Hidden Love (L'amore nascosto)

The last time I didn't take enough.

And the time before, I out my veins with Luc's razor.

'Hidden Love'

No one loves me, no money, no job, no lovers,

I want nothing and hope for nothing.

I'm Sophie's mother.

Danielle?

I'm Doctor Nielsen.

Remember me'?

I'm here to help you.

Can you hear me'?

Don't be afraid of your voice

Not talking doesn't mean not existing.

It's like existing disarmed,

with no shape, no power.

You're angry, but you're alive.

Try to say a word,

any word.

Words create the World.

Words destroy it,

they're the only thing that could really annihilate it.

You can invent them, if you want.

Invent them, if you are able to.

Use them as you wish

It isn't necessary to have a new page every time,

but do as you wish

The important thing is to write Whatever comes to mind,

to keep talking about yourself.

It's really important, you understand, don't you'?

I want to help you

At that moment she was just the pain

that had torn my body.

I just wanted an injection so I could sleep.

Doctor, do you think this reaction

is that of a heartless, unnatural mother?

You who've studied the human brain

tell me, why, after giving birth like a dog's bitch,

the human female can't get rid of her child,

if it disturbs her

or even devour it?"

Sophie has small eyes,

a low forehead, knitted brows,

flat cheeks, and teeth so White they seem fake.

I never thought she was pretty, even when she was a child.

It's nothing...

- I need to sit. - Want to sit down?

Please...

Put your feet in the stirrups.

- What are you doing'? - I'm going to examine you.

- I can't breathe. - Lift your head.

Breathe and push.

Yes, that's good.

Don't worry, the baby's fine.

Another contraction?

Isn't a C-section better? I'm suffering too much.

No, you're doing okay.

Is another contraction coming'?

We're almost there.

All of a sudden my belly was emptied

like a washstand that's been un-clogged.

It's a beautiful girl.

How did you feel when you saw your daughter?

Indifference, embarrassment,

I couldn't have cared less that she was my daughter.

The grandparents' happiness, my husband in ecstasy...

It took my focus away from those first moments

and this was fatal for Sophie and me.

I couldn't share their enthusiasm.

The acceptance of my maternity

was immediately tainted by a sense of guilt

that was never to leave me.

Look!

I always felt guilty,

when she didn't sleep, when she didn't eat,

when she had a stomach ache,

when she skinned her knee,

when she got sick, when she fell out of bed.

And it happened often because I Wasn't a careful mother.

To make amends, I quit my job

and heaped all my attention, my anguish onto her.

I smothered her with gifts clothes,

loads of things.

Sophie has always been a bony girl,

not very pretty.

It was not love at first sight between us.

I'm pretty I

I'm pretty, I have nice curls, I'm pretty...

I think she could never really stand me,

not even when she was a child.

- What did you say'? - Wash yourself.

- With What? - Isn't there any soap?

At age three, she wanted to Wash and dress herself,

I'm sure that was because she couldn't stand my touch.

Michel was 11 years older than me.

He'd sweat all the time, after some years it disgusted me.

Right after we got married, he asked me to stop taking the pill.

I continued taking it behind his back.

How long would it have lasted

if I hadn't realized I couldn't stand his hands and his body.

He was never aware of anything, he kept being so nice,

so thoughtful, and I felt guilty.

Like someone who kicks a dog that comes up wagging its tail.

I couldn't stand him any more, and was even violent with him.

He never reacted, he'd take it, with his kind eyes.

This nauseated me.

He perspired tenderness and so, I stopped the pill.

It was the violence of his tenderness

that obliged me to become a mother.

Mom, can you see me'?

Why do you look at me like I were a ghost?

Go away, you don't exist

You're just a delusion of my sick brain.

It's great to feel so loved I

Dad was Warmer, remember'?

Stop, Sophie, stop it I

We were like lovers, roughhousing and fawning.

Two lovers, can you imagine that?

I even get you mixed up, you've got the same expression...

You're the same person.

You're right,

it's nothing to do with that old story,

it's between you and me, it concerns just the two of us.

You've always hated me.

To defend myself, I had to hate you as Well.

You made me like this, you're my mother

I came along later.

You'll have to admit it sooner or later,

with all the responsibility it involves.

As you grew up, I hated all your values,

everything that was stupid and insignificant for me.

Your money, your husband.

I married Claude only because you didn't like him,

because you considered him economically unreliable.

You've always made your choices against me.

You left me no choice,

everything revolved around you.

You kept all emotions to yourself, hunger, thirst,

hate, guilt,

malice, innocence.

It's impossible to be with you without feeling like shit.

Look at me, open your eyes.

I'm the monster...

that embodies your worst flaws.

I want to show you something Danielle.

It might be useful for your therapy, though I'm not sure how.

You're an intelligent woman,

don't let yourself sink down so.

That's all.

It's time to go back now.

I don't want to go back the nursing home.

I'd been afraid of Sophie for years.

Her coming to my house used to terrify me,

I was afraid she'd find...

a worm in the salad

a spiderweb on a lamp, or a glass that didn't sparkle.

So I'd clean...

wash, make everything shine, but she'd always say...

that my house was dirty.

That I was dirty.

When Dominique was six months old...

she left her with me for two days, it went so badly.

Sophie was

very violent with me.

I was so anguished...

having to follow her instructions,

that it went all Wrong.

It Wasn't a pleasure any more...

to see my granddaughter, during this first and last contact

that I had with her.

When Sophie returned,

the child had diarrhea,

so she accused me of...

feeding her junky food

not Washing the salad, having dirty hands.

She never left her with me again, in any case, I'm sure...

that even if she had,

things would have gone bad again.

Try asking yourself what Sophie expected,

what any mammal offspring expects from its mother.

The tools, the means for survival.

Understand, Danielle?

An arduous task, often a desperate one.

Might this have been the cause of the chasm between the two of you?

Have you ever tried putting yourself in her shoes

Would you like to know Why I showed you that short film'?

Do you think you really know yourself?

It doesn't matter.

Yes, it does I

what matters is to know the people close to us.

No, people come and go, While we are always here.

Does a daughter come and go too'?

And does a mother come and go?

The only one who stays is you, Doctor.

You who don't get your hands too dirty.

We all die, soon or later.

We'll all die.

Have you got children?

No.

A shame, being a mother is important.

You might be Wrong to think it's so obvious, so logical.