How I Met Your Mother

Kids, everyone has an opinion

on how long it takes to recover from a breakup.

Half the length of the relationship.

One week for every month you were together.

Exactly 10,000 drinks. However long that takes.

You can't measure something like this in time.

There's a series of steps.

From her bed to the front door. Bam! Out of there. Next!

But I think you start to recover

the moment you meet that person who gets you back in the game.

This is the story of how I met that person.

Now, kids, if you want to go swimming, you don't just dive in.

First, you dip your toe in the water.

You check the temperature. See how it feels.

I'm Ted.

Vicky.

And then you slowly wade in.

I got left at the altar a month ago.

Or, you know, cannonball.

It was a complete disaster and ever since then,

I haven't been able to even look at another woman.

Except for the old lady on the subway who break-dances for nickels.

I don't look at her that way. I just look at her.

I mean, it's an old lady break-dancing.

And she is good.

I'm going to give her a dollar next time.

Hey, let's pretend I just said this:

These elevator rides have been the highlight of my week,

and I'd love to see you again Friday night.

Not in the elevator.

At restaurant, a nice one.

What do you say?

Yes.

Synchro: ShalimarFox, Arrow

I walked in on a lot of crazy stuff at the old apartment over the years.

Sorry, guys. I'm just going to go with a bowl of fruit.

It's been 12 minutes!

- Drop it! - You first!

Why are you pointing your gun at me?

- Don't use my name! - Put the guns down, now!

But one of the craziest things I ever walked in on

happened when I was roommates with your Aunt Robin.

Who are you?

Mitch.

- What you doing, Mitch? - Oh, you must be the roommate.

I'm on a date with Robin.

She had to step outside to take a call.

I guess her cell phone doesn't work in here.

Oh, Robin didn't use the super secret signal.

We put this old takeout menu on the doorknob.

Place went out of business.

Mr. Wang's...

Guess I don't have to explain why that's funny.

I'm gonna go.

When you leave, take the seat cushion with you. That's trash now.

I think that I am more than qualified for the job.

My weaknesses?

I would say caring too much, working too hard,

and putting my career in front of my love life.

That last one was real.

What?

Well, it appears our sweet,

innocent, little Robin has taken a lover.

A young blade by the name of Mitch.

Her blind date? Total bust.

She's been sending me text messages all night.

She just let him go upstairs to use the bathroom a second ago.

Excuse me a minute.

Buddy, you are killing me. I'm in the middle of something here.

Middle of what?

This is my move.

It's called, "The Naked Man."

"The Naked Man"?

Goes like this:

you're on a first date, you've had a few drinks,

You make an excuse to go up to the girl's apartment.

The bathroom's right there.

You know what, I'm going to grab this.

Then, once she leaves the room,

you strip down naked and wait.

When she comes back,

she laughs.

She's so charmed by your confidence and bravado,

she sleeps with you. Boom!

- There is no way that works! - Two out of three times.

Two out of three times?

Two out of three times. You just have to pick your spot.

"The Naked Man" is best used as a last resort,

kind of a Hail Mary on a first date

when you know there's not going to be a second one.

How do you know that?

- Ted, look at me. - I'd rather not.

Robin is way out of my league.

I'm not smart, funny or handsome.

As you can plainly see, there's nothing impressive

going on anywhere around here.

My only shot with a girl like Robin is the element of surprise.

And, let's be honest,

a little pity.

It's shock and "aw".

- This doesn't really work. - Two out of three times.

Guaranteed.

No way.

Two out of three times.

- He guaranteed it. - Oh, come on.

There is no way that's gonna work on Robin.

She's going to walk in there, take one look at that idiot

- and send him packing. - She might kick his ass first.

Yeah, she might get her gun and shoot him.

Go, go!

My God!

It worked.

Mr. Wang's is back to business.

"The Naked Man" works!

This is gonna revolutionize the one-night stand!

This is like the forward pass in football.

The slam dunk in basketball.

The haircutting technique where they hold it

between their fingers and cut right above it. It's a total game changer!

Barney, this guy slept with Robin, who you claim to be in love with.

How can you be excited about this?

"The Naked Man" is bigger than me and Robin.

All these years,

I have been busting my hump,

with my secret identities

and my tricks and my gadgets.

I mean, I'm like Batman.

But this Mitch fellow, he's Superman.

He rips off his clothes and he's good to go.

What kind of gadgets are we talking about?

This is what it's gonna be like, us living together? I come home,

and guys you're dating are just gonna be sitting on the couch, naked.

I wish I could say no.

I still cannot believe the "Naked Man" worked on you.

What can I say?

Okay, I went in there, and he was naked.

It was funny.

I laughed, he laughed.

And then it just kind of happened.

I don't know.

- I call "slut!" - Slut?

Excuse me?

I'm sorry, Robin, but you hooking up with this guy

makes it seem like the only thing standing between you and sex is clothes.

I didn't just sleep with Mitch because he was naked.

- Then why did you sleep with him? - Because...

He...

He... because I care about Mitch.

A lot.

There was a... connection

of specialness.

Specialness and feelings.

It was because he was naked.

And I'm sorry, but I don't approve. There is only one reason

to sleep with somebody, and that is "love."

Marshall's a big girl because he believes in true love

and finished reading "The Notebook"

`cause the secretaries bullied him into joining Oprah's Book Club.

But you know I'm right.

I love you, but there's lots of reasons to have sex.

- Name one. - I can name 50.

- No, you can't. - Number one: last Thursday.

- Hey, Marshall, want to do it? - I'm up.

You befouled our marital bed because you couldn't get to sleep?

You're the one who said, "That shadow on the ceiling

"looks like a scary toothless clown. Good night, Lily."

Fine! That's one. But I defy you to name...

I'm going to name 50.

There's "makeup" sex...

"breakup" sex,

and "your friend just told you about a new-position" sex.

You're welcome.

There's also "revenge",

"rebound", "paratrooping."

When you go out of town but instead of getting

a hotel room, you go straight to a bar with the intention

of hooking up with a girl so you have a place to stay.

- Oh, you mean "banging for roof". - Slut!

I don't do it. My college roommate did it.

No, Robin, I just have a bad cough. I don't really have a bad cough.

We all know "college roommate" means you, slut!

Does anyone have a lozenge?

I've got one. "Nothing good on television" sex.

"Hotel room" sex.

"Curiosity",

as in...

"I've always wondered what it's like to have sex with a really tall girl."

Not a big girl,

just a tall girl.

Like...

if a normal girl

were seven, seven-and-a-half-feet tall