In the Know

Mm.

Mm.

Oh.

Oh, that's interesting.

Tell me more.

I guess what I'm wondering is--

I'm Lauren Caspian, and this is "In the Know."

Mm.

I'm Lauren Caspian, and this is "In the Know."

You're a fucking god.

The unhoused man looked at me.

He looked me dead in the eyes, and he said, thank you.

Thank you for recognizing my humanity

when the rest of the world refused.

- The homeless guy said that? - Mm, with his eyes, yes.

And he's in the studio bathroom right now?

It was the least I could do.

Okay. Well, have a good show.

Oh, Carl, I'm no hero.

What?

Oh, Carl, I wish I could see myself the way you see me.

Oh, Carl, Saturday, Lin-Manuel Miranda's

interviewing himself at The New Yorker Festival.

Want to be my plus-one?

Uh, I have friends in town Saturday.

Ah.

Well, let's hang out next weekend. then?

They're here next weekend, too.

Jeez Louise. They won't leave you alone.

I think they're just lonely

and have a hard time picking up on social cues.

I was homeless once.

Yeah, s-summer of '66, I lived under a pier

in Venice Beach with Jim Morrison.

H-he used to beat the shit out of me.

Ah, Fabian, guten morgen.

Don't start with me today, Lauren.

I was just attacked on the subway.

Good God. What happened?

Some meathead's aftershave triggered one of my migraines.

The way this country treats the neuro-sensitive

makes me want to firebomb a Bath & Body Works.

They're ready to go in five, Lauren.

Um, do you have the research for the first guest?

This just says "straight white woman."

Tells you everything you need to know.

Chase, interns are supposed to get here by 9:00.

We've talked about this.

Dude, it's crazy I even came in.

Last night this couple I was banging

accidentally locked me in their home sensory-deprivation tank,

and I was frickin' screaming all night.

What, they didn't hear you?

They're both deaf-- Techno accident.

But they still DJ, which is inspiring as fuck.

Good morning, everyone. Ready to have a great show?

Ugh, Barb, you know I can't have management

hovering over me before interviews.

The last thing I need is some corporate fat cat

purring "money, money, money" in my ear.

You make twice my salary.

It's not all about money, Barb.

Okay, showtime.

Scrooge McDuck.

Boomer Witch.

Mmm.

Hi, this is Lauren.

Today we'll be unpacking the idea of beauty.

Our first guest began modeling at just 13,

proving that in fashion,

child labor doesn't just happen on the manufacturing side.

An actress, fashion goddess, and fellow crazed book-slut,

Kaia Gerber, welcome to "In the Know."

Wow, um, thank you. Thank you for having me.

Let's talk about the impossible beauty standards

- that models put forward. - Mm.

I buy most of my clothes

from a company called Weak and Wiley,

which makes a sweater with a built-in lumbar support.

- Mm-hmm. - But I'm constantly turned off

by how unattainably beautiful

the male model is in their catalog.

Do you feel misled? Is that-- Is that what the issue is?

Well, when I look at the catalog,

I think, ooh, if I get that fair isle

with the orthopedic Spanx,

I'm going to look like Vadim from the catalog.

- Mm-hmm. - But then I go

to the food co-op, and I see myself reflected

in their two-way mirror-- Because there's been

a lot of shoplifting at the food co-op, to be honest--

I look nothing like Vadim.

I do think it can be misleading.

I think sometimes I'll see a photo of myself,

and I don't even feel like it looks like me.

- So imagine that. - Mm.

I like to treat my interviews like a trampoline

and boing from one subject to another.

- I'm ready. - Boing, boing.

When you used to bring books to read backstage

during fashion shows, people were surprised.

Now, why do you think that is?

There's a very common misconception

about models that we're not intellectual.

So it doesn't take very much to impress people.

I found the same shadow assumption with me,

which is they expect me to be intellectual,

but they don't expect me to be sensual.

- Mm. - And so they're surprised

when they come to my house and see my collection

of erotic didgeridoos.

Why do you have didgeridoos?

Because of how erotic they are.

- Right. - Boing.

I'm trying to look younger.

Do you eat breakfast?

You know, spring semester I modeled

for this flip-flop company,

where I'd climb in the back of this guy's SUV,

and he'd photograph my feet in different kinds of sandals.

It's a really exclusive brand.

They don't have a physical store

or a catalog or a website-- Just that Lincoln Navigator.

Do you want to see me have a full-blown seizure?

What?

I'm on the 14-day egg diet.

This is how James Caan got in shape

for "Freebie and the Bean."

Get rid of it.

Mm.

Wait for me.

Wouldn't it be better if, instead of choosing models

using the current bizarre criteria,

which, frankly, means most of them look

like literal aliens from scary space,

we just chose people at random like jury duty.

I agree. I do think that's worth exploring.

It would definitely make it interesting.

Imagine a hairy old man

in enormous Balenciaga shoes,

a female pipe fitter

who just had dental surgery smizing in the new Donna Karan.

- Wouldn't that be refreshing? - Completely, yes.

And because I feel like we're in a flow

where you're agreeing with me,

would you mind if I rant about the violence of the male gaze?

Yeah, I would love to hear it.

And feel free to periodically chime in

and say, amen, or, go off, queen,

whatever feels natural.

Right, okay.

Here I go.

Men don't want these plastic waifs.

We want a physically dominant version of ourselves.

We want a woman with a big woolly shoulder bag

and long COVID, who smells like hummus and coffee

and has earrings that are sexy little wind chimes.

Mm. Amen.

We are all fortunate to live in a time--

What's that one about?

Oh, a family of scientists are kidnapped by time pirates.

It's actually based on a real theory of special relativity.

Ooh, that sounds interesting.

I'm reading another novel about the widows of Nova Scotia.

Oh, uh...

Hey, has there been any progress

in your husband's murder case?

Oh, I-I don't want to pester the police.

They're probably busy

prepping for the St. Patrick's Day Parade.

Dale loved parades.

How did you learn to walk in heels?

I actually took lessons, and that is a true story.

Do you remember the key lesson?

Yes. Don't sway your hips.

That's impossible for me,

because I have a naturally sassy pelvis.

So do I, and it proved to be an issue.

Now, you've said you don't enjoy getting asked

basic questions like, "What are three items in your purse?"

So I'll ask, Kaia, what have you done that nobody knows

that you are most ashamed of?

And please be uncomfortably specific.

- Oh, my-- - This is a safe space.

Safe space.

Um, the three items in my purse, uh, are--

Didn't your daughter try to get an internship here?

Yeah. She really loves journalism.

- And then this dude got it? - 14...

Yeah, supposedly his parents made this big gift

to NPR after he was put on academic probation

at Florida State.

- That stinks. - Whoo!

Oh, Beth understands.

What's your relationship to showers?

I love crying in the shower.

When you don't know what's tears and what's water,

that's one of my favorite things.

It's like peeing in the bath. You can't tell what's what.

Okay.