Joe vs Carole

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* Oh, yeah! *

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* Telegram Sam, Telegram Sam *

* You are my main man *

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- Hey, you got any sirloin in there?

- Uh, hot dogs, kielbasa--oh, bingo.

Sirloin. It's only five days expired.

- Pick your poison. - Yeah, I'm okay.

Ha, I'm kiddin'!

This is the same shit people pay good money for.

As long as you cook it,

it won't send you to the hospital.

- The hell's going on around here?

- Relax, Joe. I saved you the flank.

Put that shit back.

You know we're tightening our belts.

All this meat goes to the cats.

- C'mon, dude. What about us, man?

- You wanna bitch about it, call HR.

Ask for Mr. I-Don't-Give-A-Fuck.

- Damn, Joe, a little harsh, don't you think?

I will ease up

once Carole Baskin gets off my goddamn ass.

The longer I gotta pay my lawyers to fend her off,

the longer we go hungry.

You heard the man.

Meat's for the cats.

- I gave this place a facelift, and I'm not gonna screw it up

by showin' off a bunch of skinny-ass tigers.

Nobody wants to see that.

You know, zoo looks great,

but when are people gonna show up?

It's like we pulled up our skirt,

but nobody wants to sniff our pussy.

- Well, I got a plan to get the word out about our pussy.

- Wait, did you buy the billboards on the interstate?

- I can't afford billboards, but you know what's free?

The internet.

- You already posted on the internet.

- No shit, Crystal. - This is Amber.

The hell happened to Crystal?

- She's gone back to rehab. - For what?

- You know Crystal ain't her real name, right?

- Well, we're done posting amateur shit online.

It's time to go pro.

How?

- I'm gonna put an ad on Craigslist.

Who's this?

Rick Kirkham?

Yeah?

It's Joe Exotic.

Did you really work on "Inside Edition"?

Sure did.

Hell of a show.

Great memories.

Who is this again?

Joe Exotic from the GW Zoo.

You answered my Craigslist ad lookin' for a producer.

I was hoping you could come down to the park this week.

I got a great opportunity for ya.

- I'll have to check my schedule.

* *

Good news, I'm free.

Good afternoon.

I am so excited to be taking you

on a tour of this very special sanctuary.

We call it that because that's what we endeavor

to create here for our cats,

who come from troubled homes.

- Now, I know what you're thinking.

"Who the heck is this insane cat lady?

She doesn't know anything about me."

Well, in fact, I do.

I know that you all come from homes

that didn't feel like a sanctuary,

and there is a reason that the Tampa Youth Center

brought you here,

and it ain't just the cats, spoiler alert,

because guess who else

happened to leave home as a teenager?

It was me.

I guess I was what you would call an "at-risk teen"

until my life changed and I met a man who...

Is capable of love.

And he taught me about healthy intimacy.

Healthy emotional intimacy. Healthy sexual intimacy.

Take my word for it,

when you feel like the world doesn't love you,

find something to love.

That's what I did.

I found the animals at this sanctuary.

I went on a tangent. Who wants to see some cats?

Yeah? Okay.

Finally.

- That got heavy. Let's go.

* *

How was the tour?

- I think I really inspired them.

- I'm sure you did.

I'm sure you did.

Is that Chanel No.5?

- Wow, someone's got a good sniffer.

- Well, you are not the first maiden

I have courted, milady.

- You are not the first knight I have ridden

to the holy land, my friend.

Yeah, Sasha goes into heat when this little guy shows up

covered in Eau de Parfum.

- Well, Sasha has expensive tastes.

- There's nothing too good for my cats.

Speaking of, will you get me

the Estée Lauder Pleasures, please?

- Yes, with pleasure, my dear. - For Tony.

And, um,

the Yves Saint Laurent Black Opium while you're at it.

- Uh, I got a call from Representative Hughes' office.

I'm afraid the meeting has been put on hold.

Oh. Why?

- They didn't go into the why, but I have a feeling

it has to do with the garbage that Joe's been putting online.

You're effing kidding me.

- Got that call from the "Tribune" last week.

Jesus Christ.

- The accusations have clearly been getting

more and more attention.

- They're gonna reschedule, right?

- Well, my guess is, not until the story dies down.

- Maybe I should call the "Tribune"

and sit down with them.

What, an interview?

Yeah.

I mean, we can't get traction on our Big Cat Bill

until we get a congressperson to sponsor it,

so it could be an opportunity to tell the reporter

what the real story is, which is our bill

to save big cats.

- Are you sure you want to engage them?

- What, you think I can't be charming?

- Well you charmed the pants off me...literally.

- Excuse me. - Sup?

Looking for Joe.

- His office is at the back of the gift shop.

Thank you.

Holy shit.

* *

Rick.

I heard you got yourself a zoo baptism.

- Well...

guess I got a little too close to the tiger.

- Well, you really get too close,

they'll be doing more than pissin' on you.

Now, I want you

to help yourself to anything you want.

Everything's brand-new.

We got lotions, we got bobbleheads,

we got rubbers.

Here, take this.

Though judging by your mug,

you ain't gonna need them anytime soon.

I'm kiddin'. We have a good time here!

Long as you don't mind gettin' pissed on now and then.

- I've been in the TV business for almost three decades.

It would take a hell of a lot more

than tiger piss to spook me.

- Is it true you interviewed Chuck Norris?

- Yeah, we landed him on "Inside Edition."

- Tell me, is he one of them actors that's--

that's midget-sized when you see 'em up close?

No, he's a regular-sized man.

What's Bill O'Reilly like?

- He's a piece of excrement in human form.

- So that's why you left?

- No, there was a problem with a story I did

on a crack cocaine bust.

What kind of problem?

I smoked all the crack.

And then I got my hands on more and I smoked that, too.

I'm pretty open about it.

Actually won an award.

- You won an award for smoking crack?

- No, for a documentary about it.

I haven't touched the stuff in years.

I'm clean as a whistle

and excited about helping you out.

Well, as you can see,

we run a very professional operation here.

- I'll need an advance of about six weeks up front.

- Sure, as long as you're the best man for the job.

So you want to make a show?

Yeah, for my YouTube channel.

You know, I got 100 subscribers.

But I really want 100,000.

You know, go viral.

Because when people know how great it is here,

GW Zoo becomes a go-to destination.

Then I can forget about all the damage

Carole fuckin' Baskin's done.

Who?