Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Ant. Ant. Ant.

Ant. Ant.

God, they're everywhere.

Are we sure that we've cleaned up

all the food and crumbs?

Why is everyone looking at us?

We're the ones who eat up all the crumbs.

Yeah, we're the solution.

Well, there are no ants on my desk

because I sanitize it daily.

What do you call that?

Ah! Those are your ants!

They're using a monitor cable as a land bridge.

Now they're destroying our technology.

This is an invasion.

They're in my yogurt.

Now it's personal.

All right, that's it. We have gotta fight back.

This is our planet!

Just use Boyle's cologne. It's repulsive to everything.

Ah! Not cool.

You're going to Penn Station to buy me a new one.

The ant infestation?

It's bad. They bite now, sir.

I think they're just trying to avoid the cold weather.

We should freeze them out.

The plan is working, Captain.

Yes. We won.

Oh my God. They're in the coats.

They're in our coats!

Okay. I don't want Sophia to know

that I'm waiting for her, so...

Should we pretend to have a heated argument that I win?

Oh, or better yet: a physical contest that I win.

What's going on?

I thought things were good with you and Sophia.

Jake.

Did you do something dumb?

That's a really good question, but actually no,

I don't think so.

It's just been a little weird lately.

She's acting kind of distant.

Have you talked to her?

No, I don't want to seem desperate.

Talking to her is desperate?

Well, it's not breezy.

Jake? Hey. Hey.

What are you guys doing here?

Oh, just arguing about America.

Did you know that the Sarge doesn't think

we should have given women the right to vote?

That is not true.

Oh, sure, you say that now that she's here.

But, hey, now that we've accidentally

bumped into each other, what are you doing tonight?

You want to hang out? Oh, I can't.

I have that event for The Association

of The Brooklyn Public Defenders

Remember, you called it "Satan's Charity Ball,

colon, Rise of the Demons?" Oh yeah.

Defense attorneys are monsters. Oh.

Uh, except for you. No, you're fine.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Right, right. But I have a minute right now.

You want to go take a walk in the park?

Oh, a walk in the park. How romantic.

And I know where all the murder spots are.

Oh. Do you want to see them or avoid them?

The choice is yours, m'lady.

Terry, don't wait up.

It's 10:00 A.M. Yep.

Deputy Chief Wuntch is here to see you.

Oh, please stay, Diaz.

I need a witness in case her head starts spinning around

or if she turns into a she-wolf.

Hello, Raymond.

No flaccid rejoinder?

Hmm. What's going on?

I'm here on important business.

I'm a frontrunner for a job in the Boston PD.

Boston? But it's so close to Salem.

You do know what they do to witches up there, don't you?

This is amazing. The job is Chief of Police.

I see. So you've come to brag.

No.

The only blemish on my record

is our long history of interpersonal turbulence.

The Boston Commissioner would like

to speak with you about it.

I've come to ask for your help.

The commissioner will be calling you.

Wait. Shh shh shh shh shh shh shh.

Oh. Moment savored.

So, where were we? Ah yes, you were talking

about how I hold your fate in the palm of my hand.

Oopsie.

Oh my God.

Oh, I'm sorry. I lost my balance.

You think I'm bothered by a little spilled milkshake?

I'm a food blogger, I'm stained all over.

Okay, what is going on with you two?

Well, you know how our parents have been

tender-sexing each other?

Ew. Precisely, Amy. Ew.

Boyle and I made a pact to break them up,

and now this sticky little gummy bear is backing out.

Look, I know you don't want our lives intertwined,

but things have changed.

My father want to marry your mom.

So you choose your dad over me,

your coworker who hates you.

Papa's a gentleman.

He won't propose until he gets Gina's blessing

And she won't give it to him.

Who says "papa?" Are you a little French boy?

Oh ho-ho-ho.

I think maybe I can help.

I took a seminar on conflict resolution and...

I have been waiting weeks to bust this bad boy out.

New binder smell.

Mm-mm. Amy don't do this.

I'm gonna throw a milkshake in your face.

This is nice.

I feel like old people.

Should we sit here?

Jake, there's something I want to talk to you about.

So, my boss hasn't been assigning me

any of the good cases,

and I found out it's because I'm dating a cop.

What?

Did he actually say that?

No, but my colleagues did.

You know, everybody I work with

think of cops as the enemy.

That's crazy. They're the enemy.

I see what you mean.

Jake, I really like you,

but my job's really important to me, too.

Can we press pause on this?

Press pause?

Just until I figure out what to do with my boss.

Is that okay?

So this is just about your boss?

Okay. Yes, let's press pause.

Let's pause the hell out of this.

Let's pause this like I pause

Jamie Lee Curtis in Trading Places.

I haven't seen that movie, but I'm assuming she's naked.

Mm-hmm.

"Pause" seems bad, Jake.

Why aren't you more upset?

Because Sophia's problem isn't with me,

it's with her dumb boss.

That's something I can fix.

I'm gonna make him like me.

Here is the target... Geoffrey Hoytsman.

Now, according to the internet,

his interests are: skiing, his terrier,

Atlantic City, the film 12 Years a Slave, and nature.

Obviously nature is super boring,

and the slave film is a little bit dicey.

It's real dicey. Yeah.

So I will focus mainly on skiing and Atlantic city

when I talk to him tonight at the fundraiser

for The Association of Brooklyn Public Defenders,

A.K.A. The Chamber of Asses.

No, wait. That's too sexy.

The Chamber of Snakes.

Anyway, it starts at 8:00,

so you should probably get dressed.

What? I am not going to that.

Please, Sarge. Just come.

Do it for me. Do it for love.

Damn, Jake. You know Terry loves love.

I'm in. All right!

Now put on your phoniest smile

'cause we're going into the belly of the beast.

Phonier.

Phonier!

Ah, there it is. Into the beast!

All of our worst enemies are here.

Brown hair guy. Pony tail lady.

Asian Don Cheadle.

I refuse to learn their names

because it humanizes them.

But you'll never forget their smug lawyer faces.

Each one brings back a specific, horrible memory.

Like courtroom PTSD.

Incompetent!

Idiot!

Mint?

I could have choked on that mint

Even the nice ones are psychopaths.

All right. Let's get fired up.

Pound on my shoulders. That's my stuff.

Wait! Wait! No, don't hurt me!

Ah, that was a bad idea. I'll bang my own sulders.

Let's go.

Detective, have a seat.

I am grappling with a highly vexing conundrum.