Accused

This programme contains some strong language and some violent scenes.

'Hiya.' I'm telling him tonight.

'I'm not leaving him tonight, I'm telling him I'm leaving him.' Right.

You'll tell Carmel you're leaving her?

'Yeah.'

You'll tell her tonight?

Yeah.

'What time?'

I don't know.

I thought we could tell them at the same time.

I tell Geoff and you tell Carmel at exactly the same time.

I could do it that way.

If I know you're doing it too. Right.

'What time?'

You choose.

Half six.

When the woman says,

"And now it's time to join the BBC news teams where you are."

We tell them then. 'Right.'

Bye. Bye.

He's the best! He's a Scouser! Everything you look for in a footballer, he's got.

You think any Scousers are talking like this about our lads?

'You'll tell Carmel you're leaving her?'

'We could tell them at the same time.'

'Now, there's a bit of uncertainty about this forecast, so if you are planning something...'

'You'll tell her tonight?'

'..the best of the brighter weather...

' "And now it's time to join the BBC news teams where you are." '

Put the ball away! >

Put the ball away!

What is it?

We're getting married, Dad.

'It's time to join the BBC's news teams where you are. Goodbye.'

If that's OK with you.

Yeah. When? Next month.

Church and all that? Yeah.

I couldn't do it.

'Why not?' I'll tell you when we meet.

When we meet?

Did you do it? 'Yes.'

You told him?

Yes.

'I'm sorry.'

You bastard.

So here we go. Not too big, not too small.

Eight round tables, ten per table.

And then a long one at the back for bride and groom, parents, bridesmaids, best man.

We can bring some more in in the evening. Lovely. Laura?

Upstairs at the Crown would do me, Dad. Never mind the Crown. What about here?

It's perfect.

How do I pay?

A third now, and then the rest on the day. Cheque OK? Yeah.

What does he do, your dad?

Barrett's in town.

Shop or warehouse? Both.

He owns it, Dad.

Owns it?!

Yeah.

Not exactly on the bones of his arse, then?

No.

Will you wait for us, please? We'll be two minutes.

You're not staying with us? No, we're going into town.

This is my dad Gordon, and Maeve. Dad and Maeve, this is Willy and Carmel. Nice to meet you.

Enjoy. See ya.

Have a good time. Drink, Carmel?

No, I'll wait for the wine. Willy? Scotch.

I'm paying for the meal. You're not. No, I am definitely paying.

So I'll have a scotch. Large one.

OK.

I think you're missing the point. When you ask why they're there,

why our young men are there... And women.

And women, women too. They're there to die.

They're not there to win. They're not there to gain ground or to defeat the Taliban.

The Yanks will take care of that, thanks very much. We're there to die.

So that the Yanks can say to their people, "Look, we're not alone. It's not just us, it's the Brits as well."

Just imagine, right, that by some wonderful feat of soldiering

we managed to get through it all without losing a man.

D'you think the Yanks'd say "well done"? No way.

They'd say, "What the hell are you playing at?

"You've got to die, you bastards. You've got to die!"

So, have you ever been to Thailand, Carmel?

No. I've always wanted to.

It's lovely. Yes, everyone says so.

Mo sent me.

Mo? He's the owner.

He doesn't like people smoking near the doorway. Says it lingers.

Right. I'm just finishing now anyway. Just finishing.

Right.

Beam me up, Scotty.

I agree with the ban. I'm not knocking the ban. We're a persecuted minority, we really are.

I agree with the ban, by the way. But we have to smoke outside -

there's no facilities. I'm getting it. You won't. I'm getting it.

I've had whiskies and brandies, so I'm getting it. I can afford a few brandies.

I know, but I'm getting it.

Often you won't find an ashtray, or one of them things, with sand.

Not quite an ashtray but anyway, you won't find one. Put 10% on, by the way. Thank you, sir.

What are you going to do with the ciggy stumps? What are we supposed to do? Can't just throw 'em!

If you do, you're dropping litter and you can be fined. People fined

for dropping litter when all they've dropped is a ciggy stump.

Is there a problem? I'm afraid your card's been declined.

Shall I have another go? Yeah, course.

So the only one logical thing to do... It's fine, by the way - there's plenty of money.

The only logical thing to do is drop your ciggy stump in a litter bin.

But what's going to happen then?

You drop your ciggy stump in a litter bin, and you're starting a fire.

So what's worse - dropping a bit of litter, or what constitutes litter,

or starting a fire in the middle of town? Sir, I'm afraid your card's been declined again.

There's a problem. There's a fault.

There's money in there... Use this. I put a big cheque in. No, please.

It doesn't matter. It does, cos I've been ordering things left, right and centre

and I only did that cos I thought... It's fine. No worries. I wouldn't have ordered them if you were paying.

If you pay, it makes me look like a right prick, doesn't it?! Willy, it's fine!

Why do you do that? Hello. My card's just been rejected and it shouldn't have been.

Why d'you let your mouth run away like that? Debit card. Answer me.

William J Houlihan.

No, don't do that. Don't put me on hold again.

They'll think that I'm a con man, that I knew the card was going to be rejected.

They'll think no such thing! They will. She certainly will, the gold digger...

For God's sake, why are you like this?! Say that again. Indian.

It can't be overdrawn, mate.

I put a cheque in five days ago for 22 grand, so it can't possibly...

Say that again.

Tony's cheque bounced.

No, nothing. Thank you. Thanks.

He wouldn't do that to us.

He wouldn't.

'Hiya, this is Tony. Leave a message.' Answer machine.

Tony, it's Willy. Sorry to ring so late.

Give us a bell as soon as poss.

How much is that?

< 12 quid, love.

There you go. Thanks. Hiya, Jean. It's Willy.

'You all right?' Fine, love.

I need to speak to Tony, it's urgent.

OK. Did he say where?

OK. If you hear from him, tell him to call me back.

Tell him it's urgent. Thanks.

Anyone been on? What?

Has anyone been on?

No. Has Laura phoned?

What? Look, I'm sick of repeating every question I ask you.

Has Laura been on?

No. You're in the way! Every light in this house is burning.

Switch 'em off! Right! Now!

It's Willy.

Trying to get in touch with Tony. Phone me back when you get this.

Are you having one? I'll have tea.

Get your mam a cup of tea. What?

Get your mam a cup of tea, now!

Tony wouldn't let you down. There'll be a logical explanation.

Mark, it's Willy. Is everything all right with Tony?

Pick up, Tony. You may as well pick up, cos I'm coming round anyway.

'Pick it up, you prick. Pick it up.'

Pick it up!

What's going on? I'm finished. What d'you mean, you're finished?

I'm wound up. Bankrupt.

What about my money? Tax man's first. Then the VAT. Then the bank. Then...

Mugs like me?

I'm sorry, mate. Eight bathrooms.

I did all I could. I'm no fly by night. You know that!

You let me put eight bathrooms in for you! I did all I could!

If there's anything left, I'll see it gets to you, Willy!

Willy! You're top of the list. I promise you that, mate. Willy!

No, no, no! I'm not letting you do this.

I'm not letting you do this, Willy! Don't make me phone the coppers.

Don't make me do a thing like that to a mate! Mate?! Open the door.

No! I want you to go home, Willy, and talk about it...

I don't want to wreck eight bathrooms and eight doors but I will unless you open it.

For God's sake, this is crazy, mate! I don't own them any more, Willy.

The bank owns them! I'm handing over the keys this afternoon cos the bank owns them now!

So whatever you do, you do to the bank! This is crazy!

I'm phoning the cops on you, Willy! Stop it, Willy!

Come on, man! See sense for God's sake!

Hello again. Hi.

It's a bit awkward, this.

Yeah? Can I ask you not to pay that cheque in?

We paid it in first thing.

Right. Is that a problem? No.

Well, slight. Slight problem. Nothing that can't be sorted.

It's, er, fine. It's fine, love.

So you're still going ahead with the... Oh, yeah. Yeah.

No problem. Absolutely no problem.

Bye. Thanks.

I was going to tell her.

And the boys.

And just as I was about to do it, Laura walked in with her fella

and told us they were getting married.

That's exactly the way it was, I promise.

When it's over...

when the wedding's over and they've got off -

I'll tell her then. I'll go home.

I'll pack a bag.

And I'll pick you up at yours.

About half seven.

Half seven, night of the wedding.

You told Geoff?

How'd he take it?

He was ecstatic.

D'you want me to sort him?

Yeah.