American Dad!

* Good morning, USA! *

* I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day *

* The sun in the sky has a smile on his face *

* And he's shining a salute to the American race *

* Oh, boy, it's swell to say *

* Good... * Good morning, USA *

Aah!

Dad, check it out!

I got a B-plus on my essay about my personal hero,

Legolas from Lord of the Rings!

: "Le-go-las."

Yeah. He helps Aragorn conquer...

"A-ra-gorn."

Yeah! He's an elf, and-and he... Hey!

That's not a hero, Steve!

A hero is someone you worship and emulate.

I assume you got such a high grade

because your teacher thought you were trying to come out to her

and wanted to be supportive.

But Legolas is cool!

He can shoot arrows,

his feet scarcely make imprints on the snow...

They've got to be real! Okay?

Heroes have got to be real people!

I'm, um,

I'm ready to pretend I'm going to school,

if someone wants to pretend to see my bus outside.

These are my heroes, son.

Real heroes.

Ronald Reagan and the 1980 "Miracle on Ice"

U.S. hockey team.

1980 was the best year of my life.

Ronald Reagan became president,

and the U.S. hockey team overcame enormous odds

to beat the Russians and win Olympic gold.

And my Cabbage Patch Kid Woodrow was born in the cabbage patch

on September 1.

He's not one of my heroes.

He's-he's just been my best friend since, like, forever.

These men saved me!

I was born into an upper-middle-class

white family in the suburbs.

No one gave me a chance.

But I saw these men, these underdogs,

rise up and beat the odds,

and they inspired me to climb out of the cul-de-sac

and make something of my life!

That's what a hero is, Steve--

someone whose example you can follow.

Heh, look at that!

Can you believe me and this group of jagoffs

won the gold? What are you talking about?

That's me, Chex LeMeneux!

See? That's my finger,

and there's my perfect, apple-shaped bottom.

Well, love to stay and chat, but I already had

half this coffee, and matters are afoot.

Aah! You lazy, selfish, no-good drunk!

How dare you claim to be one of the greatest men ever to walk this earth!

I know who Chex LeMeneux is, and you're not him!

That's 'cause you're not seeing me in my outfit.

Eh? Recognize me now?

Mustache, courtesy of an L.L. Bean mannequin, name of Frederick.

Ah, an alien and a mannequin.

What were we thinking?

We were young.

Take off that jersey! You're besmirching the team!

I'm not telling you, I was the agitator,

the enforcer, the goon.

In that game versus Sweden,

I was inside one of their forwards for, like, a minute.

He still writes me.

I don't write back.

What am I afraid of?

I said take that off!

Fine! You don't believe me? I'll prove it to you.

You know how I go out of town once a year?

No. I don't like to think about you; it's confusing.

That's when the team gets together to reminisce.

Our next gathering is in a few weeks.

Why don't you come with me and see for yourself?

Fine! I'll go, and I'll call you on your nonsense!

Good. I normally take my barber as my plus one,

but lately, Phil's been on this corduroy kick.

I-I mean... wh-what do you do?

Wh-What's... what's to be done?

* She say I'm Mr. Ro... *

* Mantic... *

Hey, Francine!

Give Reggie some sugar.

Hey, Reginald!

What are you doing here?

Oh, I got back from a CIA mission last night.

Stan said I could pop in and make myself at home.

You know, use y'all's laundry, shower, maybe spark up a...

I'm sorry, I don't...

Oh, I thought you partook.

ever mind. Boop! Press delete.

Anyway, these mother-zeroes at the CIA

got me running around.

I just got back from Tangiers.

That is some country-ass country!

You know what they never heard of there?

Hi-damn-C.

Got some yak juice squirting out of some goat.

Tastes like butt coming out some teat.

: "You want some figs? You want some cheese?"

Hell, no! It's 150 degrees!

Can I get a damn ice cube?

Um...

Dear Reginald, I didn't want to interrupt you,

but I really had to go to the bathroom.

Love, Francine.

Did you put my dress in the dryer?

Oh, yeah, I did. It was no problem.

I just threw it in with my jeans.

You shrunk it!

I was gonna wear it tonight!

I'm going to dinner with my boyfriend Ian.

Ian is gonna like that tight on you.

Showcase your bits!

Just stay away from me!

Whew, she hate me,

Like the deserts hate the rain.

How much did that fake sign set you back?

Not bad for La Quinta.

A sign-in table- nice touch, Roger.

Hello, Chex.

I see you didn't bring your barber this time.

I guess you'll never ask me to be your plus one!

You're fat, Helen!

Chex!

Who wants their neck sliced open?!

That's... Jim Craig.

And Mark Johnson.

There's Mike Eruzione!

Just in time, Chex.

They're about to show some of our old game footage.

All right!

I can't believe it.

Roger is my hero.

Aah!

Stan, who the hell are you talking to?

Are you just sitting in the dark watching me?

Oh, God, were you yanking it over my sleeping form?

Oh, you sick...

What the...?

You always get what you want, don't you, Helen?

Bravo.

Little more cereal? Top off your java?

Oh, looks like that article continues on page ten.

Dad, he's still the same Roger!

Just because he won a hockey game 30 years ago, he's suddenly your hero?

Yes, Steve. What did your hero Legoman ever win?

It's Legolas.

You mispronounce it just to aggravate me.

Ooh... I am steaming, boy!

Ooh...

Roger, I am so sorry

for how I treated you all these years.

Stan, don't worry about it.

I want you to punch me in the face.

: I'm not gonna punch you in the face.

I want you to hurt me to make up for how I treated you.

Here, take my gun and shoot me through the cheek.

Stan, I am not going...

Sorry again about the whole cheek thing.

: I didn't mean to... Nonsense!

You just gave me another hole for your glory to shine through.

A glory hole in my face.

You're so great.

May I?

Hayley Mills!

America's original sweetheart.

Come on.

It's been a whole week.

You still mad at Reggie?

Look, how about a peace offering?

You like music?

You like Shaggy?

: Shaggy!

No.

Yes, you do.

Everybody likes Shaggy.

That's why he playing the fairgrounds.

Me and you are going.

You don't seem to get it.

I don't like you.

I want to change that.

I want to be your friend.

That's why I'm taking you to Shaggy, Hayley.

: Hayley!

So, Mike Eruzione and I decided

to pull a prank on our teammates. Uh-huh.

The night before the game with Czechoslovakia,

we sneak into the locker room and rub muscle ointment

inside all the helmets, right?

Uh-huh.

So, the next day, on the ice,

the guys started sweating, and their scalps