French Dirty

Thinking back over the last year, I realize,

the moment I met Roma is when it all started to change.

Un...

Deux...

Troi...

Quatre...

Cinq...

Six...

Sept...

Huit...

Neuf...

Dix.

This is me.

1988, three years old, before things got complicated.

This is my best friend Steve.

We still have sleepovers.

These are my parents.

I was the ring bearer at their wedding,

which I guess makes me a bastard.

For so long they were... so in love.

It was just their friends and me.

Eventually, a little sister and... it was perfect.

And then, I don't know,

life, time, age, bills, routine,

I guess life always finds a way to complicate itself,

if you let it.

And it did.

One house turned into two...

And that's when I became a latchkey kid.

Just always had a key and a shoelace around my neck.

My mom thought that if I had my own key,

I would feel more like a grown up,

but I don't know if I ever did.

How are we going to do this?

I think we have to tell Steve today.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Hey, guys, you've reached Steve.

I'm out of town and away from the phone this weekend,

but can check on my messages so leave one.

Steve-O, what up. It's me, man.

Um. Hope you got back in town all right?

You're probably at work now, um...

Listen, I want to talk to you about something.

So, let's meet at St. Nick's tonight, seven?

Call you later, dude, peace.

Directly at me.

Can we focus, please?

That hurt... that hurt you?

- You went straight... - I know. It was kind of hard.

Yeah, that one hurt.

Look, no, but seriously, we have to focus for a second, okay?

'cause this is really... this is important.

What we do can affect the temperature of the whole place,

all these people are counting on us. They need to know...

Okay, all the people are counting on us.

All of them. They need to know.

So like, what order, we're figuring out, there's a science to this.

Whoa, whoa...

You can't just go pressing it, either.

Let's make sure we're on the same page here,

you know what I mean?

- Okay. - Okay, good.

Look at these album covers right here.

Simon & Garfunkel, this dude's directly behind him.

- And he's like... - Seriously.

-He's like eating... -It's like, if I were standing in front of you...

Cougar, that's a strange position to be in, for a cover.

But that's fine, we'll give that one to him.

Let's see. That is perfect.

This is like...

- You kind of look like him. - Yeah?

You know Joe Cocker?

Yes, of course, he's the only one to cover a Beatles song

and do it better.

And, you know, some things you don't touch.

Some things are just off limits,

but he went there and he did it to perfection.

He did it better. Mmm-hmm.

I'm impressed, I'm impressed. I just want to say that.

- - No. You just pressed it.

We didn't even have a dialog about it.

- Ooo... - Now you're...

["Notre bloc" by Les Fées de Paris playing]

Whoo!

Hey, baby.

- Whoo! -

So beautiful.

Getting wild tonight, boy?

Yeah, milady.

Slow down! Slow down!

- Come here. Threesome. - Hey, man.

- No... - Whoo!

Where's my drink?

It's right there.

Yeah!

I missed you.

I missed you!

Excusez moi, excusez moi.

Sorry, I don't speak it.

No, pardon, uh, I'm looking for...

Coeur esprit.

- Yeah, I don't... - Yes, uh, no.

Melrose Avenue, Hearts and Spirits.

Melrose, yeah. If you just keep on going that way

and then you make a right, and then another left

and you'll find it.

-Okay? -Okay, yeah. And can I feet?

Can you what?

Can I feet?

Yeah, see, I'm not...

I'm joking. Can I walk there, with my foot, by feet?

With your foot by feet.

Yeah.

Come on, I'll feet you.

Yeah?

I'll... yeah.

Nice, thank you.

These maps.

It's a big city, LA, huh?

I like the weather here.

I mean, it's pretty smoggy here.

Huh?

Smoggy, like, you know?

- Don't do that. Yeah. - Can't breathe.

Hmm.

Do you know, um... Do you know a joke?

Joke? No. I'm not really funny, you know?

Well, I have one joke. Want to hear my joke? Okay.

It's...

A couple in bed, they wake up, it's in the morning,

the man, he wants to have sex, he's like...

And the girl is like, "Oh, no, I cannot today

'cause I'm seeing the lady doctor, the genecologist."

The gynecologist, yeah?

Yeah, genecologist and...

And she said I don't want, you know, her to see...

It's disgusting.

So, the man is sad, 'cause he really want to have sex.

And then he said to her, "Yes, but are you seeing the dentist today?"

- That's funny. - That's funny.

You got a boyfriend?

Yes, I do.

We've been together, like, two years,

and, uh, yeah.

You love him?

- Of course, I do. Yes. -

He's perfect, you know.

I mean, you know, for me.

Anything.

Hey, I'm sorry, I just gotta...

Sure.

Hello?

Hey, Ma.

No, I'm kind of in the middle of something right now.

Cookies?

I see you all the time, you know.

Yeah, okay. Bye.

- Hey. - Hey.

I heard cookies.

Yeah, my mom she wants me to bring her cookies. Um...

But look, Melrose is just right over there.

I'm sorry I have to run, it was really nice meeting you.

I would love to meet your mom.

I'd love to eat cookies with you guys.

Uh, no.

Come on, don't be a mud in sticks.

Wait for me here.

Just a second and I'll be back.

I'll run, back and forth.

He's going to see us.

Jess, Jess, come here, come here, come here

Come here, come here, quick!

Guys, this is beautiful up here.

-I'm really glad we... got away, ya know? -

Sucks.

Twirl.

- Twirl. - Thank you.

Thanks for... leaving me here, it's great.

I got you, yeah, whoo!

You're just going to leave me?

Bye.

That's cool. Let's go get in the jacuzzi.

It's a little warm but it'll still be nice, bubbles.

Let's go.

Stay sharp, baby.

Baby, stay sharp.

Movie.

Heart.

Big heart.

- Love. - Yes.

Love.

Wristwatch?

Time, time, love, time.

Love in the Time of Cholera! Got it!

- She got cholera! - That was unbelievable!

You're absolutely... They're cheating! That was cheating!

We'll show you how it's really done.

- Oh, really? I'm going to show you -how it's really done.

That's what you're gonna do?

I'm absolutely gonna show you how it's done.