Tales from the Darkside

Man lives in the sunlit world

of what he believes to be reality.

But... there is,

unseen by most, an underworld.

A place that is just as real

but not as brightly lit.

A dark side.

Hello. Hello, babies.

Mama's home.

l know, l know you're hungry, snookums.

We're all hungry.

lt's snack time.

-MALE VOlCE: Hey, fattie, you warthog. -Mmm... (laughs)

Pick up some whipped cream

to slather all over your buttocks

and squish between your fat toes?

You want to look like a walking cream puff?

A walking, talking lard bucket

oozing down the street, Fobsie?

Okay, snookums, it's food time.

Open your pores.

Open wide!

Num, num, num, num, num, num!

All my little babies, yeah!

Don't you want to talk to Mommy?

You're my little buddies, yes, you are.

O-A-L-A-H-A-- Oalaha.

Hello?

My name is Betsy Cowland from Special Editions, Limited,

and you're Mrs....

What's this all about?

lt's about you being able to own a lovely edition

of Special Editions, Limited;

those special books not available on television

or in the bookstores

or anywhere else, for that matter.

No one ever calls me.

Hello?

Hello?

Weight Away calling.

The call that will change your life.

l think you have--

Weight Away is not available on television

or in bookstores or anywhere else, for that matter.

How did you get my...?

At Weight Away, you don't get gimmicks

like talking refrigerators.

How did you know?

Who is this?

You get guarantees.

But...

We'll deliver this afternoon.

''Your weight is over.''

Hello? Hello?

What's going on?

Who is it?

Betsy Cowland?

Yes?

Delivery.

l didn't order anything.

Oh, it's okay. ''Your weight is over.''

Wonder what it is.

''Congratulations.

''You are one of the first owners

''of the most advanced weight-loss technology ever.

''For best results, insert in ear before every meal.

Guaranteed weight loss with regular use.''

Hello?

Betsy?

Who is this and how did you get my number?

ls this Betsy Cowland?

How did you get my number?

Betsy, it's Elmo Shroud.

Elmo?

Elmo Shroud from good ol' Oswego High.

The last time l saw you was, uh, prom night.

Elmo.

Um, yeah, l-l'm in town on business,

and l thought it might be fun to get together.

You know, talk about the good ol' days.

Yes, uh, they were wonderful days.

Uh, how did you get my number?

From your brother.

He gave me your address, too.

Uh, why don't l pick you up, say, about 8:00?

8:00.

lt's a date. See you then. Bye.

So, what do you think?

lt's an old dress.

Just a little tight...

here and here.

Oh, and there.

And there.

Well, maybe if l don't breathe too much,

he... he won't notice.

Aren't you gonna say anything?

Oh, who am l trying to kid?

Maybe this wasn't such a great idea.

Maybe he won't show up.

He showed up.

lt's open!

Betsy?

Elmo?

Well, uh, you-you certainly look healthy.

Thank you. And you look shiny.

Yeah, well, l'm just glad to be looking at all, if, uh...

Well, you know what l mean.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Uh... did you ever marry?

Uh, no, no.

-You see, l've been traveling. -Oh.

You know, l've always wanted to travel, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, l-l see that you've been to the jungle here.

What?

l-l was just joking.

l mean all of these-these plants, you know?

Yeah.

Well, you look different.

Are you hungry?

(traditional Mexican music plays)

l know it's a lot of food.

Believe me, l've tried everything l can to lose weight.

l've-l've done the water diet,

the tea diet, the juice diet. the no-diet diet.

l even had my earlobes stapled.

Didn't work.

Oh, l've wrapped myself in cellophane,

l wore weight belts, fat pants, even suction pants.

Suction pants?

Mm, pants connected to a vacuum

that's supposed to suck off the pounds.

lt doesn't work.

l looked into the liposuction operation

where they really open you up and take out the fat,

but that's too expensive.

Oh, uh, excuse me.

l-l have to make a-a telephone call.

MALE VOlCE: No, no, no, come on!

ls there something wrong?

No... l-l've got something in my ear.

l can't get it out.

Oh, it's okay.

This looks just great.

Betsy?

What's this?

Elmo...

l'm sorry l embarrassed you.

l shouldn't go out.

l'm-l'm gross and stupid.

Oh, no.

Betsy, are-are-are you all right?

You want to see a doctor?

No... No, you can just leave.

l've ruined your night.

Uh, someone left this at your back door.

What is it?

l don't know.

lt says it's from ''Your weight is over.''

No.

l'll, uh, open it.

Good-bye.

Betsy... could l say something?

You were the prettiest girl in our class.

l'm not the most beautiful girl anymore.

Glasses.

''Guaranteed weight loss with regular use.''

Guaranteed.

: Please don't...!

Please don't eat us!

Please don't eat us! Please don't eat us!

Please don't eat us! Don't eat us!

-No! -Aah!

FEMALE VOlCE: l implore you to stay your hand.

MALE VOlCE: Yeah, she's right, lady.

Give us a break here, huh?

MALE VOlCE 2: We've done you no harm.

Why abuse us so?

What's the matter, lady, cat got your tongue?

Cat got my tongue?

Hey, lady, whoa! Just a simple question here.

No. No!