Inside No. 9

This programme contains some strong language

KNOCK ON DOOR

- Yes? - Hello.

Looking for a Mrs Falsham.

Yes, that's me. What do you want?

- Handle Me Gently. - Sorry?

The removals company - Handle Me Gently. I'm Spike.

We spoke on the phone?

- That's right, yes. - Yes, right.

So through here, is it?

Yes, but we're not quite...

No, no, this way.

You're a bit of a mouthful, aren't you?

- The name, I mean, of your company. - Oh, yes. It's my boss's idea.

He wanted to call us Van Man Style

but I managed to talk him out of that.

- SHE GIGGLES - Funny.

Well...

..these are all the things I want to be moved, all of this,

and, well, everything, really because that's what happens

- when you move, isn't it? - That's the idea.

Some people do leave a little something for the people

that are moving in.

- You got a buyer yet? - Not yet.

Some people leave a bottle of champagne, you know.

Lawn mower.

I know a couple that found a cardboard box on the kitchen table.

Inside the box was a paint pot.

Inside the paint pot was a human turd.

So, you know, people are funny, aren't they?

What do we have here? This is breakables, is it?

Yes, that's right. All...

..broken.

OK, I'm going to have to make a note of this.

Of course.

SHE WEEPS QUIETLY

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.

No, it's all right, I'm just...

It's all been a bit trying.

It's one of the most stressful things, isn't it? Moving house.

People often say that but, according to the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale,

the top three are - death of a spouse, divorce and imprisonment.

- Moving home's only number 32. - Oh, well, that's something.

And erectile dysfunction isn't even on the list.

So I don't know what her problem is.

I'm just getting it out there, you know, talking about it.

It's no biggie.

Evidently not.

- So, lived here long, have you? - In this house? Yeah, yonks.

Yonks and yonks.

- How long is a yonk? Often wondered. - Yeah, that's a good question.

I don't know actually.

Oh, here's my husband, he might know. Darling, how long is a yonk?

- A what? - A yonk.

Sorry, this is Spike from Squeeze Me Tightly.

- Handle Me Gently. - All right.

He was wondering how long a yonk is?

Er, it's short for donkey's years, isn't it?

Yeah, that would make sense.

Are you all ready to move house, darling?

Well, the cakes are still in the oven

so if Spike could come back another time.

Yes, we're making cakes for whoever moves in. Aren't we?

We decided against pooing in a paint pot.

- What? - I'll show you out.

Mrs Falsham, I don't think you understand.

We work on allocations only.

If I don't fill your slot today,

it might be weeks before I can get up again.

- Of course. Spike has erectile dysfunction. - Really?

- I'm sorry, is there a problem here? - No!

We're just a normal family moving house.

- What's going on? - Oh, it's all right, Dad, go back to bed.

I can't sleep my stomach's playing up.

Why are you dressed like a tart?

And what's Richard Stilgoe doing here?

I'm not taking any of those lyrics, Stilgoe!

So you can shove your roller skates up your arse, do you hear?!

- He thinks he's Andrew Lloyd Webber. - MOBILE PHONE RINGS

- Wha...? What's that racket? - Sorry, it's my phone.

- Come on, come with me. - Don't touch my penis!

Did you see that, people?

He's trying to play me like a cello!

STOMACH GURGLES

Oh, my God!

- What's wrong? Are you OK? - I'll get a towel.

Argh!

SHE SCREAMS

- Argh! - Jesus Christ!

SQUELCHING

I can explain.

Ah, Julian, there you are.

- You took your time. - Sorry.

Couldn't find any cocoa, she's packed everything away.

I hope she hasn't touched my bloody piano.

I didn't see it.

- Why aren't you wearing any clothes? - I've just been doing some painting.

Here.

Oh, God! It's too hot!

My mouth is not asbestos, you know.

- Sorry. - Ooh, I had a good bit of news this morning.

Roger has agreed to do Aspects.

- Roger? - Roger Moore.

James Bond in one of my musicals.

How about that then? Hm?

HE CHUCKLES

I hope he can sing.

That's great news.

Well, tell your face.

What's the matter with you?

Sorry, it's been a long day.

Have your cocoa.

You're my son, aren't you?

You're not Julian Lloyd Webber at all.

That's right.

And I have a daughter, don't I?

Yes.

That's good.

Well, you two must look after each other.

- I won't be here forever, you know. - I know.

Don't worry, Dad. Have your cocoa.

It'll be cooler now.

DOORBELL

What now?

If that's Julie Covington, tell her it's too late.

I've already offered the part to Elaine Paige.

Sorry.

Not interrupting anything, am I?

No, no. I was just upstairs with Dad.

- Andrew Lloyd Webber? - Yes. - Bless him.

He's really far gone now, isn't he?

Yes, yes. He's got no memory.

- Other than the one from Cats! - Exactly.

Is Natasha in? I'm a good friend of hers, I live just down the lane.

No, she's not here at the moment.

- She's just picking up the removal man. - Oh, I see.

Does he not have his own transport?

The removal man?

Yes, yes. He's just got lost.

I was going to say. It would be quite a slow move!

Natasha's been talking a lot about you, the mystery man.

- All good I hope. - Yes. She seems very much in love.

I hope you'll take good care of her.

I will.

Anyway, I don't want to keep you. I only popped round to return this.

- You know what she's like about people borrowing things. - Yes.

She didn't speak to Mrs Granger from months over that quiche plate.

So I believe.

SHOUTING

I'd better...

Wait there.

- What's wrong? - It's that bloody cocoa. It doesn't agree with me.

Just try to keep your voice down.

I haven't felt this bad since the press night of Love Never Dies.

Shit.

Looks like the removal van.

Listen to me bitch, you do exactly as I say.

Hello? Anybody in?

Sorry I'm late.

Hi. Hugo Brevington JSQ.

I had a message from the lady of the house saying she was going to let you in.

- That's right, yes. - Well, here are the property deeds.

You can peruse these at your leisure as and when.

Headlines are, four-bed farmhouse.

Two outbuildings with planning pending.

Country kitchen with a five-door Aga. Period features.

- Don't know if you're arsed. - Not really. - No, me neither.

Obviously in need of a lick of paint.

You can see they've made a start already,

but, to be perfectly honest with you, it will be sold before that's dry.

Is your wife able to view today? I'd strongly recommend it.

She's actually looking at some other properties at the moment.

- Which ones? - Not Pennington Lane?

It's sinking.

It'll be a basement in two years, but you didn't hear it from me.

So have we got the deal? Are we rocking?

- Well, I haven't really looked around it yet. - Absolutely. Be my guest.

Any questions, don't hesitate. I will leave you alone.

Thanks.

Storage.

Lovely door action there.

No lock. Very free and easy.

Imagine coming down those stairs every morning.

Cup of coffee. Dog padding through with the paper.

Wife, smell of bacon.

Cooking it, she doesn't smell of it.

- I'm vegetarian. - Me too. Good call, we will live longer my friend.

Let them choke on their sausages, eh?

Well... Thanks very much.

One second. I've got the call coming through.

Hello.

Really? That is very interesting,

because I've got a gentleman here at the property at the moment.

Well, let me relay that to him.

What's happened is, someone's put an offer in.

Not asking price but close to, and the vendor is considering it.

Now, we have a window of five minutes if you want to secure this...

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

That's weird. I was just talking to someone. What's happened there then?

Hello?