The Baby

Fooze: Ball or treat?

Come on, Bruv... choose.

Lydia: That's stupid.

Yes, Bruv. Master of his own destiny.

- He is not, though, is he? - Uh,

- Bruv chose the ball. - Lydia: Yeah,

from a list of two options that you gave him.

Hm.

- Customer: Can I have a coffee? - No, we're closing.

Customer: Please, just five minutes.

Um, I should go bounce

'cause there's this thing I've gotta do.

- See ya tomorrow, Fooze. - Legendary.

Come on, Bruv.

Cute baby.

No, Bruv! Bruv.

Here you go.

It's the end of the day, so whatever.

Don't go.

I've got to close the kitchen.

Be with you in a sec!

Why have I got 17 missed calls from you?

- Did you get my voicemail? - No one listens to voicemail.

What's going on?

Why is there a baby here?

Right?!

I need coffee.

Don't touch it.

I've had the weirdest 24 hours, Reets.

It's been a madness.

Skinny or full-fat?

Reets?

Reets? Rita!

- I told you not to touch it! - What...

This was a bad idea.

You know what, Reets?

I've got this. You should just go home.

Why don't I take him out for a walk?

You can wash, have a nap.

That's not a good idea.

We'll have a fun time together, won't we?

Yes! Yes, we will.

Spend some fun time with Auntie Rita.

It's good to get some practice in before mine comes.

What?

You can trust me with your baby.

This isn't my baby, Reet.

- Okay. - No, not okay.

It's not my baby.

Well... it is.

Are you all right?

If you're struggling,

there's no shame in admitting it.

- We are all here for you. - Stop, stop, stop, stop.

: This isn't my baby.

This isn't funny, Tash.

No, I know it's not.

- Do you want me to call anyone? - No, because I called you.

I just meant, like...

Go on...

Go on, just say it. I'm not annoyed.

You should call your sister.

Whew. Better out than in.

I think Bobbi would be a good person to have around.

Cool. I don't.

Okay, we're going for a walk.

You need a shower.

No, Rita. It's not safe.

- Give me the baby. - Every time I let myself

- get sucked up into your drama. - Give me the baby.

- Give me the baby. - You drag me over here in a total state,

- and then don't want my help. - Rita, give me the baby.

In case you haven't noticed, I've got a lot...

- Rita, give me the baby. - On my plate, too.

- Rita, give me... - You're being mental!

Give me the fuckin' baby!

I'm sorry, Reets, about all that.

I don't know why I flipped. I think it's just, you know?

'Cause I'm fine. Batshit, but fine.

- Maybe, you sh... - Sorry.

Says... are you free on Friday

for pizza and Jagermeister?

Oi, get your own best mate.

Listen, I'll call Bobbi. Promise.

You know what?

I'm just gonna wait with you till she comes.

Seriously, can you just fuck off?

Okay.

Yeah.

Are you fuckin' with me?

- Mags. - Mags : Hey.

Mags... stupid question.

I don't have a baby, do I?

- Mags? - Mags: I thought you were calling to apologize.

- What? - Mags: About poker night.

- Friday? You were an asshole? - Yes! Poker night.

I didn't have a baby on poker night, did I?

'Cause I don't have a baby... right?

Mags?

Mags: I honestly don't have time for your weirdness today.

Look... I'm going to the park later.

If you're puttin' him down for a nap,

we could meet up in an hour.

Tash?

Natasha?

I know I'm not your mum,

and you know I'm not your mum.

And I don't know what your game is,

but I'm not playing it.

You are not gettin' inside my head.

All right.

Let's have a look then.

How many Lydia McNaish-Wilcoxes can there be in Bexhill?

Yes!

Home time, you little cunt.

Awesome baby.

Babies are sick.

- I'm... - Before they've developed frameworks

for organizing concepts,

they experience the world as raw data.

Awareness in its purest form.

- I'm... - This baby is literally jammin'

with universal consciousness right now.