Significant Mother

I said sell, Janet.

I don't care if no one's buying,

we're selling.

'Cause I'm Harrison Marlowe, and I'm wearing a suit.

No, take that off immediately.

I have to go, Janet. I gotta go.

If you're gonna give all this stuff to Goodwill,

can I please keep this suit?

What do you want with a stuffy old suit?

I was thinking that it's time to take life more seriously.

No, no, no, no.

I love the way that you take life, light and sweet...

Just like your coffee.

Yeah, but you deserve a deeper, more robust brew.

What are you saying, Jimmy?

I'm saying I want to be fancy for you.

B-but see, I-I-I I spent almost 30 years married

to a guy in a fancy suit.

Now I just want a guy who suits me.

No, I-I'm saying that, that I like you for you,

just the way you are.

- Really? - Really.

Now take that off.

Why don't you take it off for me?

Because it's Harrison's suit.

Good point. Uh... Better idea.

I don't know that that's better.

Oh, okay, okay, all right. That's better.

Yeah.

Oh.

What? This?

Oh, my God, hide.

- Ah... - What, why?

- It's my mother! - Oh.

Jimmy, you have to get out of here.

Get out, please, go.

- Ah! - Sorry.

- Oh, my gosh, Mom. - Oh, honey, look at you!

- What a fun surprise. - Yeah, just like those bangs.

Mom, why didn't you tell me that you were coming...

to my house? In person?

Called you bunches.

Well, I guess your, uh, phone doesn't receive incoming calls.

Or make outgoing ones.

Mom, I text you all the time.

I deserve a more personal message from my daughter

than I get on Twitter from Kim Kardashian.

I heard that she calls her mother,

used to be father, every day.

I just want to hear your voice once in a while,

as proof of life.

Text messages are proof of life.

- Liam Neeson would disagree. - Oh, okay.

Anyway, I just thought if I showed up,

you couldn't keep avoiding me.

- Ugh. - Did your housekeeper quit?

Mom, I don't... I don't have a housekeeper.

Oh, I can see that. Bless your heart, honey.

Now, how are things with Harrison?

Oh, they are... They are complicated.

Well, let me make it simple for you.

You do not want to start over at your age.

Your options are limited.

Older bachelors?

Well, they will dump you the first sign of the lady sweats.

And even worse, younger ones who will do the same thing

unless you pay their way.

Trust me, after your father died, I saw it all.

It is time to take your husband back.

Ooh, besides, once a man has been inside you,

you can never truly get him out.

Mom!

And, uh, whose are these?

Um, well, those are Harrison's, and I'm taking them to Goodwill.

- Oh. - Goodwill, good-bye. Boom.

And, uh, are you taking these too?

Hm.

Nate, I need youhelp.

Uh, Jimmy, I'm kinda busy here.

It's an emergency.

I'm in your mom's bush, and I'm naked and afraid.

We'll give you some privacy.

Are you seriously calling me while having sex...

Not that bush, her front bush...

The... the front bush in her front yard.

Gammy came over

and I had to jump out the window without my clothes.

My Gammy's there? Oh...

Oh, no, oh, okay, all right, stay right where you are.

Where else would I go, Nate? Where else would I go?

Jimmy? Jimmy.

Nate. Over here.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

So, based on the fact

that you're out here and my mom's in there,

I assume she's not telling Gammy the truth?

I don't know. It all happened so fast.

I mean, one minute I'm doing a strip tease for your mom,

the next I'm in a bush, having a naked staring contest

with a squirrel.

Please stop talking about my mom's bush.

Nate? Is that you?

Oh, hey, Gammy.

Jimmy, what are you doing in Lydia's bush?

I was just smelling the roses.

My mom texted me.

- Of course she did. - And told me you were here.

So, so, Jimmy and I came by to see you.

Oh, well, I'm so glad that you did.

Your mother just told me the good news.

- She did? - What good news?

Your mother and father are back together.

What?

So, Mom, why did you tell

Gammy this unbelievable news?

- I don't... - Before you told me, I mean.

Well, um, Gammy, found your father's suit and underwear

on the floor, so I had no choice but to tell her

he'd moved back home.

- Can you believe it, Nate? -

The power of prayer, it works every time.

Well, at this point, I'd believe pretty much anything.

Well, I am thrilled.

Harrison, bless his heart, is not a perfect man.

But the two of you took a sacred vow

in front of me, Jesus, and your poor dead father,

and if you had broken those vows,

it would have killed your poor daddy all over again, ugh.

Oh, I have to take this. Excuse me.

So I guess you're not telling Gammy about us?

No, we can't. I'm sorry, Jimmy.

I may like you just the way you are,

but... but this isn't about me.

This is about her and what she thinks of me.

I thought you were all about standing up

for your relationship.

Yes I am, just not to her, not now.

I know it's awful to lie to her, but our relationship is

a little hard to swallow, and it's so new.

I just want to protect it from people who'll be

determined to see it fail.

I don't think you're giving Gammy enough credit.

Really? You heard her.

Between Jesus and my dead father, do you really think

she'll accept that I'm dating the kid she caught

tooting his own horn to the Bible?

Hey, I was 12,

and I wasn't tooting my own horn to the Bible.

I was tooting it to the nudey pictures

I had hidden in the Bible.

Said my boyfriend to my mother.

You know what? You're mom's right.

- We need to keep it a secret. - Ugh.

At least until I can prove to Gammy I'm more than just some...

Immature Bible humper.

Oh, so you're never gonna tell her?

Look, I'm sorry, you guys, but I can't lie to my Gammy.

I won't.

Okay, well then I guess we're just going to have to

tell her who killed Barky Mark.

That was an accident.

Yes, that you caused, and I took the fall to protect you.

But you know what, you're right.

It's wrong to lie.

So I think we should probably just tell Gammy

that it's your fault the dog she got you

ended up under the old elm tree.

- You wouldn't dare. - I would.

Welcome to adulthood, Nate.

The people you love are monsters.

Sorry about that.

Now I am absolutely starving.

How about we call Harrison and have him meet us

for some private family time at Nate's restaurant.

You know what, I have a better idea.

Why don't I just swing by and pick him up,

and then we'll meet everybody there?

You don't mind leaving us alone

for some family time, do you, Jimmy?

No, of course not.

After all, there's no “I” in family.

Well, this is a nifty turn of events.

So are you gonna help me or not?

I don't know, Lydia.

On the one hand, I would like nothing more

than to move back into my own home.

On the other hand, I don't think I'm over you abandoning me.

Abandoning you? I didn't abandon you.

I asked you to take a break,

which led to you breaking in your secretary.

And to you making a sex tape with our son's best friend,

so I think we're even.

Fine, then name your price.

All right. But you're not gonna like it.

Oh, come on, I spent 27 years married to you,

I know how to deal with things I don't like.

I want a Tesla.