Joan Rivers: A Dead Funny All-Star Tribute

-The first time I saw Joan, I'm positive,

was on the Johnny Carson show.

-Would you welcome Miss Joan Rivers?

-When I was born, my mother looked at me,

looked at the afterbirth and screamed, "Twins!"

-Her style of humor was just extraordinary.

Can we talk?

It looks like I've been machine-gunned by a Smurf.

-She could get away with anything.

-All I ever heard growing up is,

"Why can't you be like your cousin Sheila?

Why can't you be like your cousin Sheila?"

Sheila had died at birth. And I just --

Let me tell you, I don't give a...

if you're white or black or yellow or green,

as long as you can do my hair.

-She would come out here and sit in this chair

and say some things that were unbelievable.

Joan Rivers here.

And don't feel bad if you recognize the name,

but not the face.

I just got this one two weeks ago.

Why are you wearing Betty White's on your head?

She looks like John Travolta

when Kelly Preston is away working.

I mean... -Oh!

Underneath it,

you know that hardcore bitch has a soft, chewy center.

-Talk about guts. A real pioneer for other women.

-She's a beacon of success and determination.

-Joan Rivers to comedy was Don Rickles to comedy.

Period.

-What Joan means to me is freedom.

Freedom for women to say whatever they want.

She was a hero of mine.

I just remember thinking, like, "Wow,

she really doesn't care at all."

Describe Joan in one word.

Well, I can't do that because there's not one word

that encompasses funny, brave, and pioneer.

-We became friends, and I love her.

And I miss her. And I will see her again.

* Hallelujah *

* Hallelujah *

-* Your faith was strong, but you needed proof *

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. Stop singing.

Stop playing the piano. Just stop it!

This is not how we are honoring Joan Rivers.

Y'all not even dressed right.

She would be offended right now seeing this.

And what y'all doing with all these candles?

Y'all brought that from home?

What is it, Hanukkah already?

No, it's not. Turn your candles off.

This is ridiculous.

This is not how we gonna celebrate her.

First of all, we're going to laugh.

Okay? We got an amazing show.

We got Rachel Brosnahan, Nikki Glaser, Patton Oswalt.

Chelsea Handler is here.

This isn't a funeral, guys.

It's a celebration, all right?

So, uh, Doogie Howser, go ahead and play my music.

Oh, you don't know? Okay.

Somebody play my music.

* Hava nagila *

* Hava nagila *

* Hava nagila, hey *

* Venismecha *

* Hava nagila *

* Hava nagila *

* Hava nagila, hey *

* Venismecha *

All right, y'all follow me, okay?

* Just Blaze *

* Hava neranena *

* Hava neranena *

* Hava neranena, hey *

* Venismecha *

* Let's party for Joan for life *

* They call me Tiffany and I'm here tonight *

* To tell y'all about a girl from Prospect Heights *

* This queen did a thing on the microphone *

* To split your side like a kidney stone *

* She had jokes for this, she had jokes about that *

* About the young, old, skinny, and fat *

* Celebrities and their stupid clothes *

* And all the surgeries on their nose *

* So everybody here at the Apollo *

* We got some funny people that you can't follow *

* The jokes are wrong, but they feel so right *

Are y'all ready to laugh for Joan Rivers tonight?

Mazel tov. Mazel tov and l'chaim.

Now come on, we're going to talk about your outfits.

Come on.

Doogie, meet me in the back.

Please welcome Patton Oswalt.

-Thank you. Thank you, sir. Oh, my goodness.

Good evening. Thank you for -- Yes, it's me, Patton Oswalt.

That's right.

Who else were they going to get on a night to honor

Joan Rivers, feminist trailblazer, Jewish icon,

fashion's acid-tongued demon princess?

The reason I'm here is that while Joan Rivers was so good

at so many things, I always think of her as

a once-in-a-lifetime stand-up comedian,

you know, and she was funny.

But more than that, she was prolific.

Over her career, she wrote 70,000 jokes.

70,000 jokes.

That's an unreal level of output.

Even if you account for how much better cocaine was in the '80s.

I did three rails backstage. I'm getting nothing right now.

Joan's jokes were pure.

They were set up, punchline.

No meandering stories. All meat, no filler.

And we know that because Joan saved all 70,000 of her jokes

in a big filing cabinet.

She was organized too, which is weird.

Comedians are never organized.

My jokes are written on Burger King wrappers

and colonoscopy receipts.

Like, I am not organized in any way.

But even though Joan is gone,

we still have the filing cabinet full of jokes.

That is a piece of American history.

With 70,000 jokes, you can really tell

how Joan saw the world.

And what a world she lived through.

She lived through the space race.

That's why she has 22 jokes about astronauts.

She also lived through disco,

which is why there are 140 jokes about Cher.

"Cher -- Cher is so thin,

she broke into show business

with the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders as a baton."

It's not all A-plus, but listen, 70,000, okay?

In her 70,000 joke archive,

there are four jokes about Hitler,

there are 34 jokes about Richard Nixon,

and 866 jokes about Elizabeth Taylor.

So there you go, folks.

History's greatest monster, Elizabeth Taylor.

She wrote so many jokes,

you can actually chart the course of world history.

"Joan of Arc wasn't a tramp? Her last words were,

'Hi, soldier, got a match?'"

She --

Too soon? All right.

She had jokes about George Washington.

"You don't hear about George Washington's nutty sister,

who had a wooden IUD."

Joan may have been gone for 10 years now,

but her jokes were so good that they will live on forever.

Her influence as a comedian, as an entertainer,

and as a true iconoclast will be felt for generation

after generation.

She's dead, but she's still here.

218 jokes about death, by the way.

"When I die, I know what they'll say about my funeral.

'It's the first time a man ever approached her

when she was lying down.'"

Thank you, Joan, and thank all of you.

Good night.

These are all my jokes.

These are jokes over the last 30 years.

These are just...

Every time I write a joke, I try to remember to get it on a card.

"Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say,

'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?"

And you wonder why I'm still working at this age.

Everywhere you look, there are jokes.

Everywhere, jokes to be filed.

Jokes to be written.

Jokes that I thought of something.

I mean, my life is just...

...jokes.

-Coming up, Rachel Brosnahan,

Chelsea Handler,

and a special performance from Nikki Glaser.

-She let other sixes like me know

that if you're funny enough,

people might treat you like an eight.

-Joan's voice echoes in my head when I get asked to do, like,

"Dancing With the Stars" or "Masked Singer"

or "Celebrity American Ninja Warrior."

Like, embarrassing things I've done on TV,

I blame Joan because I always go,

"Joan would have done it. Joan wasn't too cool for this."

Please welcome Nikki Glaser.

Hi, everyone.

I'm Nikki Glaser, and I am so incredibly honored

and grateful to be here tonight to honor Joan Rivers.

What a dream.

First, not to make this weird,

but I just want to talk about something that I actually,

um, isn't easy for me to admit,

and I've only actually recently gone public with it.

But about five years ago, I went to the doctor

for a routine checkup,