Superstore

Oh hey Adam.

- How ya doing? Jonah. - Hey!

It's cool. Bring it on in!

Okay, watch the tin.

Oh, I didn't mean to...

I stumbled on the ladder and I fell into your hair.

- I wasn't trying to kiss you. - Oh, yeah.

- I didn't think it was a kiss. - Cool.

Yeah. I'm here to pick up Amy.

All right. Husband picking up the wife.

Classic.

Uh, how's your, uh, barbecue business going?

Oh, it didn't work out.

- Oh. I'm sorry, buddy. - Yeah.

Hey, you know, uh, we... we might still be looking

for some seasonal help if you're...

you're looking for a gig, you know?

Wow. Yeah. That's not a bad idea.

What's not a bad idea?

Uh, working here.

Jonah says you're hiring.

Oh, um...

- That is not a bad idea. - Mm-hmm.

But I think we're all full up.

Yeah. Yep.

- Yes, we are all full. - Yeah...

Uh, but you just said... Full of what?

- Seasonal help. - But we're not hiring.

- Hey, Glenn? - Hmm?

- We hiring seasonals? - No, we're all full.

God, I'm so pissed, Glenn.

I mean, I've been here so long

and you can't even make an exception for me?

I can't. I'm... I'm sorry.

Come on, Glenn!

- No exceptions. - Oh, it's okay.

It's just the way they do things here.

No, no, you're right. I should make an exception.

Yeah, but you're all full up and that...

- Welcome aboard. - Thank you.

Glad to have you.

Amy, you owe me one.

Awesome! This'll be fun!

- Ultra cool! - I'm so excited about this.

It has always been the manager's spot.

I want you to stop parking in it.

There is no such thing as the manager's spot...

There is.

The manager's spot is the one that says "The Manager."

Are you done?

Excuse me. All right, thank you.

I'm just trying to get away from that guy's boner.

Okay, everyone. Good morning!

Let's settle down. Um, 'tis the season.

And I'd like to give a permanent welcome

to all our new temporary workers in the light blue vests.

Now, I haven't put all the faces to the names yet,

but I do know that you are Reggie

and... and we now have a Black Todd.

Nope, you'll just be Todd.

Uh, you'll be White Todd? Thank you.

And, uh, oh, and this sweetheart here is Opal,

who, at 90 years old, I think is

the oldest employee we've ever had.

Oh, and lastly, let's give a big Cloud 9 welcome

to Amy's better half, Adam Dubanowski.

Yeah?

No, babe, nobody else gave a speech.

No, it's cool, babe. It's cool.

Um, I just wanted to tell you all not to treat me

any differently just 'cause I'm sleeping with the boss.

He means Amy, not me. I'm not gay.

Anyway, if you have any questions about Amy,

come see me.

I've got all the dirt.

Seriously?

Oh, right. Sorry, Bean.

All right, uh, moving on. Tornado safety...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, not moving on.

I want to know why you just called her Bean.

No, it's nothing.

Is it because you like to eat beans?

Is it because you fart a lot?

Like this gentleman sitting next to me?

It's 'cause I'm small, okay?

When we first got together, it was so cute,

the way she'd sleep.

Just like my little naked bean.

Stop. Please, can you stop?

They like it.

Okay, well, any more questions?

Oh, don't worry. I'll clean that up for you.

Ugh, what is the point of these people?

They're so bad, they make Jonah look competent.

I know.

This is the grimmest year ever.

I got a buck that says Pornstache

is gone before lunch.

No way, my money's on Ladybutt.

You want in on this action?

Uh, nope, I will not be betting

on people losing their jobs.

Quitting their jobs. And they're not people.

- They're temps. - Come on.

I mean, we always lose a few on the first day.

It's good, clean fun, like the Myrtle death pool.

That thing's been going on for 20 years.

Yeah, I...

I shouldn't gamble.

I used to get a little carried away.

Oh, I'm Jonah.

I'm too proper to gamble.

- Where's me monocle? - Mm-kay.

Oh, Hi, I'm Jonah.

I eat macadamia nuts out of jar

inside of other jar.

Right?

No, what? No, not "right." What was that?

Okay, all right, I'll take the... the one

with the dermatological...

Rashface?

Rashface. I'll take one buck on Rashface.

Da! One ruble from fur hat

for glory of Soviet Union!

What are you doing? He's not Russian.

Yeah, well, he's not British either.

Would you mind helping out?

Just finishing this chapter.

Sorry, she just... she loves that book, so...

- Hey. - Hi.

Can you maybe not tell any more personal things

about me to my coworkers?

It just kind of makes it hard for me to be the boss.

Yeah, sure. No problem.

- Okay, thank you. Thanks. - Okay. You're welcome.

I really appreciate it.

Hey, Adam, why don't you maybe move these boxes closer...

- Please don't criticize me. - What? I'm not criticizing you.

- It sounds like criti... - What are you talking about?

You can't just say that... Telling me what to do.

Every time I open my mouth...

You're taking advantage of me as an underling.

This is the first year that we're having

an in-store Santa, so I am taking

the selection process very seriously.

Well, I've had a lot of experience.

- Good. - I've Claused a number

- of department stores. - Okay.

And I-I was trained by Wayne Gunderson.

- Way... - Uh, he's a Santa Claus

at the Chicago Macy's.

Oh, wow!

He's a legend.

You sound really qualified.

Well...

Is that it? Is that the laugh?

That's it, yeah.

Oh, my God. Oh, wow.

Well, so I have the job?

Well, not yet, my fat red friend.

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, Mr. Jonah.

- Hey. - Looks like you won.

- What? - Your buddy Rashface?

He found a used condom in the dressing room

and just walked out the store.

- Congratulations. - Wow, that's great. That's...

I mean, that's really... that's too bad

about his job, but, uh, I had a feeling about that guy.

You know, just... just, like, a really...

a really good feeling.

Okay, well, enjoy that two bucks.

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna.

Hey, uh, you know what?

We should... we should do another round.

- What do you say? - Okay, sure.

Yeah, yeah, just, like, uh...

just get some more people involved,

you know, raise the stakes.

Oh! Oh, hey! Uh, we should do a pool.

I won.

Congratulations.

Out of over a dozen applicants,

you're the super six who made it past

the grueling yet simple Megan's Law search.

So let's get...

Oops, sorry. Excuse me. One sec.

Richard, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Look, why don't you just try

to move the boxes closer to the shelf

and see if that doesn't make it easier?

You mean do it your way.

No, I mean do it the way literally anybody

older than 12 would do this.

Is this about the dishes?

This has nothing to do with the dishes.

- I was letting them soak, I... - You can't soak cast iron!

Well, stop buying pans that I can't get wet!

Uh, it's a... it's a professional dispute.

Bean to customer service.

Bean, you are wanted in customer service...