it's nice to keep in touch.

And I like to talk to him, and hear how his day was,

And vice versa. But I don't call him 50 times.

- So you--would you go, like, three days?

- Three days would be long. - No.

Three days is crazy. I think three days is long.

Wait, are you trying to find an angle?

Trying to find an opening?

No, Greg.

I actually find it quite aggressive

That she doesn't pick up the phone.

But he's an overcaller, that's the problem.

She's trying to wean him off of the overcalling.

Yes, but you don't solve it by not picking up the phone.

He just calls 82 more times.

Yeah, he'll go crazy. Just pick up the phone.

You're Batman and Robin.

When Batman calls you don't go,

"oh, it's probably nothing."

Listen, we perform on the road a lot together,

There are always times when someone's got their cell phone,

Has to kinda wander off and put the call in.

And that's why our marriages are not on this show.

You have an overcaller.

He's a--just get the cheese.

Whatever the cheese, just get it.

- Yeah, he's definitely-- - There are no--

There aren't 20 kinds of sharp cheddar cheese.

Just get the cheese. Here's the problem.

She wants him to be a man.

I'm sending you to get the cheese,

Get the damn cheese!

Yeah.

Well, in his defense though,

Wouldn't you feel a little vulnerable

If you were listed as "Jonny husband"?

Yeah.

- Yeah, that's what I'm saying. - As opposed to who?

- Yeah. - Jonny boyfriend?

- That is a problem. - Jonny who I'd like to call.

Jonny, jonny, jonny. Who is jonny?

Jonny husb-- oh, I missed the call.

There's, like, a bigger issue happening here, I think.

I think you're right. Tell me what it is.

Well, I just think that, you know,

He's putting himself in the position where he's needy,

And it's turning her off.

- Yeah. - Right.

- But-- - So someone has to change

The dance here, you know what I mean?

Either she has to pick up the phone,

Or he has to stop calling.

- Right. - Maybe if he stopped calling

Then she'll be like, "hmm, where's jonny husband?

"why hasn't he called me today?

"what's he up to?

"this is interesting, it's been two hours

"since jonny husband called me.

It doesn't take that long to buy cheese, where is he?"

And then, maybe, you know, he would come home.

- It is a little passive-aggressive

To just not pick up. She knows he's calling.

Or she could at least, like, kinda not pick up

But send some sort of response.

You know, "can't talk, kid fell in a well,

Ha ha ha." you know?

And then--then later go, "j/k, lol, ha ha ha."

Natalie, do they text each other?

He texts, she doesn't answer.

- Okay, there is a problem here. - The problem is--

- She's toying with him like a cat with a mouse.

She is really toying with him.

- She's smarter-- - He's intimidated.

She's attractive. She looks like Shelley Duvall.

Look.

That's crazy.

I know where this is headed.

He's gonna be in the next room

With his cell phone and Axe.

"here's jonny husband."

"you want some cheese?

I got you a whole bunch of cheese."