Columbo

- Yo, dude. - Hey, dude. Hi.

Hey, man.

Hey, man.

Man.

Cooper, my hero! Phillips in straight sets?

With the sun in my eyes and a ding in my racket.

My man!

Mighty Coop! Major party coming up. Black tie and shorts.

Give a guy time to wax his legs, will you?

Nice car, Coop.

- Did you get it? - Boy, you're ugly on television.

Never mind that. Come on, did you get it?

All right!

Where would I be without you?

You kidding? You'd still have to study.

I'll break it. I'm gonna break it right now. Right now! Get off!

Cooper!

Cooper.

Cooper!

Something wrong, Dad?

Trish Mir's father just called me. He's threatening to sue!

You know, Dad, getting that abortion was Trish's idea, not mine.

While you were doing what, Cooper? Encouraging her to have your baby?

Maybe not. But we'd have worked it out, Dad. Others have. You know, we could've been the first.

The first?! This is the third girl in the past 18 months.

For God's sake, man, you're almost 22 years old! When are you gonna start behaving responsibly?

How long do you expect me to keep bailing you out?!

- Dad, it takes two to... - Get it together, Cooper!

I'm giving you fair warning, pal.

One more mess, one more screw-up and you're on your own.

You understand me? I'm not threatening you, I'm just telling you.

One more screw-up and you're out.

OK, that's... that's it for tonight.

Who's gonna be the guest lecturer this semester, Professor?

A homicide detective. A... what is his name, a...

Lieutenant Columbo.

All right! That sounds terrific. An actual homicide detective.

- Good night, Professor. - Justin, Cooper.

I'd like to see you both in my office, now.

Come in.

Close the door.

- You blew it, boys. - Excuse me?

Don't toy with me, Justin. Not you, of all people.

I know about the test.

That you took the test. Stole the test.

- What?! - Not a word! You hear me.

Not one more word!

The two of you are an absolute disgrace.

All the privilege, all the potential, all the smarts, and what do you do with it?

You waste it, squander it, drag it under your feet.

You know, you guys don't deserve what you have. You probably never did.

And you don't have any respect for anyone!

Let me tell you something else.

I don't trust myself to make a proper decision right now...

as to what action I'm gonna take, but I'll tell you this much.

When I'm ready to make a decision...

it'll either be to flunk the two of you...

or go to the dean and ask him to throw you out of this university!

You got it?

Professor?

Professor, maybe we should go for a beer, you know, talk things over.

Save it.

Talk to him, Jus.

Professor... Professor...

Brings it out, pulls up, makes the shot... it's good! And Freemont pulls back...

Sir? Sir?

Professor... Professor Rusk, I...

Look, it was just kind of a crazy prank. It was a stupid...

We're not in church, Justin. And I don't take confession anyway.

Professor, can't we just talk about this?

Who the hell does this jerk think he is?!

Hi, guys. How you doin'?

Kind of in a hurry tonight, Joe, hot date. Could you raise the gate?

Yeah, where the hell are my Laker tickets? I thought we had a deal.

Next week, guys. Word of honor, man. I'm sorry as hell.

Hey, Joe, trust us.

You trying to run him off the road?

Yeah, right. We're the ones getting killed, Justin.

You know, between him and my old man, I'm smelling dead meat right in this truck!

Where the hell is he going anyway? He lives the other way, doesn't he?

Yeah. You don't think he's going to meet her?

No, I thought they broke that up a few months ago.

Did they?

It's Thursday night...

the team's out of town, Coach Clark's with the team.

Let's go see.

Well, it can't just be that he's hungry.

Isn't that her car?

Let's take a look.

Thanks, Jim.

Recognize her?

Yeah.

Damn you!

If looks could kill.

Jus?

- Yeah? - What do you think he's gonna do?

About us, or about Coach Clark's wife?

Come on.

I don't know, Coop.

I don't know.

I think he's pretty unpredictable right now.

I think there's things going on in his life...

that most people aren't aware of.

But we are?

- I am. - Like what?

Things.

Things I... heard, or overheard.

Overheard how? From who?

Well, I listen in on my father's phone. How do you think?

You listen in on his calls?

Yeah. I read his mail, too. How else am I supposed to learn anything?

Right. So what did you learn about Professor Rusk?

That he's got enemies.

I don't mean just you and me.

There's people that wouldn't cry at an early funeral, Coop.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about his new book...

where he names names, where he gets right up into people's faces.

Big people. Dangerous people.

He's like an equal-opportunity annihilator.

Defense contractors, savings and loan execs, senators, congressmen...

And you figure that some of these people could be out to get him?

There have been threats made on this man's life.

And they told it to my father.

Now, these people are playing for real.

Interesting.

Interesting.

And that lady last night, June Clark...

you know, she looked like she could kill.

That's what I mean.

Jus, if Rusk talks to the dean it's all over for me.

I'm aware, Coop.

I'm aware. I mean, you think I got anything less to lose?

If I don't get into Harvard Law School, my father is gonna skin me alive.

Now I would say, at the rate we're going...

our futures are gonna last about a week.

We really don't have a lot of options here, do we?

I don't think we got any at all.

It's either him or it's us.

Us?

Us.

I'll be right down.

Try the key.

Joe sure lives in style.

Jus?

I think I got it.

Is that the Woodcomb Building?

Yeah.

Sorry, guy, faculty parking only.

Does Professor Rusk teach his criminology class here?

Right building, wrong lot.

Well, you see, I'm the guest speaker in Professor Rusk's criminology class.

I'm from the L.A.P.D. Lieutenant Columbo.

Sorry, Lieutenant. They don't tell me anything.

Park anywhere you want. Stairs are on the right.

Come in.

What is it, Justin?

I spoke to my father about what happened. What we did.

I'm listening.

Well, he was not happy.

And he said a lot of things. We both did.

There were certain threats and certain promises.

- Anyway, he'd like to speak with you. - Have him call.

No, sir, he would like to meet you in person. Tonight.

Tonight?

He's got to go to Washington in a few hours.

But he's gonna be having dinner over at the Cafe Barotto at eight o'clock...

just across the campus.

He's gonna be by himself, and he'd like to meet with you.

We've got a guest tonight, you know that.

Now, I can't walk out in the middle of class.

But you could be back before the class was over, Professor.

Look, I hope you don't think my father is trying to throw...

his weight around here.

But in consideration for all the things...

that he's done for this university...

he's hoping that you'll agree to meet with him.

I'll, uh... I'll think about it, Justin.

That's all I can ask. Thank you.

- Professor? - Hm?

I am sorry.

Uh, Lieutenant, in, uh, in trying to solve a murder case...

do the police ever make up evidence that in fact they... they don't really have?

Well, that's been known to happen.

Well, have you ever done it?

Well, recently I was in an attorney's office...

and he wasn't there.

And it turns out that the secretary was in the ladies' room.

So I took advantage of this moment of privacy to go...

into his inner office and go through his wastepaper basket.

I was looking for a piece of gum. And I found it.

I wonder who his tailor is.

And I wanted to match the bite marks in that piece of gum...

with the bite marks on a piece of cheese...

that I found at the scene of the crime.

Yeah, but... excuse me though, Lieutenant, that's different.

See, in that case, you didn't make up anything, any evidence. That isn't really what I was asking.

I know what you asked and I'm trying to avoid the question.

Let me put it this way.

I follow my nose...