Inside No. 9

He said, "I don't bother with the Grand National any more."

"Last year, my horse started at 33-1 at Aintree and ended up as"

"two for one at ASDA!"

Excuse me. Could we get the bill, please? Of course.

Anyway, like I was saying, we were at Lingfield... '89, was it?

No, it was later than that. Eh? Yes, it was after Diana had died.

What's she got to do with it? I just remember.

All right, well, '99, whatever.

And the Professor here had worked out if we put this

accumulator on seven races, we could have made...

What was it, Archie? Half a million.

Half a million. Well, it wasn't half a million. It was 469,000.

All right. Fucking hell. We're not to the nearest quid, are we?

Kevin, will you stop interrupting my flow? Yeah, sorry.

So, we all had to pick seven horses and put

a tenner each in the diddlum.

The what?

The diddlum.

What's a diddlum? The diddlum! It's

a wotsit where you all chip in.

It's the diddlum. You never heard of a diddlum? No.

It's where you pay in a bit each week. It's a savings scheme.

Like a northern thing? You know, "Put tha' money in't

diddlum and buy some whippets and barm cakes and..."

Sorry, go on.

So, anyway, we'd all put in our diddlum money

and chose a horse each for the first round.

You had, what was it? Hoof Hearted?

Hoof Hearted, 3-1, second favourite.

Prof chose some fancy writer thing. Outrageous...

Outrageous Fortune. That's it, after the Bette Midler film.

Shakespeare. And I had Mashie Niblick at 50-1.

See? Clever boy, back the outsider. Exactly!

To push the winnings up.

Life is either a daring adventure or it is nothing at all.

Do you know who said that? Helen Keller. Going for Gold.

That's Henry Kelly!

Yeah, sorry.

So, anyway, what happened next, I gave the

diddlum money to Archie... He didn't.

I did! He says he did, but he was found... No, let me finish!

He was found in the hospitality area... Rubbish!

..with two dolly birds and a full English breakfast.

Slightly the worse for wear. Well, I was upset

that Diana had died! And he'd spent the lot. No!

Yeah, kerching. What? Diddled the diddlum? He

did indeed. Malcolm! So, just be warned, Craig,

you can't trust him as far as you can throw him.

Excuse me, Archie! People in glass houses!

What?

Shouldn't throw stones.

No, they should throw sex parties with strippers. LAUGHTER.

So, come on, then. What happened then?

No, don't tell me. All the horses came in, right? Yeah, exactly.

Half a million down the drain. Well, 469,000.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right. It's only money

in't it, Craig? Not worth falling out over.

Here you go, gentlemen.

I hope you enjoy your meal. It was lovely, thanks.

Excuse me, darling. Can we get some mints? Please?

You know, the mints in the bowl by the

till, just to cleanse the palate.

Oh, no, the kitchen boy will cleanse the palate.

No, no. Not plates.

The palate. You know? The palate.

I mean the mints. In the mouth. Sucky-sucky.

Oh, sorry. Yes. I'll get you some. It's my first day. So...

Well, she's not getting a tip. I wouldn't mind giving her MY tip.

What are you doing, asking for piss-mints? Eh?

Piss-mints by the till. Why are they piss-mints?

Because people come out the bogs, they don't wash their hands

and then they dip in for a mint on the way past. No!

People aren't animals. They are,

actually. They did a test. Exactly.

They tested a bowl, they found 15 different types of piss.

What do you mean - different types of piss?!

There aren't different types of piss! There are! Like fine wines!

Jesus Christ! I can't wait to get back to Chiswick.

Yeah, because London piss is like sparkling water,

you just drink it straight back down again. Pretty much, yeah.

Well, I'm just telling you, mints in northern restaurants,

they're all drenched in piss. And faecal

matter. There you go, I give you big handful.

Look at them, Craig! You not going

to cleanse your palate, then? Er...

No, I think I'll take them for the kids.

How many kids do you have, Craig? I've got two.

It's half-term, so they come up with the au pair.

I told them it was a safari, but with poor people. Hey!

There's plenty of lolly swilling around up here, you

know. As long as you know where to look for it.

And your wife, is she...? Divorced.

Best three-quarter of a million pound I ever spent.

Really? Yeah.

Why is a wife like a hand grenade?

Remove the ring and boom, your house has gone. LAUGHTER.

That's a terribly expensive business.

Do you know why it's so expensive, Kevin?

Because it's worth it.

Talking of unseemly squabbles about money,

let's have a little look at this bill.

Well, there's my contribution,

including a 10% service charge. 10?

You tight bastard! Give her 15, like a normal human being!

10 is industry standard. What industry? She's slopping plates

round for a room full of fat pigs!

Honestly, Kevin! Give it here, Craig. I'm going to get this.

No, Malcolm. No way, that's not right. Shut up, I am. It's on me.

You got it last time, let me get this one.

Get off, I'm paying it. How much is

it? Ooh, Jesus Christ! Go on, then!

Joking! I'm joking! I don't mind,

honestly. No, I'm not having that.

I invited Craig along. I was going

to pay for him anyway. So what?

Craig's my friend. You can't play with him! Don't

be so childish, Archie. I'm not being childish.

You're the one who's being childish. Hey, it doesn't

matter. It does. You're messing it up. It's not fair.

Guys, listen, I'm getting it. No! No! Yes!

I'm going back to civilisation soon. I know

that all you northerners are very poor,

what with your Christmas clubs and your diddums... Diddlums.

So, I'd like to treat you all, please. No arguments!

Well, thank you, Craig. That's very kind of you.

Bloody hell, Kevin! That was quick. You

thanked him before he'd even offered!

Doesn't miss a trick, does he? No, I offered to pay my way.

Yeah, like the time you offered me petrol

money for that league game in Otley!

That was based on mileage as the crow flies, divided

by the four of us. £2! It was mathematically sound!

Yeah, all in coppers!

Right, shall I split you four ways? No.

No, but I wouldn't mind splitting you four ways.

No, I'm getting this. It's been very nice to meet you, Craig.

You played very well tonight, the pair of you beat Kevin and I

fair and square, so Victoribus

Spolia, to the victor, the spoils.

Well, I won't argue with you, Malcs. I'm sorry, Malcolm.

That is bullshit! Eh? We've never played that before, loser pays!

It's a very dangerous precedent to set. It's not a precedent.

I would like to pay for your

meals. Put it all on this, please.

No, put on this, please. I insist.

All right, calm down. You'll give yourself a heart

attack. Why are you making such a big deal out of it?

It's just important to me, all right? Thank you, Archie.

That's very kind. Bloody hell!

Never realised that badminton was so

competitive. It's not competitive.

It's just that Malcolm is overgenerous at times,

aren't you, Malc? This is my treat, everybody.

You can get the next one. Sorry,

it's run out of paper. I'll be back.

I'll be back!

Terminator.

Very clever, Archie. Very clever

trick. I can see what you're doing.

What do you mean? Letting me get the

next one, which is, oh, let me think,

wives and girlfriends night at Browns. So?

So, it'll be double the price, won't it?

Even more, if your Susie puts it away like she did at the

Christmas do! Malcolm! All those mojitos!

You shouldn't bring Susie into it, Malcolm. That's wrong.

I like the sound of Susie!

Has she got a sister?

Anyway, it's fine. You just get this little starter.

I'll pay for the proper grown-up meal next time. Well done.

Fine, I'll get the next one as well, if

you're keeping track. No-one's keeping track.

You clearly are, if you're thinking one ahead.

It hadn't occurred to me what the next one was.

Why don't you just split it, then?

Eh? Why don't you just split it two ways? Then no-one loses face.

Who's losing face? I'm not losing face. Why two ways anyway?

Why not three ways?

Fine, fine. If Craig wants... I meant with you!

Jesus! What a blue cock! What's a blue cock? A tight-fisted wanker.

Ha! That's good! I'm having that! No, no.

Listen, I'm happy to pay my way. I've already demonstrated that.

Oh, put your little purse away, Ebenezer.

We don't need your shrapnel.

Do you want me to pay or not? Yeah,

three ways! So we can treat Craig!

It's not necessary. Fine! Well, I don't drink

and I didn't have a starter, so... So what?

You contributed to the evening, to the company provided,

not what's in your belly! He always does this!

No, it's just that I know all these menus... Kids' menus!

That is not the point and I know exactly

what I'm going to have before I come out.

And I like to have the requisite funds about my person.

I don't have the same resources as

you, do I? I have to be careful.

Careful?! He's got two houses in Clitheroe!

Well, they're flats and one of them's got my mother

in it, so... And how much rent do you charge her?

None of your business! Bloody hell! I was joking!