Kite Man: Hell Yeah!

How's it going down there, Chuck?

Real good, babe.

Is the Anti-Life Equation affecting you the same way it did the chicken?

No, babe, but I am being affected a teensy-weensy bit...

From all the trees you're slamming me into.

Oh. Sorry.

Sometimes I forget you're down there.

As long as you don't say that in bed, babe.

I think you've run long enough.

How did you find us?

I got this, babe.

Is it because I search for highly rated Anti-Life Equation

disposal options near me?

Yes. And thank you.

- Knew it! - Babe!

Sorry, babe. I thought it was worth a shot.

Well, we're not giving you the Anti-Life Equation.

Chuck and I will die to protect it.

- Oh, dang it! - Chuck!

I'm sorry, babe. I am so sorry.

If you want it back, I have a price.

A talk with me, face to face.

- My robots will escort you. - Oh, right, so you can kill us. No way.

I thought you might say that.

- Which is why I brought an olive branch. - Pass.

All the olive branches, olive oils, and pimento olives in the world

won't get us there because, newsflash, I don't like olives!

Do you like this?

- My kite? - I saved it from the fire,

which is what I want to do for you.

You can't spend your life on the run, Kite Man.

It's time you faced this.

Trust me.

We've run that simulation millions of times.

And it always comes out the same.

All life in the universe is extinguished.

- The end of everything. - Including my customers.

Which is why I don't want this to happen.

It is inspiring how much you care for your customers.

- Well, they're always right. - Mmm, unless they're dead.

Precisely! Which is what I'm trying to avoid.

No matter the variable,

the simulation always ends that way.

With one exception.

You, Kite Man.

There's a scenario where you use the Anti-Life Equation

and this doesn't happen.

Uh, cool.

- Why not? - Yeah.

Why not?

I wish we knew.

But the fate of the world is in your capab...

Well, your hands.

But it won't be easy.

Lex wants the equation to kill Superman,

and has no clue he'll kill us all.

We've dealt with Lex before.

But you've never dealt with Darkseid.

He's hunting you, too,

and if he gets the equation, we're all dead.

So whatever you do, do it quickly.

Okay...

I can't believe I'm going to fucking say this,

but godspeed, Kite Man!

Drinking light beer these days, huh Gus?

Yeah. I just thought I'd switch it up, Nooman.

- Nooman? - Goddam it!

I've been tugging coffee and prune juice,

but I'm stuffed up like a hydroelectric dam.

Sometimes the best laxative

is a little thing called patience.

Shove it, dickbag!

I have no time for your patience.

I have to poop in the Portal Potty right now

so I can go back to the '80s and find Goldilocks!

She's probably 'lone and scared

and this close to trying to get famous

by singing in a mall.

Yeah, kids are easy to lose.

I have one or two kiddos wander off every field trip,

and perish.

That is weird and not helpful.

Helen says it's up to you to save us.

So, what's your plan?

Ooh, uh, I was kind of hoping

something would hit me on the way over.

Uh... Oh! I know.

Yes! That's my Chuck!

I'll take a shower.

That's where I get my best ideas.

What kind of idea we lookin' for?

Oh, you know, just one that allows us to defeat two apex villains

while also destroying a heretofore undestroyable cosmic weapon.

Anything coming to mind?

Just if we're making war plans,

we should adjourn to the war room.

We have a basement?

This is why you use a real estate agent.

And side to side! And side to side!

And glute and chute! And glute and chute!

Are you Princess Rebecca Chen?

You look beautiful!

I better. If I'm gonna be the next Sheena Easton,

I gotta up my leg game.

What do you want, kid? You shit here from the future?

I went number two and it sent me back in time.

And Baney told me a story 'bout you.

Bane? What did he have to say?

It's a story about your daughter on the run with the Anti-Life 'quation.

My daughter has something called the Anti-Life Quation?

Mmm. Tell me more.

Sire, this chip was torn from Chessure.

Now we have no way of tracking Malice and the Anti-Life Equation.

How is that possible?

Right. Brandon.

He guaranteed it would never dislodge.

He probably didn't anticipate the giant chicken attack, sire.

I'm sorry. But do you know what guarantee means?

A promise that certain conditions will be fulfilled.

Yes. Well, Brandon broke his fucking promise.

And now we don't know where the Anti-Life Equation is.

But I do know exactly where to go.

Okay, and do you have a Petigans Plus account?

Brandon! You guaranteed me this tracking chip

could never be dislodged from my demon cat.

Oh, I remember you. Yeah.

You have your Petigans Plus card? I could give you a refund.

A refund doesn't give me my fucking Anti-Life Equation, does it, Brandon?

You broke a guarantee.

And the punishment for that is torture for 1,000 years.

- Um, um, sire? - Um, um, what, DeSaad?

We probably don't have 1,000 years to find the Anti-Life Equation.

Well, I guess every party needs a pooper. That's why we invited DeSaad.

But perhaps you're right.

Instead of being tortured for 1,000 years,

you will serve me on Apokolips for eternity.

Um... 'Kay, I could probably start Thursday.

I gotta tell Gary, my boss here--

You'll start right now.

Yeah, so Helen says I need to use it somehow.

That doesn't make sense. How the hell do you use it?

Or destroy it when even a nuclear blast couldn't?

We don't have any idea. Okay?

As far as I know, there's no way to destroy it.

Hey, hey, you guys ever seen The Exorcist?

That movie about the little girl possessed by the demon

and nobody can figure out how to get rid of it?

Yeah, right. And then the old priest says,

"Hey, demon, when you're done playing with the kids,

try and fuck with me."

Oh, yeah, and then the demons like, "It's on!"

Right. And it jumps into him and the priest is all like,

"Joke's on you demon.

I'm jumping out this window." And he does.

And he slams into the stairs, kills himself and the demon dies inside him.

Chuck, are you suggesting that you invite the Anti-Life Equation inside you

and then kill yourself to destroy it?

What? Holy shit.

No, I was just like, "The Exorcist, that's a pretty good movie."

It was just suggested to me on my Villigans Crime "Watch Next" list.

Kill myself? How did you get that from that?

I'm glad you think so, because that's just crazy.

So crazy, it just might work.

Whoever reads the equation, becomes the equation.

And like The Exorcist tells us,

if they die, it dies.

Newheart is right!

Kite Man should use the Anti-Life Equation and kill himself.

Who's with me?

- I am. - Of course.

- Uh what? - - Thanks for dying, Kite Man.

- That's a classy way to die. - Excuse me?

Looks like the voters have spoken.

Okay, so we're really doing this then.

Guess I'll, uh, have to figure out the best thing

to, uh, throw myself to the death off of--

Wait! What if once it's in him,

the Anti-Life Equation won't let him kill himself?

Great point, Malice! That... That is the plan's Achilles heel.

- Well, back to the drawing board-- - Or I'll kill you.

That way you can't back out.

- Boom, bam, bing, dead! - Ooh, fuck that! You're a terrible shot.

I'll throw the Evil Fairy Godmother at him.

Kite Man, I'd be happy to 'splode you if you'd like me to.

That is, uh, so helpful of you guys.

So, uh, are we thinking quick and painless or--

- Well, uh, quick-- - Okay, nobody's killing Chuck.

- Why not? - Come on!

- Who calls the shots around here? - - I don't mind really.

Chuck, don't let them talk you into it.

- I won't lose you like this. - Yeah.

You've always said my power is my heart.

My kindness. Which used to make me so mad.

But I didn't tell you 'cause I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

But maybe you're right.

Maybe kindness is a key that opens all doors,

but only locks one, the door to the end of the universe.

Which is a dooz. So, Babe,

I have to ask. Lisa Golden Glider Snart,

will you take silly old me to have and to hold,