Mom

: I think you'll find our...

Napa Chardonnay to have hints of vanilla and caramel

with a velvety smooth finish.

Are you all right?

Some days are better than others.

Thanks for asking.

It's very good.

Yeah, 2004 was a great year for this wine.

Not so much for me.

Enjoy.

So, did I talk you into that soufflé?

Uh, yeah, two.

Good call.

You won't want to share.

Oh, God.

¶ Happy birthday to you

¶ Happy birthday to you ¶

¶ Happy birthday, dear...

¶ Ethel

¶ Happy birthday to you.

¶ And many more.

Hm... More butter and salt.

They only need to live long enough to pay the check.

Beat those egg whites gently...

as if they were a small, annoying child.

Paul, you're on fire again.

Um, Christy, you got a second?

I can't talk now, Gabriel.

I'm working.

Yeah, I know, but, uh, here's the thing.

I-I'm getting a lot of complaints.

Really?

About what?

Well, apparently, one of my waitresses

is having a nervous breakdown.

Is it Jennifer?

No.

Is it Carol?

It's you!

Gabriel, what does this taste like to you?

Uh, mushrooms?

The correct answer was "ass."

Listen, uh, maybe you should take the rest of the night off.

I can't afford to do that.

I have children to feed.

Not a problem. Grab a couple steaks, head home and feed 'em.

You don't understand.

The guy at table four said something horrible to me

when I was telling him about the salmon.

What's wrong with the salmon?

Nothing, the salmon's great.

The guy insulted me.

Oh, that's fine.

What did he say?

He said I was...

a good waitress.

That's not bad.

Or true.

I didn't grow up to be a "good waitress."

That was never the plan.

The plan was to be a psychologist.

Okay.

You're a young woman.

You can still do that.

Yeah, maybe.

I'd probably have to graduate

high school first.

Now all I've got to look forward to

is serving $60 risotto

to a bunch of smug food Nazis.

I mean, who are we kidding?

It's a big, steaming

pile of gooey rice!

What did you say?

Get over yourself, Rudy.

I saw you at McDonald's going down on a Big Mac.

First of all, it was a Filet-O-Fish.

And for you?

Um, I'd like the, uh...

(studio audience cheering, applauding)

I'd like the, uh,

the pounded capon with, uh, lemongrass and thyme.

Excellent choice.

You know, that's a castrated chicken

they beat with a hammer.

MAN (on CD): Daily affirmations.

I open my heart and allow wonderful things

to flow into my life.

I open my heart and allow wonderful things

to flow into my life.

MAN (on CD): Forgiving those who have wronged me

is a gift I give myself.

My daughter's an easy lay

and it's not my fault.

Hi.

I'm sorry. Did I wake you?

That's okay.

How was work?

Oh, fun.

I feel guilty taking the money.

What'd you do tonight?

Not much.

Did my homework, watched TV.

Mmm.

Is there a TV on your ceiling?

What?

Sit down.

We need to talk.

What's up?

Violet, I can't tell you...

not to have sex at your age,

because I had sex at your age.

Mom, I'm not having sex.

Don't lie to the woman who washes your sheets.

And in case you've forgotten,

I got pregnant with you when I was a teenager.

And please don't take this the wrong way:

It ruined my life.

I love you, too, Mom...?

And I can't tell you not to drink and smoke pot,

because my senior yearbook quote was:

"Let's drink and smoke pot."

Can this please be over?

You don't know how lucky you are.

My mother never bothered to talk to me about this stuff.

Yeah, this is over. Honey, I just don't want you

to wake up one day and feel bad

'cause you're not a psychologist!

Okay, good talk!

Let's get you back in your own bed.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, sweetie.

I waited up for you.

Thank you.

Violet's boyfriend was over.

I know.

They were kissing.

I'm sure they were.

They took a shower together.

Terrific.

Are you coming to my talent show tomorrow?

Tomorrow?

What time?

11:00.

Oh, honey, I have to work the lunch shift.

It's okay.

I'm not good anyway.

Listen, maybe I can get someone to cover my shift.

Don't worry about it.

No, I-I want you to be able to look out into the audience

and see me, because that way you'll know how much I...

Shh! Mommy, I'm sleeping.

Good talk.

Hi.

You feeling better?

Oh, yeah.

My home is a real oasis.

So, am I in trouble with Chef Rudy?

He'll be fine.

He bought an eight ball and took home the pastry chef.

Sleeping with your boss.

Who does that?

Mom...?

Yeah, honey?

I had a bad dream.

Oh, no, well, um...

why don't you go back to bed

and I'll come lay down with you in a second?

I'm so sorry.

I owe you one.

Don't lay there too long.

The sprinklers come on in ten minutes.

What the hell?

Can I help you?

What time is the talent show?

What talent show?

There's no talent show today?

I don't think so.

Are you freaking kidding me?!

I lost a day's pay for no reason?

Maybe we were destined to meet.

It would definitely be the high point of my day.

Psst! Roscoe!

Hi, Mom.

What are you doing here?

The talent show?

That's not today.

But you said it was!

Guess I was wrong.

I guess you were.

Don't you kids tease him about this.

: Son of a bitch!

Oh, God, I need a drink.

Hi, I'm Christy and I'm an alcoholic.